A Tangent About My Official Pants.

7 03 2012

Just wanted to let you know that I have found the pants I am going to wear for the rest of my life. So please don’t worry about me if you see me in these pants like, every day. I’m not going insane or homeless or anything. This is a personal choice I’m making, a la Doug Funnie, to have sort of a uniform when I’m not in a bikini. I have never really felt this way about a pair of pants before, like I’m in love, but I’ve just never felt better than I do in these pants. They are everything I’ve ever wanted in a pair of pants: tropical, my favorite colors (mint teal, teal, green, mint, black), one size too big & perfect ankle length.

This is me saying, “Hey, I found my pants. I don’t know what you want from me.”

Usually I do not wear any one piece of clothing out in public, like more than three times because I am a nut case with a shit ton of clothes but these, they are just too quintessential to my lifestyle. I just can’t even imagine myself not wearing them all the time. I DON’T WANT TO EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I hope everyone wants to have sex with me IN THESE PANTS. FOR FOREVER. IF I DIE, I WANT TO BE CREMATED IN THESE PANTS. DO YOU HEAR ME, FUTURE BRO WITH POWER OF ATTORNEY OVER MY DEAD BODY OR WHATEVER? I WANT TO BE WITH THESE PANTS FOR ALL OF MY DUSTY ETERNITY.

Sorry for every girl who wanted to buy these, but here’s the thing:

THESE ARE THE ONLY FUCKS I GIVE!

Look, it sucks not everyone has an internet platform read by bajillions of people & aliens & princesses around the universe such as myself to claim an article of clothing from a totally accessible store at the mall as their own. But that is not my fault. Some of us are born with blogs & enough unwarranted arrogance to try to say a pair of pants are their official pants. I was also born white with perfect bangs, can’t do anything about either of those things either so yeah, I’m sorry, despite being totally not sorry.

If you have an official article of clothing you never want me to wear in return, please let me know because that is fair (unless I already own it, in which case, sucks to be you again cause there’s probably already a picture of me on Instagram in it with somewhere between eleven and a trillion likes).

[Currently Listening 2 The Breezes via my post on Weekly Tape Deck, go read it, it has cool ideas.]


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GPOYW: Valentine’s Day Outfit Edition.

15 02 2012

So, yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I personally am a huge fan of Valentine’s Day, always have been, even when I was a single asshole with a bad attitude because I love any excuse to buy wine & cheese & hang out. See, that’s what single people don’t get. They’re all on Twitter bitching about not getting flowers when I know there’s at least three other girls they could call over to share some aged cheddar, a relatively-priced Cabernet & old Meg Ryan movies with.

Who doesn’t love wine & cheese & old Meg Ryan?!

In fact, if you know girls who wouldn’t be down with wine & cheese & old Meg Ryan, you should stop knowing them. Immediately. There is something inherently wrong with them & they obviously have no taste &/or soul.

Anyway, I am not single. So, I don’t have to worry about dumping any friends because they won’t watch When Harry Met Sally with me. What I do have to worry about though, is making sure my dudefriend doesn’t dump me.

He’s a really good dudefriend.
So I show him I love him in many ways,
one of which is not dressing up for Valentine’s Day.

What’s not to love
about no makeup,
sweatpants,
a man’s tshirt,
a faux leather jacket
& moccasins that are worn through the bottom?!

MY SHIT BE BANGIN’.

WATCH OUT,
I MIGHT SNUG’ UP ON UR ASS.
GET ALL COMFY & NOT GIVE A FUUUUCK.


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GPOYW: Oh, Wow, I Am Dobby’s Mom’s Portrait By Ralph Steadman.

28 09 2011

This is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Taylor Weller painted me! It is just about my favorite thing in the world right now, aside from the amazing photos Kimberley Gordon took of me this past weekend (check them out on my website’s gallery). I love this so much because it reminds me of a Ralph Steadman sketch, totally a bizarre, house-elfish take on this bitch. It’s fabulous. If only in real life I was this tall! I’m hoping I can convince Taylor to send me a signed copy of this dude for my future wine cellar, which will also be adorned with portraits of me & all my friends drinking wine at different wineries. It’s basically going to be a bragging room, and I can’t have a bragging room without my first painting. I feel like that would discredit it.

Taylor has said she’s also going to be doing one of Zissou, which personally, I am WAY MORE excited about. Zissou has only ever drank one drink in his entire life– a “Keith Richards” that he snuck a glass of from underneath a tall couch– and I think that is going to be the real winner.

[Currently Listening 2 Bridge Underwater via Yvynyl]


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A Quick Reminder That I’m Still Human.

31 08 2011

The other night, I was stuck in traffic on Santa Monica Boulevard because people don’t understand how to merge still in 2011. While stuck in this traffic, four late-twenties bros in a white PT Cruiser convertible next to me yelled, “YOU’RE UGLY!” and started barking at me. I sat there for approximately thirty seconds while a man with a goatee behind the wheel of a white PT Cruiser convertible fucking barked at me.

