BREAKING NEWS: CHOCOLATE BOBKA’S LAST MINUTE TICKET TO TEXAS!!!

16 03 2010

YOU GUYS!
YOU GUYS!
OKAY!
So, I may be totally breaching my GChat confidentiality but I just found out some really spectacular news that, sure, I could just peacefully enjoy to myself in the comforts of my trust with Chocolate Bobka‘s McG, but why really? Like why would I do that when I could use the information entrusted in me for the BETTER OF THE WORLD (my blog)?!?!?!

YOU READY FOR THIS?!

OKAY.

OMGOMGOMGOMGODGODGOD!

So, yeah, official.
McG is going to Texas and it makes sense.
It does, like on the real, I was mega surprised he wasn’t going since he is a huge part of life across the country, probz the globe.
I mean, it’s hard to find a good parallel
but I feel like McG’s the Wayne Chopra of music blogs.
And now,
Julian Lynch and myself are the only prolific members of the current movement not at SXSW.

So, yeah.
THAT happened.

Sorry about that.
Blowing your minds and shit.

& sorry McG.
Blowing your cover and shit.
Oops? <3oxoxoxo

#FutureEntertainmentTonightCorrespondentsUnited


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SOUTH BY SOUTH WHAT?

15 03 2010

So, I’m not going to lie,
seeing everyone’s SXSW tweets & blogs & shit is making me mad jealz.
Can you blame me?! Everyone I think is cool in the music world aside from Chocolate Bobka (busy hustlin’, understandable) is going.
So, yeah, it sucks I can’t see some of all my favorite bands play.
& I mean, next month I will be ballin’ like a lady with no kids or health insurance so it’s kind of frustrating since I don’t have fundz NOW.
But that’s not really what gets me.
What is really annoying is it is on the ONLY day
everyone I know shouldn’t be allowed to be busy.
Like on the reals, when you decide to add me on Facebook I feel like I need a box to check to agree that I dictate your March 18th every year until I decide to terminate our friendship or Facebook friend status.

But you know what?
Fuck your festival.
Why?
CAUSE I’VE GOT MY OWN.
IT’S CALLED
THE DAY OF MY BIRTH.
BITCHES.

And you know what?
Everyone who isn’t at SXSW is going to be there.
Like, seriously.

PARTY CITY EXCLUSIVE.

Okay, I’m gonna be real.
Not sure if the Lisa Frank crew is going to show up entirely.
YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME.
Personally, I don’t give a shit if those penguins don’t come.
It’s like, look, I’m a hugger but I’m not an awkward embracer.


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Yeah, It’s Sunday.

14 03 2010

So, I just don’t feel like blogging. I have nothing good to say aside from HAY HAY HAY MY BIRTHDAY IS IN FOUR DAYS & I’M LIKE, REEVALUATING MY LIFE!


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A Tangent About People With Signs On The Street.

12 03 2010

OH HAY GUYZ.
IF YOU THINK
I’VE HAD FOUR FAT TIRES &
AM LISTENING TO LADY GAGA & BEYONCÉ
THEN YOU WIN SELF-ESTEEM.

If not, it’s cool cause like six months ago
I wouldn’t have guessed that either
but, you know, people like grow up & evolve & shit.

ANYYYWAYYY,
this post is not about beer or pop music (unfortunately right?!).
This post is about the protesters (okay, I don’t know if they are “protesters” but they have signs & there are like five of them) that are on the corner of Echo Park & Sunset every Friday. They have been there every Friday since like FOREVER & I mean, it’s way cool.
Yeah, we want money for schools instead of bombs
& we totally want jobs instead of wars
& like wellfare…
wait, I mean health care
instead of…
Okay, sorry, I don’t remember what the last sign said.

BUT THE POINT IS
DUDE, WE KNOW.
We know shit sucks. You realize you’re talking to Echo Park, right? You realize that 80% of the people that live here are living off corn & pork rinds sold on street corners, yeah? You are preaching to the choir!!! I’m not trying to downplay how great it is you’re standing on a street corner standing up for shit you believe in, hell, I sure as hell don’t do that much for politics but what are you accomplishing in Echo Park? Yeah, you get like 50 honks from Mexicans. Are you surprised? We’re all musicians or construction workers, no shit we want universal health care.

I just feel like, why not go to West Hollywood where maybe someone will come by & not like just honk but throw a suitcase full of a million dollars out of their window since apparently people in LA live like people in Entourage.

I’ve never seen Entourage
but I feel like if I had an entourage,
I’d be wayyy more likely to throw a million dollars out my window.
Which seems wayyy more productive
than honks from immigrants & hipsters, ya know?

