A Tangent About My Official Pants.

7 03 2012

Just wanted to let you know that I have found the pants I am going to wear for the rest of my life. So please don’t worry about me if you see me in these pants like, every day. I’m not going insane or homeless or anything. This is a personal choice I’m making, a la Doug Funnie, to have sort of a uniform when I’m not in a bikini. I have never really felt this way about a pair of pants before, like I’m in love, but I’ve just never felt better than I do in these pants. They are everything I’ve ever wanted in a pair of pants: tropical, my favorite colors (mint teal, teal, green, mint, black), one size too big & perfect ankle length.

This is me saying, “Hey, I found my pants. I don’t know what you want from me.”

Usually I do not wear any one piece of clothing out in public, like more than three times because I am a nut case with a shit ton of clothes but these, they are just too quintessential to my lifestyle. I just can’t even imagine myself not wearing them all the time. I DON’T WANT TO EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I hope everyone wants to have sex with me IN THESE PANTS. FOR FOREVER. IF I DIE, I WANT TO BE CREMATED IN THESE PANTS. DO YOU HEAR ME, FUTURE BRO WITH POWER OF ATTORNEY OVER MY DEAD BODY OR WHATEVER? I WANT TO BE WITH THESE PANTS FOR ALL OF MY DUSTY ETERNITY.

Sorry for every girl who wanted to buy these, but here’s the thing:

THESE ARE THE ONLY FUCKS I GIVE!

Look, it sucks not everyone has an internet platform read by bajillions of people & aliens & princesses around the universe such as myself to claim an article of clothing from a totally accessible store at the mall as their own. But that is not my fault. Some of us are born with blogs & enough unwarranted arrogance to try to say a pair of pants are their official pants. I was also born white with perfect bangs, can’t do anything about either of those things either so yeah, I’m sorry, despite being totally not sorry.

If you have an official article of clothing you never want me to wear in return, please let me know because that is fair (unless I already own it, in which case, sucks to be you again cause there’s probably already a picture of me on Instagram in it with somewhere between eleven and a trillion likes).

[Currently Listening 2 The Breezes via my post on Weekly Tape Deck, go read it, it has cool ideas.]





GPOYW: Valentine’s Day Outfit Edition.

15 02 2012

So, yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I personally am a huge fan of Valentine’s Day, always have been, even when I was a single asshole with a bad attitude because I love any excuse to buy wine & cheese & hang out. See, that’s what single people don’t get. They’re all on Twitter bitching about not getting flowers when I know there’s at least three other girls they could call over to share some aged cheddar, a relatively-priced Cabernet & old Meg Ryan movies with.

Who doesn’t love wine & cheese & old Meg Ryan?!

In fact, if you know girls who wouldn’t be down with wine & cheese & old Meg Ryan, you should stop knowing them. Immediately. There is something inherently wrong with them & they obviously have no taste &/or soul.

Anyway, I am not single. So, I don’t have to worry about dumping any friends because they won’t watch When Harry Met Sally with me. What I do have to worry about though, is making sure my dudefriend doesn’t dump me.

He’s a really good dudefriend.
So I show him I love him in many ways,
one of which is not dressing up for Valentine’s Day.

What’s not to love
about no makeup,
sweatpants,
a man’s tshirt,
a faux leather jacket
& moccasins that are worn through the bottom?!

MY SHIT BE BANGIN’.

WATCH OUT,
I MIGHT SNUG’ UP ON UR ASS.
GET ALL COMFY & NOT GIVE A FUUUUCK.





GPOYW: Oh, Wow, I Am Dobby’s Mom’s Portrait By Ralph Steadman.

28 09 2011

This is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Taylor Weller painted me! It is just about my favorite thing in the world right now, aside from the amazing photos Kimberley Gordon took of me this past weekend (check them out on my website’s gallery). I love this so much because it reminds me of a Ralph Steadman sketch, totally a bizarre, house-elfish take on this bitch. It’s fabulous. If only in real life I was this tall! I’m hoping I can convince Taylor to send me a signed copy of this dude for my future wine cellar, which will also be adorned with portraits of me & all my friends drinking wine at different wineries. It’s basically going to be a bragging room, and I can’t have a bragging room without my first painting. I feel like that would discredit it.

Taylor has said she’s also going to be doing one of Zissou, which personally, I am WAY MORE excited about. Zissou has only ever drank one drink in his entire life– a “Keith Richards” that he snuck a glass of from underneath a tall couch– and I think that is going to be the real winner.

[Currently Listening 2 Bridge Underwater via Yvynyl]





A Quick Reminder That I’m Still Human.

31 08 2011

The other night, I was stuck in traffic on Santa Monica Boulevard because people don’t understand how to merge still in 2011. While stuck in this traffic, four late-twenties bros in a white PT Cruiser convertible next to me yelled, “YOU’RE UGLY!” and started barking at me. I sat there for approximately thirty seconds while a man with a goatee behind the wheel of a white PT Cruiser convertible fucking barked at me.

Just wanted to remind you that I’m still a totally normal person who gets told she’s ugly by dudes with bad facial hair in their grandmother’s weekend car, in case you forgot that I will never in my life escape public ridicule.

I’m also a human because I have a tumblr & participate in GPOYW,
in case you forgot what I look like.

[Still Listening 2 WEIRD SUMMER III]





GPOYW: Derby Day Trash Act Edition.

11 05 2011

This is me during our friend’s Kentucky Derby party.
We had a pool & stuff and you know, my horse,
Comma To The Top or whatever,
was in second for like 5 & A HALF SECONDS.
They were an exhilarating five & a half seconds.

I didn’t really care though, I mean, to be totally honest,
I just love any legitimate excuse to get day-drunk & wear hats.

Mint Juleps are one of my favorite cocktails!
So decadent, so depraved!

For those of you who don’t follow me on Tumblr,
Coke Talk posted an excellent recipe for these bad boys:

The Mint Motherfuckin’ Julep

2 tablespoons superfine sugar
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
24 mint leaves, plus 4 sprigs for garnish
2 cups finely crushed ice
1 cup Kentucky fuckin’ bourbon

Combine sugar, lemon juice, and mint leaves in a pitcher. Crush well with a wooden spoon. Add ice and bourbon, and mix well.

Pour into silver tumblers, garnish with mint sprigs, and drink that shit like you come from old southern money.

Such a lovely summer sipper, you should go enjoy some ASAP.

[Currently Listening 2 Monster Rally’s New Mix For I Paint My Mind]





GPOYW: I Made The Paper! Edition.

4 05 2011

- from the Tumblr Reads LA event, via BrandX





GPOYW: Pro-Chip&Dip-Tip Edition.

20 04 2011

Since it is the best day in the world
to eat exorbitant amounts of chips & dips,
I am going to give you a really awesome piece of advice.

When you get to the bottom of the bag,
don’t throw that shit away.
PUT IT ON A PLATE
WITH THE DIP
THEN YOU EAT IT
WITH A UTENSIL.

credit: maxchapsweenhaus

This is me getting caught doing this,
so obviously I just had to come out
& be like THIS IS WHO I AM
& I AM BRILLIANT!!!

[Currently Listening 2 “KEYISHA COLE”, duh. Thnx forever 2 my boy MCG.]








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