>>>[GET THE MIX]<<<

It may be August, but summer only ends if you let it. The excitement of June, the rush of running into the ocean, hot concrete, short shorts, the warm nights with friends gathered around wine & weed & your favorite records. Those estival sentiments, those are forever. It’s probably a lot easier to be this delusional here in Los Angeles, but I truly believe all you need is good music, good company and good vibes.

And just under the buzzer, here’s a mix to help make your summer last all year round, with love from me to you. Enjoy it with a cold one & your favorite people to laugh with.

Tracklist included in the .zip. xoxo

>>>[DON'T STOP GET IT GET IT]<<<

Accordingly, Dudefriend started watching CNN in the morning, which at first, I thought was a good idea. You know, keep up with current events, maybe catch some stupid shit Mitt Romney said, watch Bill Nye talk about global warming.

But after this morning,
I think CNN is a piece of shit.

The first reason,
is because they had a headline that read,
“Where was God in Aurora?”

I’m not even going to bother going in to that because if you think that is an appropriate question to be on what is supposed to be an objective news source (HA), then you are a part of the problem & I don’t have time to deal with you right now.

What really has me going though,
is this free plastic surgery for bullied kids bullshit.

This morning they ran a story on a perfectly normal looking preteen girl. By “perfectly normal looking”, I mean she looked like an average kinda gawky middle schooler, just like everyone else looks at that age. She wasn’t ugly, she just hadn’t grown into her ears. She was going to look just fine by the time she got through puberty.

But since the first grade, she was made fun of for her ears & subsequently, she is now a shy person & feels her ears are ruining her life & she convinced her dumb fucking parents to let her get free plastic surgery to get them pinned back.

Only once she got her ears pinned,
the surgeon savior realized,
she also would need
her nose & her chin done.

Because pinning her ears back would make her slightly angled nose & chin more prominent & then she would assumedly be made fun of for that.

So, now this girl any of us could have gone to junior high with, has a completely new face. This perfectly normal adolescent now has what she considers a perfect face.

The problem I have with this
is that I was exactly like this girl,
except instead of huge ears, I had a huge nose.

I was made fun of mercilessly for my nose from first grade until now, since most YouTube commenters are still fourteen apparently. I hated my nose & felt it was ruining my life. Kids at school called me “Rat Face”, which was eventually abbreviated to “Rat”. In junior high, boys would talk to me with their palm on their forehead, making this huge, 90 degree angle in front of their face to demonstrate what it was like talking to me. It was humiliating & I dreamed of the day I could get a nose job because when I told my parents I was being made fun of for my nose & that I wanted a nose job, they told me FUCK NO.

And I’m so glad they did
AND YES I’M GOING TO TELL YOU WHY!

Being bullied made me a stronger person. It was horrible in the thick of it, but now I am a awesome individual because of it. It built character & a thick skin, two very valuable assets outside the confines of math class that no surgeon can cut, inject or sculpt out of you. That’s the real shit right there. That’s life. That makes you who the fuck you are.

For me, I built up two defense mechanisms during those years of being bullied. I lived by the belief that if I made fun of myself before anyone else could, I could control the joke. Instead of being laughed at, I was laughing with them. The second defense mechanism was being a sarcastic little bitch. If I hadn’t had to develop those skills at an early age, I would not be the snide, self-deprecating piece of shit blogger you see here today.

And to be honest,
I really like my nose now!

I had to grow into it, and it’s not perfect, but I think it compliments me & my personality quite well.

Had my parents been like,
“OF COURSE WE’LL GET YOU A NOSE JOB
FOR 8TH GRADE GRADUATION, SWEETHEART!”
who knows what I’d look like or who I’d be today.

