Tangents & The Times

At this juncture in time, Marissa A. Ross has been inexplicably lost somewhere between Shanghai and Los Angeles. Her last contact with the outside world was approximately seven hours ago- a tweet that read the following:

MarissaARoss has an aversion to airports, a dislike of customs & a bad attitude about possible seizure of her bamboo liqueur, poppies & mail order brides.

Such words make it very likely her attempt to smuggle back desirable & lucrative Oriental goods to interested parties were thwarted. It is also entirely likely that such endeavors will be keeping her over seas longer than originally intended. During our last communication, Miss A. Ross had expressed knowledge of the impending danger that was involved in her certainly illegal ventures but found them to be “arrogantly arousing”. I finally tracked down some sort of Shanghai government. Someone reported spotting her in the Shanghai bazaar, feverishly running through the crowds with a number of assumed stolen Tumi rolling suitcases, which could comfortably fit the collection of tiny Chinese women to whom she supposedly promised she would “give to good homes”. Her fellow travelers reveal a much more business-minded & bloodthirsty Marissa than most of us have grown to love, bragging that she didn’t need to take home one dollar silk purses, that she would, in fact, be taking the vendors themselves as “souvenirs” for the likely candidates- Robert W. Taylor, Andrew P. Glover and a rumored Weiss. Whether these men were going to be lucky recipients or were paying customers is uncertain but either way they will be sorely disappointed. The Shanghai government also reported recovering a whopping four point six pounds of Papaver somniferum, or opium poppies, when Miss A. Ross’ bags were over the acceptable weight for carry-on items. She briefly explained they were actually Papaver orientales which a Beijing Pharmacy had prescribed for “yin kidney disease”- the Chinese diagnosis for menopause. Although it was curious that she would be given herbal medicine for hot flashes at the tender age of twenty-two, the officials believed her bs (mostly because they said she looked like an anime character with her wide eyes and blunt bangs). The real problem was her constant slurring, the stench of bamboo liqueur (as well as another four open bottles of it) and that she was wearing a child’s medium size shirt with pandas doing Taijiquan with no shoes walking outside the terminal.

She willfully handed over the poppies then escaped on the back of one of her soon-to-be exported brides when the Tumi suitcases were opened. She was then seen riding into the Shanghai mists towards the Levitation trains, which travel at approximately two hundred & seventy miles per hour. It is uncertain of Miss A. Ross’ whereabouts but it is rumored by local scholars and prostitutes alike that she is heading back towards Hangzhou- she was a fan of West Lake & even contacted Westside Rentals on the third in hopes she could transfer her Los Angeles account abroad. Shanghai authorities were kind enough to send me the last photos taken of Miss A. Ross outside the terminal. A Japanese tourist recognized her as Dr. Parsons, the American crime scene investigator captured by the Yakuza on Channel101.com’s Your Magic Touched Me: Nights.

Any information on our absurdly absent author will be warmly welcomed & appreciated.

Please be advised, Miss A. Ross is ostensibly wild from various & unfamiliar liquors as well as possibly doped out of her mind on the young opium she managed to procure as well as hold onto throughout the ordeal. She is widely known for her sunny disposition and incredibly kind manners but beware: from personal experience she can be as brutish as a boar and as cunning as a small cat while looking like a mouse.

Word on the street is that she has a number of events to attend in Los Angeles in the coming weeks, including a screening of the new horror film Midnight Movie, starring best friend / T&tT correspondent Rebekah Brandes, as well as do a review of American Artist finalist Spencer Sharp‘s exhibition. So please keep your fingers crossed, your eyes peeled and your wits about you. She is sure to be as fiesty as ever- China is fifteen hours ahead so her impatientience will be at an all time high, she will be talking extremely fast and probably in an inaudible mumble of Mandarian slang and overused idioms.

On behalf of the preoccupied I extend gratitude.

Regards,

- Adin Hunter
Representative of Miss Marissa A. Ross, Confidante, Stunt-Double & Editor.