Some Tangents About The Film Babies.

5 04 2011

WARNING: This may spoil some of the movie but I don’t think this really spoils the movie cause the movie is just about babies being fucking babies around the world & get this, THEY’RE BABIES.

A couple months ago, I was at Molls‘ house & we watched the cinematic masterpiece Babies (or Bébés for all you dicks that are like, “IT’S A FRENCH FILM”) & drank wine… me probably drinking like, twice too much considering this note called “Tweet Abt Babies” I found on my phone, full of really insightful opinions about the movie & life, basically.

I am going to share them with you here, for the first time publicly.
Just so you guys know how devastatingly perceptive I am.

“What if third world country ppl are stronger bc when they’re babies
bc they only have dusty rocks to bury their faces into instead of pillows?
re: opening of Babies”

I think this is so true. Like, we can all relate to crying really hard & then throwing yourself onto your pillow. But that kid threw his himself on A FUCKING ROCK.

You know what the lesson is here?
There’s no crying in Africa!!!

Really makes you appreciate those years you spent being misdiagnosed as bipolar when you were really just an amateur menstruater, crying about not getting your way & never making out with Eric Angel.

(We had the same birthday, so I mean, obviously I was crushed when it turned out that didn’t mean we were soulmates freshman year.)

“Do they only wrap babies in Asia or will my baby be a present too?”

BECAUSE IF MY BABY
DOESN’T LOOK LIKE
IT’S ITS OWN BDAY PRESENT
I DO NOT WANT IT.
YAH, THNX GOD.
DON’T GET CHEAP ON ME.

“Sad Asian kinda looks like a JoBro.”

Well, I mean, that’s just a fact.

“OMG white kid doing yoga.
OMG WHITE KID GETTING LINT ROLLLLEEEDDD!!!”

This is exactly what it sounds like.
It sounds like that white kid’s a biiiitttchhh!!!

“Frustrated baby bc homeboy couldn’t ‘fit square peg in the circle’
HAHAHA WELCOME 2 LIFE DUMMY!”

Think this one explains itself quite eloquently.

“Kids are inherently assholes. Re: Asian kids”

This reads super racist but it’s really not– it’s really just about how the Asian (or Mongolian… I can’t remember… they look the same) kid’s sibling is a dick and is constantly dicking her over. That’s another theme in this film, that siblings are dicks. In Babies: 2020: 3D, it will be revealed that all the siblings are bffs/estranged/dead.

“How happy was that Mongolian saying ‘momma’?!?!”

This made me think of how awesome it would be to have a little creature made from my image look at me with the same kind of love that my dog looks at me with and then gave me a name, something reflective of our relationship, like, “QUEEN”. And then I threw up in my mouth cause even if my child did call me “QUEEN” or maybe “QUEEN MOM”, to have said child I would have had to push it out of my vagina & that means I would have to have my vag to my ass CUT, YES, CUT DURING CHILDBIRTH. THE THOUGHT OF A HUGE, GAPING VAG-ASS IS THE WORST, WORST, WORST THING I CAN POSSIBLY THINK OF. I WANT TO DIE ALREADY. #episiotomies

Yes, I realize they stitch it up.
But you have to live with the fact
that at one point you had
a HUGE GAPING VAG-ASS.
#barrrfff

Anyway, that scene was still cute!
Damn my racing thoughts & pregnancy themed night terrors! LOL

“Old people are so poignant.”

Well, no shit. What else are going to do with all that wisdom they’ve been collecting for like a hundred years?

“OMG white kid is like GET ME OUTTA HERE!@!! re: chant sesh”

Strange when you think about how down he was for yoga & getting lint rolled!

“I am an asshole. re: white babies are assholes”

I know my mom didn’t take me to yoga, but she did let me eat chicken nuggets in bed, so yeah, I’ve always been a spoiled white bitch. And I still am a spoiled white bitch, probably because I’ve grown up with ample food and a bed to eat it in. Not my fault. I’m just a product of my environment that just happens not to be a fucking llama farm.

Yep, and that’s why I am here!
Just busy being an entitled asshole
that used to be a spoiled white baby!
Thanks for reading! xoxoxo


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The Godfather + When Harry Met Sally = 2+ Handfuls of Wisdom.

9 04 2009

Last night, over a couple PBR with hops at the Short Stop (quite the enchanting Echo Park evening ahhh ha [the sound swanky people make]) I got into a conversation with my newly discovered neighbor about The Lonely Island.

He said something along the lines of loving Andy Samberg.
I said something along the lines of wanting to passionately maul Jorma Taccone’s face with kisses.
In so many words, we both agreed Andy and Jorma were irresistible.

And then we thought about Akiva.
What is different about Akiva?
We say well, you know, he’s more of a writer/director… he just doesn’t have that charisma, the gravitas of Andy on camera…
And then a light bulb goes off.