Being bullied isn’t new.
And yes, I realize the internet makes it worse.
BUT I TOO HAD THE INTERNET. AND DON’T THINK FOR A SECOND I DIDN’T GET HARASSED ON THE INTERNET BECAUSE I DID. AND IT WAS MEAN. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU PICK YOURSELF UP BY YOUR AIM MESSENGER NAME & YOU GO START A BLOG OR SOME SHIT & WHINE ABOUT IT & LISTEN TO EMO MUSIC JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

I find this plastic surgery for bullied kids deeply disconcerting as it deprives them the chance to be the person they were born to be.

But, then again,
maybe not everyone is so strong.
Maybe I just have dope-personality genes.
Maybe plastic surgery will stop the bullying
& subsequently stop some psycho from shooting up a school.

I guess there’s arguments both ways.

My final stance is that
I hope my kids grow up fucking ugly so they turn out to be fucking kick-ass adults. No one great as an adult was the cute kid in grade school. It’s always us losers with big ears or four eyes or extra long extremities that go on to kill it because if you’re a cute kid, everything goes your way & you never have to work for shit & you don’t have to develop kindness or a sense of humor or a big brain to have friends or enjoyment. You’re just cute & everyone likes you & you grow up & go to college & get fat & I get to laugh at you on Facebook because despite all the cool, admirable qualities I got out of being made fun of,
I am also a spiteful, petty asshole.

I’m going to be honest & say that after four years, keeping up with this blog has gotten hard but today, I feel an insane resurgence of excitement. I’m really stoked on the last four episodes of the show & I genuinely hope with all my little heart that you like them as much as I do (the scripts at least, we haven’t shot them yet so there’s still time for me to flip the fuck out & go all sorts of diva on everyone’s asses & like, leave or something because I don’t look cute in them or the jokes fall flat or I’m just a bitch LOL JK I’D NEVER DO THAT JESUS CHRIST WHAT KIND OF MONSTER DO YOU THINK I AM?!).

Anyways, I’m really excited & I can’t thank you enough for being a part of all this. Even if you couldn’t scrounge up a buck to contribute to the Kickstarter, the fact you’ve read this at all is truly appreciated. None of this would be possible without people reading my nonsense, so thank you eternally for that.

I made you a GIF to exemplify my feelings.

LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU #LOVEYOU
KISSES KISSES KISSES #KISSES

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS?!?!?
I DID IT! I FUCKING DID IT!
EVERYONE KNOWS I ONLY WEAR SHORTS!
IT’S LIKE, MY “THING”!
I HAVE A THING!!!

Of course, part of me is stoned & is wondering
if maybe it was less about AC & more about professionalism.
But if they think me wearing shorts is unprofessional,
they have a whole other thing coming
since the only pants I own
are sweats.

That’s just who I am, ya’all.
Just one extreme or the next;
Friendliest or cuntiest.
Hilariousest or annoyingest.
SHORTS OR SWEATS.

[Currently Listening 2 Gantez Warrior]

2009 was the best.

It marked the first season of East Bound & Down, the burgeoning independent music blog community, Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince hit theaters and “Sun Was High” was released, and we were all so excited because no one knew Best Coast was going to turn into a glaring embarrassment yet.

But most of all, you could download anything you wanted, from obscure 1960′s EPs to the Arcade Fire’s album that was six months from its release date.

Computer programs?
TV shows?
Movies?
Whatever!
It was all ours.

It was all mine.

Unfortunately, now all that is gone.
My computer crashed & I had only backed up 60% of my shit.

In 2009, I would have been like,
“No worries! I’ll just re-download it all!”

In 2012, I’m just like,
“WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!
WHY CAN’T I STEAL ANYTHING?!”

It’s a completely different world out there, you guys. I can’t just Google “70′s Afrofunk: The Revolution.zip” or “Final Draft 7 serial number” anymore. It’s horrible. My life is over. I will never be able to regain everything I took out of 2009. How am I to make summer mixes?! How am I to write my scripts?! Does the world expect me– some poor ass twenty-something who still occasionally has to suck-up her pride & get her parents to bail her out of shit & then feel like an awful Lena Dunham character– to actually pay for all the shit I used to steal?!

