Tangents & The Times

I’ve learned a lot while here in Illinois (especially while reading Rockford Woman this morning) and I have a mini-series worth of Midwestern tangents I will hopefully be rolling out over a two-week special blog event, granted I stay passionate about technologically retarded Elderly Americans at weddings & the like, which I don’t know how I couldn’t because I seriously wanted to kill this grandma at the wedding we were at. Like, honestly, don’t bring a fucking camera to a wedding that makes three beeps while you focus and then, like, fucking honks when you actually take the picture. I mean, maybe she didn’t know her digital camera doubled as a prop from The Mask and then maybe one, ONE of these disruptive audio sequences would have been understandable but to continue throughout the entire ceremony with that shit, playing like the Roger Rabbit OST is just unacceptable. It’s like we’re in this beautiful church listening to some god jibberish & it’s soooo quiet aside from the sparkles in everyone’s eyes as these two barely graduated college kids dedicate the rest of each other’s lives to one another & there you are, just honnnkin’ it up.
SO RUDE.
IT’S LIKE DON’T USE THE CAM
IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
LIKE TURNING OFF THE SOUND, YOU DEAF OLD SEQUINED DUFFER.

OK, that was mean.
I shouldn’t talk about old people in caps like that.
She can’t help she’s like ninety & she hasn’t broken her hips yet.
And she seriously must have been deaf, which is sad.
Deaf or BORN IN A FUCKING BARN,
which is entirely possible considering all the barns I’ve seen out here.

My point is technology should only be allowed for those young enough to just get it or those with enough eyesight to still read the user manuals. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all & the only people who would disagree are the stubborn assholes who refuse to read user manuals because they can’t accept they’re fucking old.

AHEM.
ANNYYYWAYYY, all in all,
I had a great time out here
& am kinda bummed to head back to Los Angeles.
I mean, sure, old people are really annoying & old sometimes
but apple orchards & home cooked meals & open bars are all awesome.

[Currently Listening 2 Van Morrison, but god forbid there be a single video of that shit on the internet that isn't some dumb ass parental photo montage of brown eyed five year olds or jackasses that think cause they own an acoustic guitar they should be making videos for the entire world to laugh at.]