I dunno, maybe I just am on the beer train.
LOL IT’S SEVEN.
DAMN, I AM MORALLY BANKRUPT
yet so spiritually rich all at once.
PARADOXES YA’ALL.
MEANING OF LIFE RIGHT THUR!!!

PS. You’re welcome! <3


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The Report Has Made It To The Left Coast!

11 03 2010

So, today was a really great day!
Not only did I get Jurassic Park Special Edition from Netflix
but I got my copy of Chocolate Bobka’s new project
THE REPORT.

The Report is a very special thing. I first called it a publication but it’s much more than that. The Report takes some of the most brilliant people in the music industry today and combines them in a number of mediums, all delightfully packaged in a surprise-filled parcel right to your front door.

PLZ ADDRESS ALL MY MAIL THIS WAY FROM NOW ON KTHNX!
MARISS 'IS FUCKING PUMPED' A. ROSS!

I don’t want to give away too much of The Report, I would much rather see you smoke a bowl left over from a last night’s drunken flurry, sit back & dive in yourself. I want you to feel the pages. They feel real; thick & smooth against tirelessly typed finger tips. The rest is too personal. No, really, even that was a too intimate of a detail to be telling the world wide web. That’s what The Report feels like- something personal, something…

This is where I went to go put on the cassette tape it came with and I ended up breaking my tape deck on my stereo from eighth grade.

Well, probably for the best, let’s leave the music bloggers to lay the knowledge. Now I just get to spend the next couple hours attempting to fix the tape deck, somehow end up breaking it more, take a five to put my faith in the universe that this is all because I’m supposed to listen to the tape at a pivotal moment in Dudefriend’s car (cause that’s the only place I know plays tapes) and put my beer coozy to good use.

Yeah.
I got a coozy with my edition of The Report.
It’s a limited edition.
Did you know that New Jersey produces like,
90% of the world’s Eggplant?!

That shit’s for real.

ANNNYWAYYY,
support rad artists, awesome words & monster jams!


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This All Makes A Lot Of Sense To Me.

11 03 2010

This feels like I’m looking into my future, you know, like in 2011 when I am gracing the desktops of people everywhere who are down to look at me every day, being all whimsical in nature as a symbol of technology with my fine balance of comedic value & uninhibited beauty.

Or the reality of it,
that I am the butt of a joke
someone left on their pals’ computers.

Which I’m totally cool with
given the people doing it have successful blogs.


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TRUE STORY!

10 03 2010


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GPOYW: A Somber Note Upon Aging.

10 03 2010

Please, grab a glass of wine & turn on some Tom Waits & join us for a trip down Marissa’s pathetic & incomprehensible yearning to be underaged & miserable once more (“I JUST DON’T LIKE BEING TWENTY FOUR!” she exclaims but we know truthz). – Adin Hunter, long dormant & estranged editor of T&tT.

As I sit here drinking a Tisdale Merlot because the local liquor was out of Cab and everything else was eight dollars (literally, there is no inbetween, either three or eight) it just reminds me of how much I used to have to settle on whatever was readily available when I was twenty. Whatever was possible always seemed like a good idea. I’ve got the money if you’ve got the time and hell, I’ve got Bright Eyes on vinyl so let’s make this shit happen.

These were the same years I had nights to trip out and free days to recover, recoiling from the horrors of my real life illuminated in the midst of a drug induced fog of clarity.

Funny how that works, how truths are revealed in times of insanity.

The moment you look over at your best friend & realize he gives you the same feeling as the globs of Vick’s Vapo-Rub smothered all over your nose. The four seconds between the moment you realized your best friend gave you the same feeling as Vick’s Vapo-Rub & finding out your boyfriend cheated on you with his friend’s mom. The hour John Lennon spends telling you you’re an asshole. The night you hugged him & he didn’t hug you back. The day you took him back & regretted it. The month you spent drinking whiskey & listening to Ryan Adams on repeat, letting your cursive become undecipherable. The year you spent trying to figure out what it all meant, all the beautiful things that crashed & burned on the carpet of the apartment your parents paid for.

Ah, nineteen.
It was like running through fields of daisies,






eating shit
& then getting hives.
Which is exactly what happened.

But I was like a hundred pounds sooooo
WHATEVZZZZZ RIGHT?!?!!
LOLLLLLZZZZZ

Yeah, kinda.


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Scientific Research Supports Dudefriend Staying With Me FOREVZZZ.