Just wanted to remind you that I’m still a totally normal person who gets told she’s ugly by dudes with bad facial hair in their grandmother’s weekend car, in case you forgot that I will never in my life escape public ridicule.

I’m also a human because I have a tumblr & participate in GPOYW,
in case you forgot what I look like.

[Still Listening 2 WEIRD SUMMER III]


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GPOYW: Derby Day Trash Act Edition.

11 05 2011

This is me during our friend’s Kentucky Derby party.
We had a pool & stuff and you know, my horse,
Comma To The Top or whatever,
was in second for like 5 & A HALF SECONDS.
They were an exhilarating five & a half seconds.

I didn’t really care though, I mean, to be totally honest,
I just love any legitimate excuse to get day-drunk & wear hats.

Mint Juleps are one of my favorite cocktails!
So decadent, so depraved!

For those of you who don’t follow me on Tumblr,
Coke Talk posted an excellent recipe for these bad boys:

The Mint Motherfuckin’ Julep

2 tablespoons superfine sugar
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
24 mint leaves, plus 4 sprigs for garnish
2 cups finely crushed ice
1 cup Kentucky fuckin’ bourbon

Combine sugar, lemon juice, and mint leaves in a pitcher. Crush well with a wooden spoon. Add ice and bourbon, and mix well.

Pour into silver tumblers, garnish with mint sprigs, and drink that shit like you come from old southern money.

Such a lovely summer sipper, you should go enjoy some ASAP.

[Currently Listening 2 Monster Rally's New Mix For I Paint My Mind]


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GPOYW: I Made The Paper! Edition.

4 05 2011

- from the Tumblr Reads LA event, via BrandX


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GPOYW: Pro-Chip&Dip-Tip Edition.

20 04 2011

Since it is the best day in the world
to eat exorbitant amounts of chips & dips,
I am going to give you a really awesome piece of advice.

When you get to the bottom of the bag,
don’t throw that shit away.
PUT IT ON A PLATE
WITH THE DIP
THEN YOU EAT IT
WITH A UTENSIL.

credit: maxchapsweenhaus

This is me getting caught doing this,
so obviously I just had to come out
& be like THIS IS WHO I AM
& I AM BRILLIANT!!!

[Currently Listening 2 "KEYISHA COLE", duh. Thnx forever 2 my boy MCG.]


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GPOYW: Coming Clean Edition.

23 03 2011

Over the past six months,
I’m sure you’ve noticed a change in Tangents.
And if you haven’t noticed, well, fuck you,
I have a whole inbox full to prove others have.
The point is, I’ve been busy on a mad secret project.

MAD SECRET
UNTIL NOW!

So for those of you who have been
bitching about the content,
or lack there of,
I have news for you.
BIG NEWS.

I’ve actually been writing, filming & starring in T&tT: The Series.
We started filming the pilot last week!

Yep, that’s me on set!
Yep, new mediums, ya’all!


And, obviously, some promotional shots.
Ahem, for, our marketing packages.

Please don’t be mad at me, guys. This has been weighing so hard on me! But I didn’t want to be like, “OMG GUYS, SORRY I’M FILMING A PILOT!” and then it not happen. That would be mad embarrassing & I do enough embarrassing shit without setting myself up for that kind of failure. But yeah, it’s been so hard not going on tangents about the whole process.

For example, it was so hard not to go on a tangent about the ridiculous bros that came out to audition for “Dudefriend”. See, we’re doing this all like, legit. We had serious castings in a serious casting room in a serious independent film office. We have a serious producer & we have a serious creator, AKA MEEE. Anyway, the castings for “Dudefriend” were beyond hilarious. Nearly all of the dudes read the lines like they HAAATTEEEDD ME! They totally didn’t get Dudefriend’s vibe. I mean, he can say I’m a whore 50 Cent would love to punch, but he says it WITH LOVE. We also had this like 6’5″, BEEF CAKE from JERSEY come in and I was just DYYYINNGGG. Like, did you not read the part of the character breakdown where it says this dude wears knitted sweaters with quails?! LOL

One bro came in & auditioned in SWEAT JEANS!
SWEAT JEANS! AAAAHAHAHHAHAAA!
Like, I couldn’t do anything but stare at his sweat jeans. I bet you’re wondering what those are. Well, let me tell you, they are like men’s jeggings as far as I could tell. I didn’t touch them or anything cause that would have been so weird, but I’m pretty sure they were men’s jeggings. I couldn’t even concentrate on my lines I was so taken with this bro’s sweat jeans. I’m like, what are you doing wearing something so distracting like that to an audition?!

