Tangents & The Times

It doesn’t happen very often, which is probably why I’m so awkward when it does, but, I really hate running into people I used to date.

You know, like,
those people that aren’t exes
& you didn’t have sex with them,
they’re just like people you thought were genuinely good, fun people…
until they randomly drop you & you’re like, WHATEVER.

You don’t think about it, you don’t harbor any resentment & you don’t have any desire. It just is what it is & the sands of time cover that shit with a bunch of other shit & you forget about shit.

You forget about it until years later,
when that shit walks into your friend’s Halloween party
with their super model killer babe of a GF
& you look like Pioneer Mario.

And I mean, it has nothing to do with being interested in this person
or desiring this person or anything like that really.
It has to do with the fact that
they fucked you over
& you’re in man pants
& a mustache that could have been cut off the bro
shining shoes out the back of his van on Sunset.

And yes, I wore that costume because it was “fun” & “comfortable” & “it’s cute” because I’m Lewis & Clark but no one fucking knows you’re Lewis & Clark while Clark is outside chain smoking the entire night. You’re a colonial plumber of the opposite sex. That’s what you are. And no one wants to be that when some asshole who screwed you over walks through the door. That’s just science.

So, then there is like this weirdness in the room. You realize that this weirdness may just be in your head, and that your barbell mustache you had to cut into Mariachi size because your upper lip is too small, may actually be disguising you, but still you feel like there is this weirdness in the air. Like, if you recognized them in full face paint, they probably recognized you with your hair up in a coon hat & a patch of someone else’s hair on your face. And if they did recognize you like you recognized them & neither one of you will acknowledge it, then you both feel this weirdness & it’s like WHY DO WE FEEL WEIRD?! We shouldn’t! It’s just like this uneasiness of “UGH, WHY DO WE SUDDENLY HAVE MUTUAL FRIENDS?!” even though you’re not really upset. Like, this person doesn’t plague you, you just wish they weren’t in the same room as you,
just like why can’t they go back to 2007 & just stay there?
Even though it’s not like a big deal but still, it’s just weird.

& It’s because you know.

You know if you do make eye contact with this person,
you will have only one of two options:

1. End up in some fake smiled, forced small talk about his amazing career/your failing one, his dead bride or whatever she was/your Clark because you’re not actually a fictional video game character, & a bunch of other shit neither one of you actually cares about because you made out a couple times three years ago.

2. Make a non-verbal agreement to ignore one another for the rest of the night, and subsequently, for the rest of your lives. And that’s what happens. Once you & someone enter a pact to pretend the other never existed, that sets the precedent and you must act accordingly until someone unwittingly introduces you guys, in which case, you may or may not want to simply recognize that “Oh, yes, we’ve met once before” or be a huge douche bag & shake hands with a “Nice to meet you”. Either way, you both know, you’re both assholes.

I find both to be equally cumbersome,
so I just drank a lot of wine & said fuuuck that noise!
SOMEONE TAKE SOME PICTURES OF ME!
ITSAA MEEEE, PIONEER MARIO!

That’s literally a picture of me saying, “ITSAA MEEEE, PIONEER MARIO!”

Which in hindsight, was maybe not the best of ideas considering people now probably have entire albums of me looking like this, which is really sad for them.

[Currently Listening 2 The Black Apples]