8 03 2010

So, my twenty fourth birthday is in ten days.
It’s kinda giving me the heebie jeebiez but it’s like,
“Marissa, chill the fuck out dude. Just cause you were drunk off Hollywood sparkle dust for the first three-fourths of your existence thinking you would be the Kelly Kapowski of life by this time, does not mean you’re a loser somehow washed-up-yet never-has-been blogger with a beat up face and unproportional tits. IT DOESN’T! I mean, you kinda watched the Oscars last night and you know it’s just a joke with a revolving staircase! Who cares you didn’t ‘make it’! You have a fucking amazing dudefriend and…”

Holy shit.
I’m almost 24 with an amazing dudefriend.
That means if shit kinda works out,
we should be dating until I’m like twenty seven.
But I want to get married when I’m like thirty.
But if we break up when I’m like twenty seven, twenty eight then…
OMG I’D NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND SOMEONE WHO “GETS” ME AND ACTUALLY “LOVES” IT IN LESS THAN THREE YEARS!!!

LOL I KNOW, RIGHT? WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE?! (Trust, dude, TRUST.)

Holy shit.
I’ve gotta find a way to keep Dudefriend!!!

[Fifteen minutes on Google Reader pass {four hours of 'real' reading}]

So, I found the first reason why Dudefriend should want to spend the rest of his life putting up with my horrible shit and pretending my internet “friendships” are decent dinner party conversation.

THERE IS A STUDY THAT PROVES
WOMEN WHO DRINK TEND TO GAIN LESS WEIGHT IN MIDLIFE!!!
(via LA Times guys, WE MAJOR RIGHT NOW)

DO YOU GET WHAT THIS MEANS?!
It means I’m not going to go down the fat path, guys.
I’m going to keep it real in my $9.50 Forever 21 slim cut jeans
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFEEEE.

In the article they claim red wine reaps the most benefits of not getting fat-ness and that’s like, way cool considering how much red wine I drink on the reg’. This makes me feel like Dudefriend can date me with confidence. Like, hey, this girl/lady/woman (?!) is not going to become a regular contributor to ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com. Like, hey, she isn’t going to crush me during sex in fifteen years bitching about having to hump me for ten minutes. Like, hey, she’ll probably still have a nice complexion if she kept it going through her horrendous high school years getting stuffed in trash cans. LIKE, HEY, THIS GIRL IS WORTH KEEPING AROUND!!!

LOL watch he reads this & is like
“I CAN’T TAKE YOU AND YOUR SERIOUS TALKS ON BLOGS!
WE’RE NEVER GETTING MARRIED, YOU TOTES CRA-CRA!!!”

& I’d be like,
“Dude. Relax. I’m just a girl with a blog & I’m ‘keeping it real’ with my ‘real world’ anxieties. Us ‘real girls’ think about ‘real things’ like marriage and not having to spend the rest of our lives talking to our pets like they’re real people, dawg, alright?! I’m drunk just GO WITH IT.”

& knowing him, he’d be like “ALLLLRIGHT.”
& then say something really inspirational about giving me creative freedom & then I’d think it was okay to push another boundary…

Tune in next time when I talk about how knowing the anal nerves is going to keep me from Old Maid status!

LOL jkjkjkjk3000, guys.
I don’t know anything about anal nerves.
Although, I know a bunch about rimmin’.

Ugh.

Research In Motion!!!!
C’mon, guys.
I have a Blackberry.
YOU KNOW THIS!!!!
Turn your brains off Playboy, get back to PBS.
THIS IS A FAMILY FRIENDLY BLOG.
TALKING ABOUT FAMILY FRIENDLY THINGS.
LIKE THE SANCTITY BETWEEN A MAN & A WOMAN
& HER FUTURE FATNESS.


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Friday, On The Real Part Two.

6 03 2010

I convinced everyone we should go on ChatRoulette
since that is obviously the best way to waste
the time between not getting weed & getting weed.

& we ran into a comedian, so that was nice for some of the first timers.

LOLOLOLLLLLZZZ

We also tried to use it to find movie reviews
but people on there don’t seem to be that into the arts.

TRUE STORY.

Annnnyyywayyy,
just wanted to leave you with a little something before
Dudefriend picks me up to go car shopping!
Wow.
COUPLEXCORE, guys, I knowww.
But uh, does any one else want him coming home in a sunburnt orange Element?
I mean, if the mileage is right, fine, sure whatever
but I mean, the answer is ideally & ultimately NO.
NO, WE DO NOT WANT HIM COMING HOME IN AN ORANGE ELEMENT!
So, that’s going to be a cute little Saturday.
Maybe we’ll go get some linens and start quoting Old School.
WHO KNOWS!
ALRIGHT GOTTA GO CHOOSE SOME ADVENTURES!
XOXOXO


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Friday, On The Real.

