I really need a new purse. This is going to sound kinda bitchy & I’m totally not meaning for it to but all I have are these designer bags from when I was actually kind of a bitch and it’s like, yeah, these Gucci totes are still really useful but then again it’s also like if I have to hear Dudefriend make fun of my monograms one more time I might MelGib him.
Anyway, all this purse nonsense kind of got me thinking about how purses are kinda stupid anyway, like trying to find a cute one and shit. It all really stresses me out and to be honest, it’s like I don’t even really neeeed a purse. When I go out it’s like I just bring my card & some lip gloss & maybe my cell phone if I feel a bout of social anxiety coming on & may need to start Tweeting and it’s not like I’m ever NOT wearing some sort of baggy shorts with little things called fucking POCKETS.
And what have purses ever really done for me
except get bitches jealous
& confuse bros?
So, I’ve decided instead of buying a new purse,
I’m just going to start carrying around twelve packs.
I mean, girl, really, have you ever been on Sunset & gotten like nine hundred catcalls from a fucking purse like you have from a twelve pack of Tecate on the Saturday of a Dodger Game?
Hell no you haven’t!
Plus, this will save you from buying beer wherever you’re going or save you the humiliation of flirting with assholes so they’ll buy you a beer. I mean, I really think I am onto something here!
And if you’re like
I DON’T DREEENK BEER
with like this sort of thing goin’:

Well then you are obviously not used to thinking outside the box.
Because maybe you don’t drink beer but like a lot of people do.
This will make you way more fucking popular than some new… I don’t even know what’s “cool” anymore but even if you just go buy like nine bags from H&M that match like everything you own for like two dollars a piece because Taiwanese toddlers sewed them together with their teeth, you’re still going to look so much cooler with a twelve pack.
…
…
…
LOL.
OKAY SORRY GUYS.
I CAN’T KEEP THIS UP LOL!
I don’t really care at all about purses
or purses making people look cool at all.
I do care about me not looking like such an alcoholic
walking back & forth from the liquor store four times a day.
I’m still going to consider it a fashion statement.