(Alright, I didn’t watch it all the way through when I first posted it…
Impatience ruining my entire set up…
ANYWAY, the important part is he next says…

“No you didn’t. A Sheldon can do your income taxes, if you need a root canal, Sheldon’s your man… but humpin’ and pumpin’ is not Sheldon’s strong suit. It’s the name. ‘Do it to me Sheldon, you’re an animal Sheldon, ride me big Shel-don.’ Doesn’t work.“

I’m going to try to find a better vid… :\ )

Seriously.
Sorry, Akiva but I can’t imagine it.
So, you see
When Harry Met Sally = The Godfather of the Rom-Com.

Not kidding. So many life lessons.
They say you can learn everything you need to know in life from The Godfather but that’s not true. The Godfather is about business and power not about love and quirky impractically romantic conundrums. But together… you’ve got over two handfuls of wisdom !

And out of the goodness of my heart, I decided to do you a favor.
I have combined the two to make a list of some of the viable life lessons from both films thus saving you hours of movie watching / dialogue analyzing / thesis writing.
You can thank me when the quality of your life improves.

12. “You take someone to the airport, its clearly the beginning of the relationship. (That’s why I have never taken anyone to the airport at the beginning of a relationship.)”
Keep expectations low so you don’t disappoint.

11. “We don’t discuss business at the table.”
No one likes shitty manners.

10. “Most women at one time or another have faked it.”
True story.

9. “Blood is a big expense.”
It’s harder to get out than red wine (& we all know how much trouble I have with that).

8. “Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.”
Variables are vexing.

7. “Drop the gun, take the cannolli.”
Because it’s delicious and not incriminating !

6. “Make him an offer he won’t refuse.”
IE: Blowjobs.

5. “No man can be friends with a woman… He always wants to have sex with her.”
Still personally grappling with this but evidence to date proves correct.

4. “Don’t ever take sides against the family.”
Because they would kill you. Obviously.

3. “Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor but they couldn’t possibly all have good taste.”
RIGHT ?!

2. “It’s not personal… It’s strictly business.”
Don’t take things personally.

1. “This is not about you.”
Once again, let me reiterate: don’t take things personally.

Oh!
And “Go to the mattresses”.
ALWAYS.

Well, you think about those and I’m going to go ignore #5 and laugh about #3 while reading tweets and talk to my manager about #6… making offers no one can refuse not blow jobs… unless that’s in my contract or something.

PS. Still got mad luffz4yuh Akiva ! <3


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Jarring: The Dark Knight.

17 07 2008

The Jam: The Dark Knight

With an IMAX, start with tons of potential and high expectations. Add two of Hollywood’s most talented men, a step-up from Katie Holmes and that same charming smile of Nick Naylor. Add some film alumni; mix well. Seep in defined acting chops. Add action; cut it up. Suspend disbelief; stir constantly. Boil with disappointing dialogue and cheesy, unbelievable monologues. Process for two hours and thirty-two minutes before setting the jars out on the shelves to be ferociously consumed by the masses.

Tastes a Lot Like: Bartlett Harlequin Jam- everything about it is seemingly delicious and then you have to go and add those damn fake, contrived Maraschino cherries.

Let’s start with Batman Begins. Well written and excellently executed, the film upped the ante in the latex smothered superhero department. Christian Bale is by far one of the supreme and dedicated talents in Hollywood (hello, did anyone see the The Machinist?) and brought a true sense of soul to the identity conflicted protagonist Bruce Wayne… not to mention a gym bag full of good looks. With a foundation like Begins, it’s hard to imagine its successor being anything but stellar.
The Dark Knight tells the tale of Batman and his escapades with the Joker. When I say “escapades” this includes a number of intense action sequences taking place in the streets and (watch out!) the sky. Not being much of an action fan myself, they were still incredible. It also has exactly what you want in a cast. Christian Bale still looks good in any suit from Bat to Gucci and performs so wholeheartedly it resonates within his relationships with all the characters. That carton of lukewarm milk casually known as the beard of Tom-Kat was rightfully replaced with a woman of substance and ability- Maggie Gyllenhaal. Aaron Eckhart is as honorably heartwarming as ever (mostly). Morgan Freeman and Michael Cane are genuinely talented gentlemen, as always. Heath was obviously the best in show. Maniacal and creepy, he was the epitome of The Joker. From his disgusting mannerisms to his eerie cadence, he filled the purple suit first worn by Jack Nicholson (much to his dismay) with an extra ounce of evil. All the performances were great- especially given the material.
Yes, that was an allusion to the fact that director Christopher Nolan and brother Jonathan are not writers. Look, I know I’m going into this not being able to believe every motorcycle/bus/plane/ferry/starship-cruiser chase I see. But if you have believable characters, I will totally eat up any technological tomfoolery scheme or military machine mumbojumbo. Unfortunately, the dialogue was cliché and there were a number of moments where more than a few of the audience members flat laughed out loud. I particularly liked the “We’ve got company!” sort of fillers and cheap speeches. I expected more from the good citizens of Gotham.
Besides the lame convos and the fact it is about two and a half hours long, it’s good. If you liked the first one, you should go. If you’re looking to get laid, this is a good date movie- you got your action, you got a nice little romantic through line, you got Gary Oldman; you’re set. Unless it’s some liberal babe who hates… Gary Oldman. Because no self-respecting human being hates Batman. And that’s a fact.


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