There is only one thing that comes close to how much I love Summer
& that is HOW MUCH I FREAKING LOVE THE HOLIDAY SEASON!
I love Thanksgiving, I love all of December, I love decorating shit, I love making ornaments, I fucking love love love Christmas music, I love themed cocktails, I love wearing big coats over tiny dresses, I love being wished a thousand happy Hanukkahs, I LOVE Christmas & I sort of love New Year’s.
But I hate shopping during the holidays.
That’s the fucking worst idea ever.
Especially when you don’t know the person well.
You’re like clawing your way through the mall,
navigating through a Disneyland crowd on PCP.
How are you supposed to see that perfect gift
while you’re busy getting struck head-on by 4-wheel drive strollers?!
So, in the spirit of the season, I decided to make a Holiday Gift Guide so that moms, dads, friends & unacquainted cousins could get an idea as to what to get that very special, weirdly sophisticated dumb asshole that drinks too much in their family for Christmas/Jewish Week this year.
So, press play on this delightful Dent May holiday jam & get to reading! You only have like, 26 days left to figure out how to get all this shit under my tree.
Bandit Cabernet $8
Wine in general is a good idea but a personal affordable favorite is Bandit boxed wine. It’s delicious & more eco-friendly so you can drink it & pretend you’re not such an asshole. Also: there is 33% more wine because it’s in a box. Also: great for Ross testing!
Wine Away $18.50 (pack of two)
THIS PRODUCT HAS BASICALLY SAVED MY LIFE. BY LIFE I MEAN MY CLOTHES, MY FURNITURE, MY DIGNITY & PARTICULARLY MY BEDDING. THANK YOU WINE AWAY!
Jeffrey Campbell Lita’s $159.95
Give your spritely little friend the extra five inches she’s always dreamed of with these incredibly cute, chic & incredulously comfy Jeffrey Campbell’s. If we’re going to be real here, these shoes have changed my life & I have been stomping around in them for weeks acting like I’m the queen of something.
I was recently introduced to this stuff when my hairdresser used it for my last photoshoot. Contrary to popular belief, I actually have very thin hair, just a lot of it. This volumizing powder not only gave me the perfect amount of poof, but also gave my hair that awesome just-outta-the-ocean feeling & I didn’t have to wash it for days (which means a lot to hustlers with little time on their hands).
I don’t know what you people want from me. I will continue to rave about this book for forever. Buy it for someone this holiday season. You have to. Not gifting this to a lovely lady is a fucking crime against humanity.
Okay. OK. These are actually just on my Christmas list since @etoilee8 tweeted them at me this morning & I was just like, “DAMN. SOMEONE BETTER GET ME ONE.” Like, for real. A beach scene. That I can put stuff in. What more could I possibly want in the universe besides a ranchion?! (Note: A ranchion is a ranch-mansion, which is like a mansion but a little more cozy & welcoming.)
CSA $25 – $600
Since you pay weekly, this could be either pretty cheap or really expensive but anyone who reads me on the reg’ knows I’m obsessed with Community Supported Agriculture. I rep them so hard on the internet & in real life. Basically, for $25 a week you get two bangin’ big ass bags of local, organic produce. That is so much cheaper than buying it at the grocery store! And $3 of every purchase goes to your local school district. Plus you just pick it up. I’ve heard that this is best in California where we grow tons of stuff year round, but I know my friends in New Mexico love it too! Great for parents. They will think you’re looking out for your own health & not drinking yourself to sleep on a regular basis.
Did you read the thing? Hello, duh, yeah, this is for Marissa A. Ross’. It’s very reminiscent of my favorite HST quote plus I live in Wildfox because I’m a spoiled bitch & it’s the best. Give your favorite spoiled bitch this shirt so we can be spoiled bitches together (until I steal this from her & we’re mortal enemies).
Herbal Ecstasy $20
I just got this in Santa Cruz at the Happy High Herbal Store. They specialize in “legal party alternatives”. As someone who has enjoyed (not saying I condone!) recreational drug use in their day but doesn’t have the time to deal with a three day depletion of serotonin, I was intrigued. Does it work? No idea. I haven’t tried it yet but who cares? Even if you don’t orgasm off sucking on Skittles & rubbing Vick’s Vapo-Rub all over your face, at least you will be putting a good laugh in someone’s stocking.
I just think these are really versatile in the fact that they could go from seduction-to-snuggle. First, you have them on with some pumps & a cute dress. After everyone loses interest in clothing & disregards their shoes & ruffle some sheets, you can throw on a comfy sweater & your cute undies & hit the couch in these. They’re like pants but sexier.
Who knows? Maybe this is the comfy sweater I was talking about! I just think every girl needs a good black sweater they could wear everyday if they wanted to. I like to buy mine a size or two too large & feel like I’m swimming in warmth.
Wool Blanket around $30
I’m sure I’m being totally not politically correct in calling these wool blankets “Mexican Blankets” but I feel like you totally know what I’m talking about now. I got this amazing one in my favorite color at my local hipster “general” store. I keep it on my couch where I snuggle it for hours while watching Storage Wars.
Demeter Suntan Lotion Perfume $6 – $39.50
It’s like being at the beach all year round! Okay, so this stuff doesn’t smell like coconut but it does smell like your mom’s Hawaiian Tropic from the late eighties which I LOVE. All you’ll need is one of those one pieces that barely covers your crotch & completely misses your hips & you’ll be set.
Because all us egomaniacal fiends really want to be rappers on the inside (sometimes).
Crosley Record Player $100+
I got one of these a couple years ago & I love it. They’re super stylish plus they come with speakers built in! Sure they kind of suck in terms of speakers but awesome when you don’t want to throw down for a whole sound system/want a gift for a girl who probably doesn’t give a shit about sound systems anyway.
The Doors, Self-Titled on vinyl $8+
I’m sure there are people out there frowning on this choice, but seriously, fuck you. It is not my fault that you have never been drunk on a hot summer day in Los Angeles. Anyone who doesn’t “get” The Doors, that’s all they need to do. Get super wasted in the heat of LA & suddenly The Doors make sense. I know this because everyone in LA is not from LA and they’re like “WTF” until I show them the light. This is my personal favorite Doors album. It’s so classic, super sexy & mad fiendish. I just want to get into a bottle & a bunch of trouble with it. Another great choice: Waiting For The Sun.
Tangents about booze & sex. Can’t get much more Marissa A. Ross than that.
I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT THIS! It’s my favorite lipgloss in the world. It’s not too dark with the quintessential amount of glimmer & tons of shine. Only downsides: it will ruin wine glasses & the faces of those you’re making out with. Oh well. Occupational hazards exist, ya’all.
Corkscrew Keychain $3 – $10
Do you know how many times people like me are in situations where they need a corkscrew but left the travel one from the Hilton in their other clutch? ALL THE TIME. That’s why this is a really affordable & smart gift!
Family Members’ Left Over Pharmaceuticals
For you broke, soulless types with access to your elderly-people relatives’ medicine cabinets or recent wisdom-teeth-losing younger siblings who haven’t discovered the recreational uses of Vicodin yet.
So, that’s it!
Unless you know where to get a bikini made of a hundred dollar bills?