In case you didn’t catch it in the address, I want you to know you’re an asshole. Do you know how often I pay attention to the condoms I’m pulling out of my desk drawer? Never. I never have to because up until now I trusted you guys to just give me a Ribbed 4 Her or maybe if fate felt like getting really frisky, one of those neon green ones. I could always just grab & go. Until I grabbed & go’d straight into what could have been confused for a raging yeast infection, burning up my crotch like an acid dipped Jonas Brother. Seriously, I’ve never had an STD but I have to say that if I had to guess, that must be what they feel like. Like you just raw dogged a fucking stick of IcyHot. This is how your complimentary Fire & Ice condoms made me feel. Like a disgusting whore who had vaginal black plague. This is the last thing I want to feel like when I’m in a completely monogamous relationship with someone I love. I want to feel good about myself, not like I just boned nine dudes in an AM PM parking lot for six dollars and half a crack rock.
I’m sure you had some sort of “FREE FIRE & ICE CONDOMS!” on the outside of the box but I don’t pay attention to those things. I (or Dudefriend, I can’t take credit for all this since he is the breadwinner when it comes to protection in this venture) dump them in my drawer and whatever, then I eventually use them all and do it all over again. But let me tell you, these are not the kind of things to just spring on people, alright? Not everyone spent their later college years getting kicks rubbing shit out with Tiger Balm. Some of us like the relief of Bengay for muscle and joint pain and not for paralyzing our fucking genitalia, okay? Like, I’m not a prude or anything and I mean, I get you’re trying to get ur branch on but like, next time just give me a promotional bottle of Cholula with some instructions like “Yo, if you want to know what our Fire & Ice condoms will do for your sex life, dump this on your dick.” At least then I wouldn’t be out of Cholula right now.
Just sayin’.
Love your loyal customer,
Marissa
Kinda like KY’s “Warming Sensation” Lube. Like WHY would I want a warm sensation situation going on down there…EVER?!? I want to meet the idiots who come up with this shit.
xx Lolita
yeah dude i do not get it. someone yesterday was like “those are made for older women” and i’m like I STILL DON’T GET IT.
maybe we gotta get grown first?
maybe wisdom comes with time?
Yeah maybe when you’re grown you lose it all so you basically have to lit it on fire to feel like anything…..damn I don’t wanna grow up!
xx Lolita
Seeing as howz you and teh Dudefriend are like moved in and all, you should just get on The Pill already and make life easier for all concerned parties!
greg, why do you want me to get fat? that is fucked for all concerned parties.
The Pill doesn’t make you fat, it increases your hunger and the initial gain wouldn’t be more than 5lbs. There are other contraceptives out there as well.
Well, obviously there’s other contraceptives– this post is about using them. And accidently getting them mixed up with Fire & Ice contraceptives.
ey bish, long timer.
amazing write up, this made me LOL and nearly pee my pants, but hey, no yeasties. haha, thanx miss ross.
your old gal pal,
b
GIRL. girl!
we should catch it up sometime!
& thank you, so much!
Holy crap! I found someone with the same thoughts as me!
I was looking forward to hooking up with my ex boyfriend (we decided we were getting back together) for weeks. His parents were going out of town and we planned to buy a huge box of condoms and go at it. We get to the store and we’re looking at condoms and he says “I heard these Fire & Ice ones are awesome” I said “Uhh….sure?” I thought maybe He would get fire, I would get ice? Who knows, but I agreed. We get back to his place, I went to put the condom on with my mouth and INSTANT TURN OFF! My mouth burned the entire time, and as soon as we started to get into it I was on FIRE! Lets just say, we didnt end up back together and he took me home shortly after.
(This makes me sound like a whore, I promise I’m not!)
you will never be a whore in my eyes, girl. <3 glad we can commiserate on how fucking stupid those things are. they ruin everything!!!
Omg I experienced the same thing. The fire & ice ones felt horrible! Oh the burn!!! Then when we tried to use another kind from the same variety pack the latex smell was so strong my bf got sick to his stomach. Never buying the variety pack again!
I am always against the use of condoms!!!
And they smell soooo bad!
UGH! THAT GOES WITHOUT SAYING! although, not to self promote, but i did write an entire tangent about that.
okay, yes to self promote:
http://tangentsandthetimes.com/2011/01/15/a-tangent-about-the-smell-of-hot-rubber/
thanks for visiting, & hopefully enjoying! oxox
Yup pretty fucking lame… I co own a funky little sex shop, and we refuse to carry any of that warming/cooling shite. I have so many customers coming in telling me they went to the drugstore and grabbed some “warming” stuff only to totally get burned.. in more ways than one. My tip.. always, always talk to your friendly neighborhood sex shop folk to give you the lowdown, and if you don’t have a friendly neighborhood sex shop just contact me, and I’ll do my best to get you sorted. peace.
This might have been the funniest thing I have read all year, which could either say horrible things about what I have been reading or be a very nice compliment to you. Fortunately, it is a very nice compliment to you. Thanks for the laugh. :]
Aw thank you so much, that means the world to me!
the day trojan came out with a vibrator is the day i realized trojan is perhaps my greatest foe. they’re gonna make my sex experience less than it could/should be by creating a tiny little barrier that is impermeable to love, only to turn the knife by coming out with a vibrator that has all the bells & whistles…actually…i’ll bet that vibrator blows, too. God, I hope so.
Oh my God, I’m so glad I’m not the only one who has felt this way about the “warming” lubes and condoms. When I think “warm” I think fuzzy, happy, increase libido thoughts, not “OMG why am I on FIRE down there??!! Get out, get out, get out!!”
Okay, so my bf and i just tried the Fire and Ice condoms..my first time, his second. I gotta say, I wanna shoot the mofo who invented that shit. I’m still burning from it. I literally jumped up in the middle of it, and ran for the shower. He felt a “warm” feeling, but that was it. Fucking STUPID. I did the same thing, reached in my condom stash, grabbed one, and couldnt see what it was (I have a black light in the bedroom, and the shiney packs arnt very readable), slipped it on, and yeah…the rest is burning history. Definetly felt like something was wrong. I imagine thats what people with Shyphillis feel, or something. My vag will never forget that god awful feeling. x.x
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