The other day I was talking with my writing partner and we got on the subject of Valentine’s Day. I was like, “I don’t really care about Valentine’s Day but since I have a Dudefriend, it’s kind of fun to be romantic even if it’s stupid. I like a lot of stupid things, like Snuggies and diamonds. So, whatever.”
My writing partner is then like,
“Yeah, you know I like being romantic.
You know, pick a girl up from work,
take her to lunch, have a quick bang,
take her back to work an hour late…”
& I was like, “WHAT?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TUESDAY.
OR THE PLOT OF THAT NEW ASHTON KUTCHER MOVIE.
NOT VALENTINE’S DAY (NOT THE ASHTON KUTCHER MOVIE).”
Yo, men, let me do you a favor real quick.
PRO TIP: LUNCH IS WHAT FRIENDS DO.
Like for real, think about it.
You take girls you haven’t had sex with yet to lunch.
It’s a “safe date” or something you do with your co-workers.
I mean, okay, hold on.
I mean, lunch IS cool.
Take me to lunch all the time!
On Tuesdays and shit.
But don’t tell me taking me to lunch & banging me real quick is fucking romantic, okay? I mean, sure, it may be KIND OF romantic but like, IDK. If we’ve been dating long enough to be “romantic”, I expect something more than Panera Bread & some awkward rendition of reverse cowgirl in the tiny backseat of your Volkswagon. That shit is mad cumbersome! And there ain’t no candlelight!
Not that I need candlelight for romance,
just enough leg-room to get my spread eagle on.
HA! JK! If there is anything the internet should know about me,
it’s that I have mad short hamstrings. #myexcuse4everything
[Currently Listening 2 Dirty Beaches]
“i try to fuck them in some place very uncomfortable.”
“what? like in the back of volkswagen?”
I read this and was like “Holla”.
Then got to the end and saw that you’ve been listening to my mate Alex’s music. You’ve just become THAT much cooler in my head
Awww, haha yay! Well tell Alex his music is dope on my behalf. Thanks for the kind words, see ya in the blogosphere! xo