Tangents & The Times

Dear Klout,

Thank you for trying to help me feel important on the internet. I have earned my score of 58, I guess? I don’t really know. I have really no idea how exactly you came up with that number or how you know how many people I truly reach, because to be honest, I think it’s bogus. I think that Klout doesn’t know what the fuck its talking about. I have come to this conclusion based upon serious evidence.

I bring you, EVIDENCE:

You claim that I am influential about the following topics:

1. Mercury
2. YouTube
3. The Philadelphia Eagles
4. Beer
5. Music
6. Cars
7. Anxiety
8. Government
9. Typography
10. Photography

I know, I had one really successful tweet once about Mercury. Once. So, I guess that’s okay? I never talk about YouTube because I think it’s a piece of shit for the most part and I can say with certainty, the kind of certainty that is like “I swear on my son’s life” kind of certainty, I know jack shit about football, let alone the Philadelphia Eagles. Where could you have possibly gotten that?! Is that a sponsored result?! Are you trying to trick me into giving a shit about football?!

And government?! Really?! I’m the last person anyone should come to about government matters, or typography or cars for that matter.

What kind of ridiculous egotripping ponzi scheme is this shit?!

Sure, I drink beer sometimes, but still wouldn’t say I’m influential about it.

The only things you got right are music and anxiety. That’s it.

If those are the only things you can correctly assess that I’m actually influential about, how the fuck am I supposed to take this scoring seriously? In fact, this makes me think you guys are seriously wrong and I am not a 58. I am actually a ONE THOUSAND AND FOURTEEN IF YOU ACTUALLY KNEW WHAT THINGS I AM A HUGE INFLUENCER OF.

I am an actual influencer of the following topics, in no particular order:

• Wine
• Beach music
• Summer
• Egomania
• Embarrassing yourself
• Embarrassing those around you
• Yelling “KELLY SLAAAAAATE!!!”
• How to ingest marijuana without baking
• Cute pets
• Dudefriends
• CHILLIN’
• Procrastinating
• LOUNGIN’
• Intermediate HTML/Final Cut Pro
• Television shows available on Netflix [Watch Instantly]

There you go. I even gave you five extra ones,
you know, cause I know I personally like having options.

I’m just like, how can I trust you– HOW CAN THE WORLD TRUST YOU– when you’re going around saying I’m basically your average upper-middle-class American man? Football, beer and cars? You should be ashamed of yourself, parading around like you’re some authority on internet influence.

I hope you find a better aggregator/generator/team of people over seas to calculate your data, Klout. Until then, I will keep holding myself to my own insane standards and remember I am just a tiny speck in the cosmic dust of time/THE QUEEN OF THE MILDLY SUCCESSFUL BLOGS ABOUT NOTHING.

Cordially,
Marissa A. Ross

[Currently Listening 2 Shannon & The Clams]