Tangents & The Times

OK, let me start by saying,
I’m not trying to play anyone here.
My dog hates baths the absolute most.

But after that, he hates
1. Me being on my laptop.
2. Me using my Panasonic Panabrator II.

I don’t know what anyone else uses a Panabrator for,
but since I won mine– packaged, mind you –
with all my “good student bucks”, or stars or whatever,
in my sixth grade end-of-the-year silent auction,
I’ve used it for getting off.
And I purposefully bid on it
for that exact reason.

This kid, Adoni, yeah, he kept bidding against me because… fuck if I know.
All I knew at the time, was every time he outbid me I was like,
“THERE IS NO WAY YOU WANT THIS ‘BACK MASSAGER’,
FOR THE REASON I WANT THIS ‘BACK MASSAGER’.
WE WENT THROUGH SEX-ED TOGETHER,
SO GET OFF MY SHIT BRO.”

I didn’t go into it thinking,
“Oh, my back could really use this!”
Sixth graders don’t have back problems.
THEY DON’T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS.
MATH IS THEIR ONLY PROBLEM.

Math is still one of my problems,
but whatever, beside the point.

I was a totally self-aware & self-exploring twelve year old that saw an opportunity & was like, “DAMN, I COULD TOTALLY JERK OFF WITH THAT!!!”

And I did!!

And I do!!!

I mean, don’t get me wrong. A good friend bought me a Rabbit after my first break-up but it just doesn’t do the trick like the Panabrator.

And Zissou HAAATTTEEESSS it!!!

Every time I go to have some “me” time,
AKA “after shower, after hairdry, before dressed” time,
he saunters in, no matter where he was–
he could be ANYWHERE in the house,
and much like when he hears the fridge open–
when the Panabrator turns on,
the dog turns up.

Except at the fridge he is like,
“GREAT IDEA MOM! GIMME SOME CHEESE!”

And when he comes into my bedroom he’s like,
“OH GOD MOM, REALLY?!
GOD YOU’RE SUCH A SELFISH PERVERT!”
[oh-too-familiar-teenage-eye-roll]
And then he walks away.

IT’S LIKE HE’S TRYING TO RUIN IT!
HE’S TRYING TO RUIN MY VIBE-VIBES!

I mean, I’m kinda used to it by now.
I still usually make do… due?
Which is it? I don’t remember?
Been giving white wine a chance for like two hours.

But still!
It sucks!
It’s like I never got caught masturbating by my parents,
but I think having my dog disillusioned by my masturbating daily,
MAY BE– CUMULATIVELY– JUST AS HUMILIATING.

Parents expect kids to jerk off.
I just don’t know if pets do.

Maybe some of them do!
But not Zissou.
He is continuously like,
“MOM, YOU ARE DISGRACEFUL.”

Can’t decide if I’m a bad pet owner or not.
Just let my declawed cat out into the courtyard
for some supervised outside time,
SO I GUESS WE’LL FIND OUT! LOL!

[Currently Listening 2 Triptides via Beachtapes]

PS. OMG, TRYING TO FIND AN IMAGE FOR THIS THING,
YEAH, APPARENTLY IT’S LABELED “VINTAGE”.
I USE A VINTAGE VIBRATOR GUYS.
DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS YET.
PROBABLY WILL WRITE A TUMBLR ABOUT IT.