This woman who I have never met or seen or heard of in my life,
whose only mutual friends are my aunts,
keeps trying to add me on Facebook.
Like non-stop.
I’ve probably denied this woman about five or six times because I don’t know her IRL (& we’re not blogospherebffz) and finally this morning I was like WTF IS THIS LADY’S DEAL?! So, I text my dad and I’m like, “Dude, who is this broad that won’t leave me alone on Facebook?” and this is the text I get back:
“She was my first girlfriend and her mom and dad were your grandparents’ best friends and they died of cancer. Her mom delivered you at the hospital.”
And I was just like, 
LIKE REALLY?!
PEOPLE WHO ARE RELATED TO PEOPLE
WHO BROUGHT ME INTO THIS WORLD
WANT TO ADD ME ON FACEBOOK.
PEOPLE WHO MADE OUT WITH MY DAD WHEN HE WAS LIKE 15,
FUCKIN BREEDING GUINIA PIGS AND PLAYING BASEBALL,
WANT TO ADD ME ON FACEBOOK.
WHERE IS THE LINE DRAWN?!?!!
I mean, obviously me TRYING to draw the line
by denying her and denying her is not working.
Why are middle agers so dense?
Why do they think I want them knowing
about where I work or how much weed I smoke?
Or that I want to take the time to make a list so that they specifically
can’t see where I work or how much weed I smoke?
I’m really starting to hate Facebook.
I mean, there are just too many people
who are interested in knowing what I am up to
that I wish were not interested
because honestly, I have no idea why they’re interested.
Yo, Mary Made-Out-With-My-Pops & Bro K-Through-12-I-Didn’t-Even-Know-Knew-I-Existed-And-I-Forgot-About-Until-This-”Friend”-Request,
you don’t know me.
You never knew me.
& if you saw me on an off day, stuck a suburban supermarket, you probably wouldn’t approach me. Probably wouldn’t even recognize me if “Marissa A. Ross” wasn’t spelled out in a sidebar or our mutual classmates didn’t ring some sort of bell. And even if you did, I wouldn’t know you. We’d have nothing to talk about. We’d have some awkward moment that would leave my brow furrowed & a WTF on my face, in which case you’d have to walk away until our high school reunion, where maybe I’d be drunk enough to spew five years worth of status updates in four minutes while waiting in line behind you at the tiki bar.
But since this is the age of technology, you think you can bypass that awkward social interaction with the click of a button. We can pretend we know one another and we can pretend like we give a shit about one another, get ourselves some fucking Disney El Capitan style Special Previews into the lives & times of people we didn’t even really know existed.
WELL I GOT NEWS FOR YOU!
YOU BETTER START HANGING OUT AT THE UPLAND ALBERTSON’S,
CAUSE I AIN’T ACCEPTING YOUR REQUEST!
Fucking A+ right!
damn you left me pretty fired up at the end there!!
it’s bc you’re probably still slackin’ on your bowl.
haha i did get around to making green beans though
This was such an epic gonzo post. seriously brilliant
thanks skosh! <3
Please, like you’re going to our high school reunion. Unless, you are. In which case, awkward.
lolollllzzz! i’m only going if you’re going. or if i’m rich enough to be like helicoptered in with a huge banner flying that says “WHAT NOW BIIIITTTCHHHEEESSS”.
I would never go if I knew I was going to be a smug asshole the whole time, because, like, why ruin the party for people who are actually into it? Seeing as I definitely think I’m better than people who would be all into reunions, my attendance is questionable.
Let’s revisit this tangent in four years.
what if i also flew you in on the helicopter?
ps. you don’t have to think. we both know you are far better than those people.
ahaha tempted to friend you on fb