This weekend I got Dudefriend to spend the best seventeen dollars he’s spent on me this year & take me to go see Beauty & The Beast 3D.
IT WAS SO AWESOME!!!
I’m not even a fan of 3D movies because they usually give me a headache & I can’t get drunk beforehand but Beauty & The Beast 3D was not like that because since it was made back in the day, its 3Dness is just like a really nice depth of field with the foreground & middleground & animated background actors. I was AGASP when they open up on the beautiful rolling hills of Belle’s poor provincial town & surrounding wind-swept meadows with tiny little pink flowers & shit. I was seriously five all over again. I smiled the whole time, except for the parts where obviously you shouldn’t smile– like when she cries about never seeing her father again or any time Gaston is on screen cause I really don’t like his attitude.
I probably hadn’t watched Beauty & The Beast
in like, a good ten or so years.
FAR TOO LONG.
But kind of awesome because I realized
something about Beauty & The Beast
THAT I NEVER REALIZED BEFORE:
THAT IT IS FUCKED UP THAT THE BEAST GOT BEASTED!!!
Look, I get it. He was an asshole to everyone & then one stormy night he was an asshole to the wrong haggard hobo that came to the door & she spelled him. But guess what? The math is pretty fucked up on this story because in the movie, first it explains via stained glass that the prince was a dick his whole life & then was beasted. Then it explains that the spell must be broken via the wilting rose by his twenty-first birthday. Then Mrs. Potts or someone says that they have been objectified (bahdumchhhh) for the past ten years.
So, basically,
via math
via my brain
via the supplied information
via the script,
THE BEAST WAS BEASTED AT LIKE, TEN YEARS OLD.
I think that the haggard hobo/beautiful enchantress should have given him a break. All ten year olds are dicks anyway and secondly, he was just following one of the top three most important rules of childhood: never let strangers in!
I can’t believe he even answered the door at night to be honest!
And I think that is the REAL moral of the story here.
DON’T ANSWER THE DOOR AT NIGHT! ESPECIALLY IF IT’S A STRANGER!
It’s still the number one way to not get beasted &/or SVU’d.
