Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of lady bushes, mostly on Tumblr because that is where people go to post pictures without context & occasionally, full frontal nudity. Now, not to get too personal with my hygienic habits but I personally do not subscribe to the bush. It’s just something I quit and now, nearly ten years later, I’m dating this dude that is really super into “nature” & “vintagey shit” & “babes” which, after being bombarded with all the 1970′s wild women imagery got me thinking, like, should I have a bush?
Like, does he secretly wish I had one,
but never says anything because
that’s something that would be, kind of awkward to say to someone
who’s never even remotely showed signs of even having pubic hair
as long as you’ve known her?
Like, if he had said something, I probably would have been like
WHOAWHOAWHOA I WANT NO PART OF UR ROCKY MTN HIGH REGIME!
But now, now that I see basically all our guy friends are huge fans of the bush,
it has really made me question my life decisions.
So last night, over our stir fry,
I was like, “Hey, would you prefer if I had a bush?”
And he looked at me kinda like he was saying, “UMMMM…”
And I was like, “Cause if you want me to grow a bush, we can talk about it.”
He then explained that he really didn’t care either way because, basically, we don’t have a stream in our backyard, let alone a backyard to have a stream in. But if we did have a lot of land & a stream, he’d probably want a bush cause we’d probably be like running around naked a lot and you know, you need a little coverage. That made sense to me and I then finished my dinner with the comfort of knowing he did not secretly resent my pruning practices.
But then he starts talking about buying land in Montana
& like, going & being all fucking wilderness-y & I’m like,
YOU DO WANT A BUSH! YOU DO! YOU WANT TO GET ME INTO A BIG FIELD IN THE COUNTRY, WITH ME & MY BUSH! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! YOU JUST DON’T CARE NOW BECAUSE I’M ALWAYS CLOTHED BUT IDEALLY,
I’D BE NAKED IN SOME FOREST!
WITH A BUSH!
Keep in mind, being a woman, I made all that up in my head but totally believed it because, being a woman, I know everything about everything & everyone.
But then I started drin…thinking. Like, really thinking about how it would be actually kind of cool if Dudefriend just bought a bunch of land in Montana & I got to live there & just like, drink whisky & write & like, clean house all day. That’d be cool. I’d have like, grass & pet deer. And I mean, if we were just like way out in nature doing our thing, I probably would just cruise around naked because, what’s the point of not? If you can go like, skinny dipping at your leisure because your dudefriend is mad rich & bought a commune or some bullshit in the sticks, then, yeah, you know in that situation, the bush makes sense
because I would need protection against the elements.
Montana has four seasons, you know.
But like, look at this broad,
I could be that broad. Me & her have a lot in common, it’s just I usually do that with my clothes on because I am not much of a free spirit but I can work on that. I can work on being free spirited & naked if Dudefriend buys us a ranch!
I don’t know guys, I’m just tiring of my “suburban girl in the city” thing.
Maybe a bush would be good for me, you know, cultivate some moral fibers.
Maybe I’d grow a free spirit & write beautiful novels about nature & love,
instead of scheming ways to get prescriptions without health insurance
& writing fractions of thoughts in one hundred & forty characters.
TOO BAD ONLY THE FUTURE & MY VAGINA WILL EVER KNOW!!!
Canned Heat: Goin’ Up Country.
Check out my favorite Tumblr, Jemez Mountain Hawks,
it’s honestly embarrassing how much self-restraint I have to use
not to reblog everything my bro Dameon posts.