5 03 2010

I’m going to level with you & say that usually by the time Friday rolls around, let me tell you,
I
AM
BEAT!

There is normally one night a week we plan on laying low which somehow gets annihilated. Usually, this is because of something I forget I drunkenly committed to or we’re having to celebrate something with someone (which is awesome, go pals for successes & being born & all the other shit that requires we all get together and get drunk enough to still be able to drive). And much more often than not, this night of sweat pants, comfort food & large gifted joints is relegated to Friday.

Friday is usually the night I have nothing planned & nothing I’ve forgot about planning but people have random shit that night. Like I get texts from people that are doing random off the cuff nonsense that I would normally be like, “YEAH! LET’S TOTALLY GO TO THAT SHITTY POETRY READING & DRINK CHEAP BEERS WITH PEOPLE I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT! LOL!” but I just can’t tonight guys.
I need to just put on some clean sweatpants and JELL.

( “THAT WAS IN A COMMERCIAL!” Dudefriend yells from the barbeque.
“MY PARENTS SAID IT FIRST!” I retort [truths, guys].)

An ideal Friday night:

that,
paired with a nice Vegetarian recipe
& four bottles of Charles Shaw Cabernet.

We may or may not be listening to
cute Devendra songs or the Mondo Boys’ last mix as well.
OR!
Chocolate Bobka’s Sunday Brunch!
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE, YA’ALLZ!!!


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HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. ZISSOU!

5 03 2010

Today my beloved furry counterpart,
Mr. Steve Zissou (Ross) turns
FIVE YEARS OLD!!!
HE’S LIKE MIDDLE AGED IN DOG TOWN!!!

He’s the best dog in the world. No joke. I love him so much it’s kind of ridiculous. I definitely consider him my child. A mentally disabled one since he will ALWAYS be dependent on me. ALWAYS. & I dunno if you guys know this but he’s a mystical, immortal creature so I will ALWAYS have him. He’s not even a dog to be honest. He is really this strange bear-cat-raccoon-bunny-fawn that hails from the densest woodlands of Japan.

He loves Nerf football, Tecate & all the shit I like.

BIRTHDAY MANNN!!!

So, if you feel like getting him a present, just know if it’s something I can use, like booze, he’ll love it. He also would like to request a gift certificate to Blue Collar &/or K-9 Loft (although they do not have his favorite all natural Greenie-type bones but he’ll take it), a dinner at Cliff’s Edge with his betroved Wildfox Couture model, Stella, and a Cool Pix digital cam (I know, I was like, REALLY?! UH OKAY).

Here he is doing his favorite thing in the world!
Masturbating in the park while we drink beer!
Note: I was not here for this particular day drinking in the park. I was out of town and Dudefriend & Co. were taking care of the little man & subsequently got into it with the fuzz for disorderly conduct, drinking in public & being general menaces. Last time I leave him with ruffians.

(There is a pay off. Wait for it… waaaaaiiiit for it…)

And this is Zissou doing his other favorite thing
(aside from sleeping & licking)
running around like a mad man!

I’m sure many of you saw the LATFH post that ruined my life,
as it seems like everyone I know,
including people in line at the airport, read at that shit
& saw my horrible promotional video I did for a friend’s party he was throwing. I mean, personally, I thought the concept was kinda cute but whatever, apparently, I’M an asshole since people are still leaving me “FUCKING KILL URSELF B*#CH!”s and “LET ME CUM IN YOUR ASS”s on YouTube but that’s beside the point. The point is,
THAT LITTLE VIDEO MADE ZISSOU A SENSATION!
& then I made a video about him being a sensation:

So, yeah, that’s it.
Just wanted to show some love for the best friend I’ve ever had because he can’t leave or fend for himself in the real world & he may just love me enough to want to stick around.

Shoulda Been A Member Of A Boy Band.

<3


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I Freaking Love The Internet!

4 03 2010


& my blogosphere bffz
& my herrrrrooooo

What’s not to respect about a man in a leather jacket with a fucking SLAB of gold on his wrist that TELLS TIME?! Uh, hey kids, I dunno what you’re aspiring for but I think Ma$e already has it.
In platinum.
On a yacht.
So, GET REAL.
1997 IS THE FUTURE.

Sidenote, make sure to check out Friendship Bracelet & Chocolate Bobka!
They’re the only reason people think I have good taste in my hood.