Why would you try to draw me away from your performance
with your super comfortable yet trying-to-be-fashionable pants?!
YOU KNOW I LOVE COMFORT!

Anyway, guys, just had to come clean.
Sorry I’ve been neglecting T&tT.
Know it is for the best
& that we have some good stuff coming your way! :D

For everyone new here that’s like, “WTFFFF”
well, just click around & shit.
Sorry you’re late to the party. :(

[Currently Listening 2 Unknown Mortal Orchestra]


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GPOYW: Dear God I Hope I Don’t Really Look Like This Edition.

10 03 2011

This is a sketch I saw of myself
on the news the other night.
I’m wanted for
KILLIN’ IT.

Heh. Just kidding, duh.
I don’t even have cable to even know if I’m on it,
and just for clarification, I’m not saying that like,
“OOOOHH HMMM YESSS I DON’T HAVE CABLE BECAUSE I SPEAK WITH A HALF-ASSED SNOT NOSED ACCENT I MADE UP OUT OF ALL THE EXTRA PRETENTIOUSNESS I HAD SEEPING OUT MY FACE I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH! OOOOHH HMMM YESSS.”

I’m saying I don’t have cable,
like, it’s the end of the world!!!
And I’m not sure how I’ve survived!!!

I love cable! I love it! You just hit a fucking button and have like a seventy percent chance of seeing a random episode of Ancient Aliens, or Seinfeld, or some true hollywood story about someone you’ve only ever been vaguely interested in! Absolutely mind-blowing! Do you know how much time I would save by not having to plow through the piles of shit Netflix Watch Instantly gives me? I can only watch the one early Tim Burton film they’re featuring that month so many times!

This month is Batman: OG by the way.
Just watched it and am really glad I did.
LOOOOOVEEE THAT JOKER!!!

Anyyywayyy,
back to what I was saying.
That photo is actually from a storyboard.

Yes, that is me
obviously from a movie
I didn’t know I was in
about the long lost member
of the Ramones.

[Currently Listening 2 Burnt Ones]


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GPOYW: My Crafts Edition.

9 02 2011

Did you guys know I have a hobby
that isn’t drinking or blogging?
CRAZY, RIGHT?!

I actually make terrariums!
I made like, twelve over the holidays
but this is my latest & greatest.

I love it the most because I found that sweet vase thing randomly in my yard, filled with mud & leaves & looking totally not cute. But as with most Laney Boggs’, I saw the potential immediately & I made that shit over. Then, while I was at Home Depot to get a new battery for my gate opener– whichhh they didn’t have — I stopped by the succulents & picked some up. I’d been wanting one of those bright, beautiful, coral topped mini cacti since I started making terrariums in December so obviously, like, as soon as I got home, I got straight to work picking out rocks & getting my hands, jeans & my entire face covered in soil.

I know getting your face covered in soil seems improbable if you have a more than mediocre green thumb but that’s not true. As a truly experienced terrarium-er-ist, ahem, it’s quite easy to get soil on your face, especially if you are putting your succulents into small areas. See, sometimes the planting soil will get all stuck up in your plants after you’re done packing them in, and it looks mad sloppy. I don’t do sloppy. I do do the logical thing & close my eyes & blow over the tops of the succulents. That gets the dirt off their leaves but it also gets it on your face, so for those of you trying to go after my swagger on this one, MAKE SURE TO CLOSE YOUR EYES. You will kinda look like an extra for a depression-era stage play, but I mean, I’ll take a dirty face over a sloppy terrarium any day of the week.

Anyway, so I’m thinking that terrariums are going to be my side hustle.
I really love making them, and they don’t involve me staring at a screen.

If you’d like a terrarium, I will make you one.
I mean, it will cost you, I’m not in the business of giving shit away for free, I mean aside from the countless hilarious ideas, jokes & stories I’ve given you on my blog. I will autograph it for you though, free of charge, because that makes me feel mad flattered, which is my favorite!

This offer is only available to residents or visitors of Los Angeles.
Shipping terrariums is only slightly less stupid than shipping a fucking puppy.

[Currently Listening 2 Jeans Wilder, love his latest jams, so dreamy <3]


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A Tangent About The Stupid Shit I Do When I’m Alone With Whiskey.

3 02 2011

Last night, I was supposed to go scout locations for a bar scene we’re doing in this project that has been keeping me from blogging so much and go see White Fence at the Echo.

So, I did the only logical thing to do
before doing anything
& I started drinking.

The problem was I didn’t go buy more wine yesterday (knowing I would have to go to our local Vons today to cash a paycheck at the only Wells Fargo ATM on the east side apparently) and proceeded to drink whiskey & Naked Juice, literally the only two liquids consumable aside from tap water & vinegar in my home.

