On Saturday I performed in the Hello Giggles show at UCB.
I love doing the Hello Giggles shows because
I get to perform with some of my favorite friends/people,
and because I loooooove being on stage.
Except for everything that comes with me being on a stage
when I’m not actually on the stage.
I’ve been getting up in front of people & making an ass out of myself since I was a wee single digit and I’ve always been a total basket case about it. For most of my life, I would go through a single process: casually rehearse, procrastinate, freak the fuck out, rehearse like crazy, hate myself, trip out about having shit memorized, memorize everything, feel like Kanye, realize I’m not Kanye, freak out, pick out a great outfit, find a middle ground because at least now if I fuck up I look good, get on stage & have an awesome time and exit stage right
& vomit in the trash cans in the wings.
After nearly twenty years of this,
I am comfortable enough to not vomit
but now I just make up insane stuff to worry about,
like obsessing over what underwear I’m going to wear.
This seems deranged. And it is. I won’t dispute that. But I genuinely spend a lot of time worrying about what underwear I’ll wear because for about ten years,
I was always cast as a manish character.
I KNOW, RIGHT?! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE WITH MY TINY FIVE INCH FACE & BARELY-THERE JAW LINE?! Fucking beats me. All I know is that on three separate occasions I have been cast as Viola in Twelfth Night. For those of you who are not familiar with Shakespeare, just know that Viola is a bitch who gets shipwrecked & upon washing ashore, dresses up like a man to get a job & this woman falls in love with her & she’s in love with the bro that’s in love with the woman who’s in love with her… anyway, yeah the point is that Viola dresses like a dude for 90% of the show.
I have like ten other examples from while I was in acting school but I don’t remember the names of the plays but just please know I cried to my teacher once about how I was never cast as anyone except a tomboy or a curmudgeon.
He replied, emotionless & hard from years of bit parts on CBS crime shows, “Master your niche, then branch out.”
Fuck that. My niche is not “bad attitude in wide legged pants”.
In some weird not-so-subconscious effort to combat my insecurities about always being cast as a lesbian, I make an effort to wear dresses while performing.
WHICH GETS US TO THIS WHOLE BUSINESS WITH THE UNDERWEAR!!!
Because my biggest fear is eating shit on stage & my theory is that yes, I could eat shit, face plant & have my dress come up around my waist, showing off my half-in-shape ass & my underwear. That’s so possible! BUT! I know in my performer’s heart of hearts, I would get up & laugh it off & all would be okay but I want to make sure that if that ever happened, at least someone would be like, “Wow, I can’t believe Marissa Ross ate shit like that but did you see her underwear? They were so cute & totally matched her dress! For being a clutz, she is soooooo put together!”
So, I spend like a week figuring this shit out.
Three days to find the actual outfit,
four days figuring out what underwear is the best.
Cause I mean, you could go like super-matchy OR you could go quirky OR you could just go neon! And do you do thong or boy short? What about the ones with the arbitrary bows your boyfriend makes fun of but you swear someone out there must think are sexy? Does your dress show lines? Is your ass tan? Is that one dimple you’ve been trying to get rid of for eight months still there? Could your creepy ex-boyfriend possibly be in the audience? Could a future creepy stalker be in the audience? What about a creepy television executive!?!
THERE ARE JUST SO MANY VARIABLES!!!
And this is how I think.
Like a completely psychotic person.
Why are you even reading this?!
Anyway, my underwear was exactly the color of my dress on Saturday.
With some black lace trims/accents & some super cute bows
that my boyfriend thinks are fucking stupid I’m sure.
But I think, they’re maybe in my top three cutest underwear.
I recently got them at Victoria’s Secret, so you know I’m not playin’.
I put them on & was like,
“DAMN! IF I FALL TONIGHT EVERYONE’S GOING TO KNOW HOW FLY I AM!”
Here is me backstage, to give you a visual on my color scheme.
But here’s the thing!
I didn’t fall on my face!
So now I almost feel like I wasted my outfit/underwear combo but you can just go ahead & ignore how sorta unstable & relatively masochistic I am.
[Currently Listening 2 Dunes' "Handle"]
