Apparently, there is this Katy Perry song called “California Gurls”,
which also confused me because they would be like,
“You know that song, ‘California Gurls’?”
And I was like, “Yeah, I love the Beach Boys.”
And they were like, “LOLOLOLLLLZZZZ.”

So after I was laughed at, I watched the video to educate myself.

The point is, Katy Perry, aside from the Daisy Dukes and bikinis, is like totally filling people’s heads with nonsense with this video. Like, first of all, this ain’t Candyland, alright? I’m really questioning whether this bitch is actually indigenous cause unless this whole video is a euphemism for weed, she is way off base. Nothing is white here. This ain’t no winter fucking wonderland. Like, on the real, there are no ice cream cones chillin’ on the side of the road. That shit barely lasts in your kitchen let alone in the sun. And another real fact, YOU’D NEVER EAT THE CLOUDS HERE. EVER. LIKE, SERIOUSLY, THOSE AREN’T EVEN CLOUDS. THAT’S SMOG.

Also, mad curious as to how she managed to lose all her clothes while climbing up that candy cane to the cloud, cause like, she had some serious stockings on and an entire get-up made of high fructose corn syrup. Shit couldn’t have been easy. Props 4 those skills, fuh’shooo.

I dunno. I mean, I “get” it’s just a “music video” but there are people out there taking this shit as truth & who are asking us natives if we’re “fine, fresh & fierce”, which, I mean, is mad true OBVI, but the only chicks with blue hair around these parts are fat & still wear creepers. Just sayin’.

UGHHHH HERE’S A TRUE FACT ABOUT CALIFORNIA GIRLS:
WE GET MAD BUMMED WHEN
OUR FAVE FLIP FLOPS BREAK OUTTA NOWHERE!!!

We also apparently:
- Start drinking at two.
- Do not brush our hair.
- Do not have real jobs.

WE GOT IT ON LOCK!!!

Thanks 2 Shawn, like 2 years ago, for this gift in my life,
bringing me light on the reg’.

I think it’s from ’87 so I know it doesn’t reallyyy qualify,
but I think it’s better than all of
Pitchfork’s Top 200 Tracks of the 90′s
COMBINED.

LOL okay, that was totally a lie.
I just think Pitchfork lists are bullshit.
Obviously, Ma$e shoulda been #1.

I’ve learned a lot while here in Illinois (especially while reading Rockford Woman this morning) and I have a mini-series worth of Midwestern tangents I will hopefully be rolling out over a two-week special blog event, granted I stay passionate about technologically retarded Elderly Americans at weddings & the like, which I don’t know how I couldn’t because I seriously wanted to kill this grandma at the wedding we were at. Like, honestly, don’t bring a fucking camera to a wedding that makes three beeps while you focus and then, like, fucking honks when you actually take the picture. I mean, maybe she didn’t know her digital camera doubled as a prop from The Mask and then maybe one, ONE of these disruptive audio sequences would have been understandable but to continue throughout the entire ceremony with that shit, playing like the Roger Rabbit OST is just unacceptable. It’s like we’re in this beautiful church listening to some god jibberish & it’s soooo quiet aside from the sparkles in everyone’s eyes as these two barely graduated college kids dedicate the rest of each other’s lives to one another & there you are, just honnnkin’ it up.
SO RUDE.
IT’S LIKE DON’T USE THE CAM
IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
LIKE TURNING OFF THE SOUND, YOU DEAF OLD SEQUINED DUFFER.

OK, that was mean.
I shouldn’t talk about old people in caps like that.
She can’t help she’s like ninety & she hasn’t broken her hips yet.
And she seriously must have been deaf, which is sad.
Deaf or BORN IN A FUCKING BARN,
which is entirely possible considering all the barns I’ve seen out here.

My point is technology should only be allowed for those young enough to just get it or those with enough eyesight to still read the user manuals. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all & the only people who would disagree are the stubborn assholes who refuse to read user manuals because they can’t accept they’re fucking old.

AHEM.
ANNYYYWAYYY, all in all,
I had a great time out here
& am kinda bummed to head back to Los Angeles.
I mean, sure, old people are really annoying & old sometimes
but apple orchards & home cooked meals & open bars are all awesome.

[Currently Listening 2 Van Morrison, but god forbid there be a single video of that shit on the internet that isn't some dumb ass parental photo montage of brown eyed five year olds or jackasses that think cause they own an acoustic guitar they should be making videos for the entire world to laugh at.]

I’m going to miss the lawns & willow trees,
and suddenly I am wishing it was winter.

I’m sad to say this was my last request for SSB
BUT!
I like what I wrote while I was on the plane to Chicago,
SO CHECK IT OUT RIGHT HERE. NOW.
KTHNX. ♥

Ian said my column would continue to some new degree, so fear not!
You will still have my delightful Friendship Bracelet posts in the future
& Sesame Street Bandaids will play forever
in the radio programming of our hearts.

Then I went to the wedding rehearsal dinner
for an evening of cheese pizza with a side of Classic Lays.