My world has nearly imploded!
It’s like 2008 all over again!

The only solace I can take from that is that 2013 will be another 2009, but fucking better. I will have finally cracked this Final Draft I stole & will have written the best fucking script & gotten hired on a fucking show & will never have to blog again! I will only do it for the sheer fucking fun of it! So fuck yeah! 2013! 2012 you can’t bring me down with your fucking crazy government sanctions on the internet! You’ll be sucking my dick, internet! You too, the government! YEEEEOWWWW!!!

Sorry guys.
I’m just trying to be positive here
/ have drank a lot of sauvignon blanc, ya’all.

Last year we started making Tangents & The Times: The Series. Unfortunately, we ran out of money & then a bunch of life shit happened & we were unable to finish our last four episodes. But we would like to finish the story and we can, with your help.

We started a Kickstarter to raise the money for our the final half of our little season. The $5300 will go partly to Kickstarter/Amazon because that is how they are a functioning business and the rest will be for our amazing DP, equipment rental, post production, small-scale craft services & a bang tamer for me, among other unexpected things that always happen during a shoot.

VISIT OUR KICKSTARTER HERE!

For the best example of what the $5300 will go to, please check out our first three episodes if you haven’t already. I’m really proud of the product we produced & am really excited to do another four.

EPISODE 1 – “MARISSA MAKES A DECISION” from S. Zissou Ross on Vimeo.

EPISODE 2 – “MARISSA ALIENATES HERSELF PER USUAL” from S. Zissou Ross on Vimeo.

EPISODE 3 – “MARISSA SQUANDERS THE LEAD” from S. Zissou Ross on Vimeo.

Thank you for watching, for reading & hopefully for helping us finish this shit.

All the best & lots of love,
Marissa

And you know what,
I was going to say
I didn’t “get” why
you left all that shit
in my fucking yard,
but I do.

I totally get it.

It’s because you’re a fucking asshole
& I hope with every ounce of my being
that you shit your pants last night.

Quite honestly, I don’t see how you could not shit your pants after washing down fifty Atomic Wings with shots of Taurine, followed by god knows how many Bud Lights. And I really hope it happened while you were like, grinding up on some Latina. And I hope she was disgusted by you & your shitty jeans filled with your disgusting, fat American shit, you thoughtless, selfish piece of fucking shit.

And just so you know, like, I don’t know you so this is just a polite observation but anyone that eats like you are is going to die of obesity & I don’t feel bad about it at all because anyone who orders that much Wing Stop & just throws it in some health conscious, vegetable loving, kind person– such as myself–’s yard with such cavalier, deserves to die from their terrible life choices.

Asshole Who Littered In My Yard, you may be thinking,
“Gee whiz, Miss! Those were for me & four of my bros!
We’re not going to die of obesity! That was a snack!”

But I’m here to tell you that,
statistically, if there were five of you,
eating Wing Stop out of a Corolla on the side of the road,
at least three of you are going to fucking die of obesity.

That’s not even me talking!
That’s like trustworthy institutions!
THAT IS SCIENCE & DOCTORS & HBO!

This is coming off kind of harsh.
Look, I don’t want you to die of obesity.
I just want you to shit your pants
& be nearly-suicidal-embarrassed over it.
& to please, kindly, stop littering.

Sincerely,
Marissa A. Ross

Volume I explores some of my favorite things that have been helping me get pumped up for June & beyond– my latest favorite pair “can’t live without” shorts, light teals & lighter wine, subtle tans & surf readings.

[click through for full view]

1. Wildfox Friday Night Shorts

I got these shorts for Coachella & they’ve been impossible to take off since! The color is a perfect light, pastel aqua that goes pristinely with peaches & nudes & tans. Plus, the fringe & the pocket are to die for. I don’t know about you, but I’ve ruined about a zillion tiny men’s Levi’s trying to pull off this same look & at this point, I’m just going to leave it to the professionals.

