Once upon a time, receiving a call from my father or an email from one of my aunts regarding my life on the internet was a sign that exile was imminent, or at the very least, that I was better off not to ask for money from my parents for awhile. Of course, this was usually deserving since as far as I can remember– yes, even before I was drinking wine at 3:27pm on a Monday afternoon– I was putting shit on the internet. That “shit” being the same shit it is now, mostly just pictures of me with marijuana paraphernalia and me saying horrible things that no one I was related to ever wanted to ever read or be associated with because it was downright offensive to society or disrespectful to my family because I was an angry, oozing bag of hormones for longer than any one girl should ever have to be.
Last week, I got a call from my father
who suddenly knows how to use the internet.
He went on a “tangent” about how he wrote “a tangent” in response to my tangent about Jap-Attacking. He went on to retell this tangent that apparently got eaten by the internet as some point, but that basically he doesn’t randomly Jap-Attack. His Jap-Attacks are actually well thought out & executed based upon what sales are going on at the local grocery stores.
Not going to lie,
it was pretty good.
He then went on to talk about my bush tangent,
and about how all my aunts loved my bush tangent.
I don’t know what kind of families you grew up in,
but my father has never, EVER talked about my bush
(or lackthereof cause I’m stayin’ mysterious on this shit).
And this was really, really weird to me.
It was also really strange to hear my aunts enjoyed it, since for the most part– in terms of my internet lifestyle– I’ve only really succeeding in pissing them off. There’s six of them. And if there is anything this life has taught me, it’s that pissing off a fucking army of tight-knit Italian ladies is about the worst thing you can do, especially if you’re related to them. Anyway, so, yeah, to hear they came to my blog and didn’t want to murder me for soiling our good name was quite a relief considering my knee jerk reaction is to go into hiding until Christmas.
He then went on to say his business partner called him & was like, “OH-MY-GOD YOUR DAUGHTER IS WRITING THESE HORRIBLE THINGS ON THE INTERNET! SHE’S WRITING ABOUT SEX & CONDOMS!” to which my dad responded with, “Yes, but it’s really funny if you just forget it’s Marissa!”
“You know,” he said, “It’s really just about knowing it’s all based on fiction.”
HA. YES, DAD.
LUV UR STYLE.
#denialischill
He goes on about how much material he’s giving me for my tangents,
because yes, I get my ego directly from my father,
and then goes on to say,
“The whole town loves Tangents!”
I’m like, “Yeah, sure, Dad. Love you too.”
This afternoon, I call my financial advisor.
After the initial “Hello”s, I am greeted with,
“Oh, you have a new follower in my daughter!”
And I’m like, “WHAT?”
The rest of the conversation, whilst discussing my long term gains I need to file, was spotted with plenty of “Oh, but you’re hilarious!”s and “Don’t worry, your tenacity and talent will pay off soon enough!”s and “Don’t forget to call me when you’re ready to make some new investments!”s.
All of which, I am eternally grateful for.
I can’t thank my family & family friends
enough for accepting me for who I am.
Truly, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
But for the rest of you,
riddle me this…
HOW THE FUCK AM I TO CONTINUE CURSING AND TALKING ABOUT MY MASTURBATING HABITS WITH STRANGERS KNOWING EVERYONE MY PARENTS KNOW IS TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT AT THE SUPERMARKET?!?! PEOPLE ARE TALKING TO MY DAD ABOUT MY PUBIC HAIR!!! GRANTED, I KNOW, I GET IT, I PUT IT ON THE INTERNET BUT WHO THOUGHT THOSE PEOPLE WOULD GOOGLE ME?!
Okay, wait, I can answer the latter.
Everyone knew I had Star Power.
So, duh they’re Googling me.
BUT HOW THE FUCK AM I TO CONTINUE CURSING AND TALKING ABOUT MY MASTURBATING HABITS WITH STRANGERS KNOWING EVERYONE MY PARENTS KNOW IS TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT AT THE SUPERMARKET?!?!
[Currently Listening 2 Birds & Shit, Kinda... OK a lot, Like This.]
Hey, at least you haven’t told them about the time the two of us had that pregnancy scare, when you were doing liquid meth in a dirty alleyway in Mexico.
/Just kidding, Marissa’s dad!
/or am I?!?!?!
I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS BLOG!! You make me laugh so hard I cry!
Aw, wow, thank you so much! That means the world to me, glad you’re enjoying it. xoox
The parental units watchful eye! The eternal internet problem. My favorite blog post was the one where I wrote “Dad, stop reading now” and he commented “Too late”.