In case you didn’t catch it in the address, I want you to know you’re an asshole. Do you know how often I pay attention to the condoms I’m pulling out of my desk drawer? Never. I never have to because up until now I trusted you guys to just give me a Ribbed 4 Her or maybe if fate felt like getting really frisky, one of those neon green ones. I could always just grab & go. Until I grabbed & go’d straight into what could have been confused for a raging yeast infection, burning up my crotch like an acid dipped Jonas Brother. Seriously, I’ve never had an STD but I have to say that if I had to guess, that must be what they feel like. Like you just raw dogged a fucking stick of IcyHot. This is how your complimentary Fire & Ice condoms made me feel. Like a disgusting whore who had vaginal black plague. This is the last thing I want to feel like when I’m in a completely monogamous relationship with someone I love. I want to feel good about myself, not like I just boned nine dudes in an AM PM parking lot for six dollars and half a crack rock.
I’m sure you had some sort of “FREE FIRE & ICE CONDOMS!” on the outside of the box but I don’t pay attention to those things. I (or Dudefriend, I can’t take credit for all this since he is the breadwinner when it comes to protection in this venture) dump them in my drawer and whatever, then I eventually use them all and do it all over again. But let me tell you, these are not the kind of things to just spring on people, alright? Not everyone spent their later college years getting kicks rubbing shit out with Tiger Balm. Some of us like the relief of Bengay for muscle and joint pain and not for paralyzing our fucking genitalia, okay? Like, I’m not a prude or anything and I mean, I get you’re trying to get ur branch on but like, next time just give me a promotional bottle of Cholula with some instructions like “Yo, if you want to know what our Fire & Ice condoms will do for your sex life, dump this on your dick.” At least then I wouldn’t be out of Cholula right now.
Love your loyal customer,