2. Agent18 Mint Chevron Case

Have you even seen Tumblr in the last year? Everything is zig zagged & mint. So why shouldn’t your phone look just as cute? Agent 18′s cases have been saving my life for almost a year now & I absolute love this one. It matches my whole life & I get a bazillion compliments on it. Not only is it super durable, but the case is still nice & slim so you can fit in your tiny back pockets.

3. Thomas Pynchon’s Inherent Vice

I’m reading this book right now & I love it. It’s about a private investigator stoner-surfer in Gordita Beach (nom de guerre of Pynchon’s actual residence, Manhattan Beach) during the end of the sixties. I’m only about half way through it, but it involves this whole real estate scandal & a bunch of details you can gather from its many detailed summaries from various internet retailers. What I’m here to say is I love it just for the way it’s written. I get high on its obscure & outdated beach slang. I love authors that write like they talk, or rather write from the environment of their characters since I’m pretty positive Pynchon’s other works don’t embody the vernacular of Inherent Vice‘s nearly burnt-out protagonist, Doc Sportello. I also die for Pynchon’s incredible grasp on the art of detail. He spares no adjectives; creating long, looping descriptions that mimic the book’s overall psychedelic & spontaneous nature.

4. Dr. Haushka Lavender Bath

Do you like painkillers? Me too. Do you have them readily available? Me neither. But fear not my friends! We have Dr. Haushka’s Lavender Bath oil. A couple drops of this in a hot tub is like eating half a 660 MG Vicodin, which we can agree is better than no Vicodin at all. And let me just say that before I got this stuff, I was not a “bath person”. In fact, I despised baths & was generally disgusted by the idea of hanging out in my own filth sans jets (because for some reason, jacuzzis on the other hand have always been widely accepted & loved in my life). But Dr. Haushka has changed my life, and for the better. Now I love getting my soak on & listening to music & trying to figure out my summer goals in a cheap notebook.

5. Hawaiian Tropic Island Radiance Tanning Créme

My motto is, summer only ends if you let it. And a very important part of staying summery, is staying even just a little bit tan. Gotta keep that color! This is my absolute favorite self-tanner. It smells awesome & I’ve never had a problem with streaking. The only problem I’m having is finding this stuff. This season my Rite Aid doesn’t have it & I’m beyond pissed.

6. Opala Vinho Verde

This wine is so delicious! It’s super light with just a hint of sparkle, perfect for sunny afternoons spent on blankets in the grass or on your couch with the AC blasting. Either way. I like it all ways actually. You can get it for $8 at Whole Foods.

7. Herschel Pop Quiz Backpack

Guhhh, I don’t have this but I want it so bad so I can tote around all the stuff I have mentioned in this post, plus a bikini & my laptop (you can never be too prepared).

8. White Fence (Tim Presley)

White Fence is capable of quenching any taste you’re thirsty for. With the finest mix of garage, punk & retro influences Tim Presley has put together what is quite possibly one of the best independent bands of our time. I’ve said this probably eight hundred times & I’m sure there are some of you who are like “Get the off this dude’s dick” but here’s the thing, as long as White Fence puts out amazing albums (which they have three of just this year alone), I’m going to be riding the fuck out of them.

9. Stila Silk Shimmer Gloss

Ah! This lip gloss is superb. I’m the kind of person who applies lip gloss every seven to ten minutes so I need something that looks pretty & won’t dry out my lips. This Stila gloss doesn’t lie– it’s mad silky. It makes my lips feel like I could make out forever, which is not really something I have the opportunity to do ever, but I like knowing that under the right set of circumstances, I could fucking kill it.

And then don’t forget…
Iced coffees, patios of all sizes, big floral pillows, cab rides, Apples to Apples, slumber parties, Cruel Intentions, pouring too much tequila & soft white sheets.