So, what I’m saying is, the last like month of trying to work out & look like a babe for my Midwestern vacation was foiled within the first six hours of my arrival in Illinois. Within those first six hours, I also learned that the only thing anyone here knows about Los Angeles is that Illinois’ traffic does not have shit on LA traffic. Which, is true.

It’s just funny cause we got stuck in probably four separate traffic jams, with different parties and each of the parties would begin to bitch about traffic & then say, “Oh, well, we probably shouldn’t be complaining to you guys!”
which is fucking true.
Glad they all caught themselves.

[Currently Listening 2 FUCK YES NEW MONSTER RALLY]

Alright, like I know there are some of you that are just like ONE sneezers and can like keep it together, you know like pucker your face & get it all out real quick and be done. But some of us are EIGHT sneezers and honestly, sometimes, in the midst of a sneeze attack while driving, I sort of fear for my life. I can’t keep my eyes open! I just keep sneezing! And sneezing! And it’s like OMGGG I’M MAKING A LEFT HAND TURN ON VERMONT, I CAN’T DEALLL!!!

And I swear to god if you give me a link to one of those “Let me Google it for you” pages, I’ll punch you because I DID GOOGLE IT and the results were not helpful which is why I’m here being like “YO THIS NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED!” or at least like, mentioned in a Claritin commercial or someeething cause honestly, for all us snot-nosed & allergy afflicted VICTIMS OF NATURE, this is a serious concern. I don’t have health insurance to even get the prescriptions for said allergy affliction let alone pay to have my fucking face sewn back on after crashing into a pole during an allergy attack!

I’m just like curious what experts have to say about it.
You know, something alone the lines of a
“What To Do If You Sneeze More Than Twelve Times In A Row While Driving?”
article featured in Cosmo or something next month.
Like, should I pull over?
But what if I’m in the middle of the fore mentioned left turn onto Vermont?
Should I just stop driving on days I’m too poor to afford eating a bottle of Zyrtec?
I mean, I don’t know about you guys but all my teachers told me that there are no dumb questions and seriously these have been plaguing me for awhile so it’s like I’M JUST LOOKING FOR SOME ANSWERS!

[Currently Listening 2 Danger Beach via Rose Quartz]

This picture was taken right before I was caught taking gratuitous pictures of myself for the first time. I’m like, you know, nineteen & like, you know, really into looking artsy & hip on my MySpace so one day, probably while ditching class & smoking weed, I decided to take this picture. The picture was not easy to take because I had to rig the camera up in my closet to get it at the right angle. We’re talking like 2006 here people. I had an iMac from graduation 2004 so it’s not like iSights were stock at this point. I was being fucking innovative!

It was at this point my roommate walked by that same window & saw me posing for myself & started (rightfully) fucking laughing her ass off & I jumped up all startled like & shut my closet door all quick like I hadn’t already been caught taking lame ass posed pictures of myself.

I don’t know what I was thinking.
Like obviously you should not take pictures of yourself
in front of a freaking open window
when you live on the first floor.

Yeah, I had to have been stoned to think this was a good idea.
I’ve always been about preserving my integrity,
even though more often than not,
I fail pretty miserably.

[Currently Listening 2 Dent May]

Turns out some fucking CAT beat me to it ten hours ago!!!

FUCK! IS THERE ANY ROOM TO BE ORIGINAL IN THIS WORLD?!

The answer is no.
I wasn’t unique enough for *GoogleAds
& I’m not unique enough for hashtags.
I just need to start a band with the word “wolf” in it now.

Whatever. I don’t care.
I don’t need ads or tags to make me feel good about myself.
I have a fucking push up bra, alright, I’m going to be just fine!!!

[Currently Listening 2 Kanye West]

*For all you new readers, I was denied GoogleAds awhile ago because my content “wasn’t unique enough”. That’s literally what the email said. Like fucking Google has any fucking idea what “unique” is with their super “unique” roofing Ads. Fucking assholes.

I’m pretty sad because today marks the departure of Sesame Street Bandaids. The program, originally called ICE CREAM PAINT JOB, entered my life one bored ass Monday at my old office job. I will never forget the first Monday with my new job working at home. I totally called in and was like,
HI IAN. THIS IS MARISSA… MARISSA A. ROSS?
I WOULD LIKE 2 REQUEST YELLOW WINGS BY KEEPAWAY
CAUSE IT’S REAL GOOD LIKE.
THANK YOU, SEE U ON THE NETZ!!!

He then played it for me & I became kinda addicted after a life long pursuit of wanting to hear my name on the radio (which is only trumped by name in lights but I’m not there yet, unless you count the cathode ray tubes of my own computer, which, I mean, I don’t but to each his own).

WAIT.
NOW HE’S SAYING IT’S NOT THE LAST POST!
WHICH I MEAN SUCKS CAUSE MY POST WAS WRITTEN
LIKE IT WAS THE LAST SHOW
BUT J’YEAH!
MORE SSB! HOLLA!

Check out my FB request column here!

Photo Credit: Meredith Leyerzaph, all rights reserved.