Tangents & The Times

“So, where are you from?”

“So, do you like burritos?”

“So, do you like pizza?”

“So, do you like sweatpants?”

“Do you like Law & Order: SVU? Do you like watching nine hours of it in a row on a perfectly sunny Saturday afternoon?”

“How do you feel about hanging out mostly naked on the couch with me while I image search ‘thermal water’, ‘glacier runoff’ & ‘vintage pool pornography’ for a couple hours?… God no, the porn is not for us, it’s for my personal time. [mumbles] Weirdo…”

“What kind of work do you do? Any editing? I like my sexual partners to proof read my Tweets before I send them.”

“Do you have any pets?… Oh, good, because my dog needs to be the center of your universe. Well, I mean, I’LL need to be the center of your universe– and that still won’t be enough but whatever– anyway, my dog needs to be like, your moon… No, I promise, he makes it really easy because he is so cute & sleeps so much. You just have to walk him for me like eight times a week, no biggie.”

“How traditional are you? I really like my men to open doors & pay for all eight of my rounds. But then like, be cool with me listening to Destiny’s Child’s ‘Independent Women Part One’ every morning before work.”

“Do you have any substance abuse problems? Because I can’t date someone who is too much like me, you know?”

“How do you feel about like, medium to possibly, POSSIBLY, Sambal Oelek hot erotic asphyxiation? I just really need someone who will choke me out & lovingly tell me I’m a dumb whore if I do something like, scratch off one of your moles… I know, I’m being really specific here but hey, we only have five minutes to find true love, guy.”

“Do you like what I’m wearing?… No, I’m not going to the fucking beach after this, ugh, I can’t date anyone who won’t let me spend 95% of my time with my ass hanging out of my shorts. Sorry. Like, that’s just a life decision I made a long time ago & I refuse to change for anyone… Anyone meaning everyone except like heterosexual George Clooney, or perhaps James Franco’s little brother. Maybe Drake. IDK I feel like his suits would make me want to class it up… Whatever, you’re not Drake so those circumstances don’t apply to you, now do they? As far as you’re concerned, I’m going to be wearing this crop top & these bright red coochie cutters until I die.”

“I’M NOT A SLUT! I HAVE CUT-OFFS & OPINIONS!”

“UH YEAH, BEING CALLED A DUMB WHORE IN BED IS DIFFERENT THAN BEING CALLED A SLUT AT SPEED DATING, IT’S ALL ABOUT INFLECTION!”

“WHATEVER! I DIDN’T LIKE YOU ANYWAY, SHIA LABARF!”