What’s been getting you excited for summer?

It fucking pisses me off because
sure, I drink a lot of wine but
no one is addressing the real problem!

That I may be
a Snackaholic.

Here’s the thing:
I don’t binge drink.
But I binge snack ALL THE TIME.
AND I DEFINITELY DO IT WHEN I’M SAD.
AND YET EVERYONE’S SOOOOO CONCERNED
WITH MY TOTALLY NORMAL WINE CONSUMPTION
WHEN THAT IS JUST LIKE, ME HAVING SO MUCH FUN.

Am I calling out for help? No. Fuck no. I love snacking. You can fuck yourself if you think you can tell me anything about these leftovers or this block of cheese or this trail mix that I don’t know how it ended up in my house. But whatever, fuck that guy. It’s open, it’s in my house, it’s salty. I’m going to eat it.

And that, by the way, is a very serious rule of being my friend. If you are my friend, you are basically agreeing to 87 pages of an Apple agreement you’ll never read that states that I am by law allowed to eat any of your snacks, in either of our respective homes, per the following:

1. I am allowed to eat any snack in your home that is open.
2. I am allowed to open & eat any snack in your home only if I am stoned, drunk or starving because I am not logical enough in those conditions to be polite & as my friend you have to accept that I only make terrible, selfish decisions when I am drunk/stoned/starving. I can’t help it & you love me anyway.
3. I am allowed to open & eat any snack you leave in my home cause you know I love snacks & you shouldn’t leave your snacks in my home if you don’t want them eaten!

The above rules also apply to wine, whiskey, tequila & all colored rums.
Even vermouth or brandy from Christmas on a bad day.
And vodka, any day.

UMMMMM WE’RE FRIENDS, AREN’T WE?!
OKAY THEN, STOP CALLING YOURSELF”AN ENABLER”.
THAT’S A REALLY UGLY WORD FOR “SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME A LOT”.
JUST PLEASE PASS ME THE SPICY CHEEZ-ITZ
& POUR ME A GLASS OF WHATEVER.
Love you too. ♥ ♥ ♥

[Currently Listening 2 Terri O'Mason, "Cupcakes"]

Download: 365-Days-Project-07-14-omason-terry-cupcake-introduction-cup-cakes-1960.mp3

I bet you thought I wasn’t the type, but I am. My soul is most definitely for sale. It has been for awhile but I guess when the economy crashed, so did the market for souls. I mean, I can barely give this shit away, which is ridiculous considering what good shape my soul is in. My soul is definitely you know, “used”, but still in great condition. I’ve spent a lot of my life working on myself; trying to be calm, caring & conscientious person. I have an OK work ethic & a pretty damn good attitude. I haven’t been worn down by the weight of the world or rubbed raw by being slammed by the dick of life. AND I’ve never broken the law in any ways that would hurt anyone! I’m not trying to scam anyone here! It’s a perfectly good fucking soul, man!

And I’d give it up for a fair price.
Hell, catch me this week or drunk anytime,
& I may even give it to you at a low, low introductory rate.

I’m also willing to talk financing.
Just no layaway cause this shit ain’t K-Mart at Christmas.
If I had to compare my soul selling to anything,
it’d be more like, Nordstrom Rack.
Reasonable prices for high quality goods
that are probably like, two seasons out of fashion.

I’m also cool with bartering.

Things I will accept in exchange for my (1) soul:
• Fame
• Fortune
• Huge fake tits so I can just go get my own fame & fortune since I won’t have a soul anymore to give a fucking shit about being a fucking piece of shit
• That billboard outside my bungalow to just fucking explode so I never have to look at Dwayne Johnson or Owen Wilson or those suckers who drink Bushmills while trying to enjoy a sunny afternoon or get in my fucking shower EVER AGAIN

Anyway, if you know of anyone who’s in the soul business,
make sure to give them the good word
on this super hot, exclusive soul tip I just gave you!