This was a terrible idea because BOTH my plans got canceled,
And I had pre-partied for BOTH sets of plans.
And then I was just drunk & alone & not able to do anything productive.
I ended up spending an hour trying to take my seemingly brilliant:
“GPOYW: THE MOST META PICTURE OF ALL TIME edition”.

I bet you’re wondering what that would entail right?

After about ten of those, I figured out an even better plan that involved something (if you can even imagine) even more embarrassing than trying to take a picture of myself on my own fucking 50″ television
but then Dudefriend came home (thank god).
And he made a pizza!!!

Of course, that took precedence over anything else going on in my life. Pizza, sober or drunk, is one of the top ten best things about this universe. Sure, cassette tapes & shit are cool, like, I also dig the ocean & think it’s miraculous, it’s totally on the list. But pizza, I mean, I’d go as far as to say, for me at least,
may be in the top five best things about this universe.

I spent the day at work just hating myself, hoping fate would bring me and the generous rugby player who randomly, without solicitation, gives me Vicodin together once more. But no. It didn’t. Fate only gives you Vicodin for free when you’re not spending your previous evenings being an asshole, apparently.

Learn from me kids.
Take my wisdom & run with it.
SLIDE INTO THE HOME PLATE OF SUCCESS WITH IT!
SLICE INTO THE APPLE PIE OF YOUR DREAMS WITH IT!
SLAY INTO THE HOT PIECE OF ASS YOU ENVISION AS YOUR CAREER WHEN YOU MASTURBATE WITH IT!

Do you not do that?
You don’t imagine your career is the hottest man that George Clooney, John Hamm and Jim Morrison could have ever gave birth to if said men could have sex & all have a baby to grow up into that, and then jerk off?

I don’t really either. I mean, I sort of do…
but mostly I just imagine myself with Miranda Kerr’s body.

[Currently Listening 2 this new BATHS' jammer]


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GPOYW: Preparation Edition.

12 01 2011

So, this is me preparing for my guest appearance tonight at Comedy Sportz’s “Date Night”. I get to do improvisational monologues about my love life based upon audience suggestions (in case none of you know how improv shows work, that’s how they work, based upon the suggestions of assholes [usually]). This is how I prepare for most things though. I usually try to find an oversized sweater with a relevant graphic on it to sit around the house drinking wine in, while being defensive about my lifestyle choices & throwing around a lot of sassy-ass “WHAT?!”s.

At least, that’s what it looks like I’m doing in this photo.
I was actually just posing for the photo.
OR WAS I?!?!?!

Alright, thanks guys for the well wishes.
Imma break like, all my legs 4 sure.

[Currently Listening 2 Electric Sunset]


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GPOYW: OH DAMN. WE BE RUNNIN THIS TUMBLR SHIT! Edition

5 01 2011

To My Husband.

The best new Tumblr with the baddest bitches on the blog-block.
I know, I know, believe me, MY OWN MIND IS BLOWN!
Please, if you have a Tumblr, follow all these ladies.
They are so good. I am so blessed! ♥

& if you don’t follow me on Tumblr, well, get real.

[Currently Listening 2 Paula Cole... LOL JK! I'm listening to this & Dent Sweat.

I'M ROSSY!!!]


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GPOYW: FURRRIEEEESSS Edition.

23 12 2010

My amazing friend Kim‘s dog, Stella, is staying with me. I love her so much. She is so amazing to have around because her & Zissou are so retardedly adorable & furry together and I get to make them cuddle with me.
There are nothing like furries to make you feel fuzzy on the inside. :)


Currently Listening 2 George Harrison’s “I Dig Love”… cause I do. <3


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GPOYW: High School John Lennon Essay Edition.

8 12 2010


me at like, nineteen or something, like don’t trip my hair’s still here

So, my TRUE fans know
I have such a serious relationship with John Lennon.
I have since I was a kid, like, I never had religion,
I only had The Beatles.

& that wasn’t because my parents were into them.
I mean, KINDA, but I grew up with
some mainstream Southern California suburbanites.
Yanni & Van Halen foreveerrrrr.

Anyway, while I was alone & pathetic a little while ago going through the Mac I got in high school to find this photo of my homemade “War Is Over” tank, I came across this essay I wrote about John Lennon sophomore year. I was like, “I will never use this again unless I use it right now. Unless I post it on the internet for people who I don’t know but I know already know everything about John Lennon to read about everything they know about John Lennon LOLOLOLLLLZZZLOLOLZZZ.”

Anyway, so if you don’t know everything about John Lennon
& love reading at a sixteen year old’s level,
you should continue on.

I don’t know, I’m wine drunk.
Tons of things SEEM like good ideas.
WHO KNOWS WHAT I’M BLOGGIN’ NEXT!!!

At any rate, RIP ♥ J.LEN.
WELIKETHISSEEYAINHEAVENBRO!

KEEP READING FOR LOTS OF DATES & FACTZ FROM ME IN 2002


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