Okay, so I doubt you will even believe this,
but the truth of the matter is
I’m probably one of the
wisest & most mature people you know.
Yeah, okay, I know you’re like blinded by the illusion of the internet but for real, I am such an adult. Despite what may turn out to be late onset alcoholism & my occasional bong rips, I am really quite grown up! I take care of myself, my son Zissou & my brother Burlioz (who may or may not fucking eat me– see how brave & levelheaded I am?!). I have a very happy & healthy relationship. I have a cool job that I’m awesome at. I work my ass off pursuing my passions in my spare time. I write really insightful articles for Hello Giggles & I am the pillar of strength in my family & I love mango salsa. I am a fucking adult.
Except when it comes to sex scenes.
Like, why can’t I get it together & not feel like a second grader when two people start boning on screen? I feel so awkward on the inside, like, “Oh god, why am I watching this? I shouldn’t be watching this. This is a private moment that is to be shared between two people… oh god, they’re like fifty. Jesus Christ, PLEASE STOP HAVING AGGRESSIVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE, WALTER WHITE!”
I can say with all honesty that
the only thing that bummed me out more
than watching Up with my grandma,
was watching that horrible sex scene on the stairs
from A History Of Violence with my mom.
I’m twenty-five years old,
going on twenty-six here real quick!
And yet, I just cannot comfortably watch sex scenes.
It all just reminds me of sixth grade.
I was kicked out of sex education.
Yep, during the video,
you know, THE VIDEO,
the one with the penis becoming errect?
Yeah, I burst out into uncontrollable laughter,
which was completely against the sex-ed rules
& I had to sit on the wall outside for the rest of the lesson.
Keep in mind at this point in my life
I was a goody-two-shoes with a bad perm
& a nose six sizes larger than the circumference of my face.
I was not in any position to be getting kicked out of sex-ed.
And that is how I feel during every sex scene ever! Like I should be kicked out for not being an adult about it! Did sixth grade sex-ed ruin my life?! Will I ever be able to watch two fictional characters bone?! Will I even be able to watch Drive?! WILL I ALWAYS BE SITTING ON THE METAPHORICAL WALL OF LIFE STARING DOWN AT MY BEAT-UP SKETCHERS FULL OF SHAME?!
But I mean, I’m okay with it.
I have a system that works pretty well
& it’s called “going to the bathroom until it’s over”.
[Currently Listening 2 Teenhäze]