JUST KIDDDDING!!!
kinda.


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GPOYW: Sister, Sister Edition.

3 03 2010

So, as I previously stated like nineteen times, I was in Santa Cruz visiting my little sister, who happens to be one of my best friends.
This is surprising because I am a raging ageist.

I mean, obviously it doesn’t apply to everyone, just like not all Mexicans are just standing around Echo Park eating corn with mayonnaise all day like they seem to in my neighborhood, but a lot of people over the age of like thirty five and under the age of say, twenty two, are really annoying in one way or another.

For example, middle aged wannabe tech guru dads at conferences ruining presentations with completely irrelevant questions about YouTube, seriously you guys need to go home, put on a baseball cap and watch some fucking golf.

Another example, nineteen year old dorm hall drama queens who storm in, talking with the speed of a meth head about dudes that weren’t their boyfriends that they fucked & then for some reason get upset that they’re seeing someone else when they were never even seeing to begin with…
See?
Jesus, I don’t even remember how it ended but the point is, shut the hell up. Just do it. Just shut up & think for a second about the crazy that is coming out of your mouth & then reevaluate why he doesn’t want to continue screwing you without obligations. It’s probably because free sex isn’t even worth the shit you spew so take a chill pill (Xanax) & get down on some reflectxcore, dawg.

Anyyywayyy,
my sister, is amazing.
I knnnooowwww everyone says that,
that Valerie is amazing,
but they say it because it’s true!!! She’s the best and she is my favorite person in the world to be around. We’ve gone through a lot together and through those hard times, we’ve grown into next level ladies, all the while staying true to ourselves & who we’ve always been-

Malibu, California; Summer of Ninety-Five.

Santa Cruz, California; Spring of Ten (is that right?)

I’ve always acted cool.
& she’s just always been cute.

AND WE BOTH HAVE ALWAYYYSSS
HAD OUTSTANDING FASHION SENSE!!!

Check her little Body Glove outfit, huh!
Matching shorts & shit, Tweety Bird knock off pink Converse.
And NOBODY!
Can step to that Pocahontas tee.
Or my sweet Prince Valiant haircut.
HOLLLA!!!


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Yo Santa Cruz, Get Ready For RETURN OF THE MAR!*

2 03 2010

*That needs to be sung like so, BTW, THX, XOXO.

So, guys, I’m going to level with you and say I really don’t want to be blogging right now. Like, I do but my brain hurts so bad I really don’t want to. BUT I MUST! PERSEVERANCE YA’ALLZ!

The truth of the story is I’ve been a mega mess, living “the dream” in Los Angeles after my amazing weekend hanging out in the woods, living unplugged, smelling moss & baby rain drops while knocking back canteens of Yerba Mate & Jeremiah Weed.

I really never had a “college experience” and being at UC Santa Cruz with my sis this weekend made me really regret not investigating my options before just deciding moving to Orange County for some deadbeat boy & fall into the dream of “cash, money, hoes” while pretending to attend community college on the side when I was really just shoplifting.

The entire time in Santa Cruz, all I could think about was
“How can I afford to live in a city of second homes & Trustifarians,
where ninety people apply to work at the glass blowing shop?
How do I MAKE IT HAPPEN?!”

Then, in the forest, I had an epiphany!
I saw this epic tree that inspired me!
And I was like LIGHTBULBZ!!!

UH HUH THIS MY SHIT! B A N A N A Z!

AN ALL NATURAL
ALL ORGANIC
STRIP CLUB!

Set deep in the Pogonip woods behind UCSC,
The Pok-A-Nip Club
would a destination for hikers & hippies alike.
Only using sunlight and moonlight, the club would highlight the natural beauty of women against the awe-inspiring background of the great Redwoods. From squirrel sheaths to leaves to traditional Na’vi mating garb with natural Indigo body paint (we want to utilize all our markets here), our dancers (broke students) would make love to the forest without harming a single life because of their incredible agility (they have to climb Tree Nine as a part of the application process while spinning hemp titty tassels- NOT EASY GUYS) and connection to nature.

Refreshments would be brought down from the on-campus Mexican joint, Tacos Morenos and local beer would be pumped from a biodegradable keg. We would also be “green friendly” along with the entire city of Santa Cruz apparently.

Although we accept cash as tender, we would prefer to trade our services for high quality home grown goods (ie: avocados, tangerines, psilocybin mushrooms) in order to prepare ourselves to become a self-sustaining forest society when the government com(fila)busts in 2012 and the Tea Party takes over middle America and Santa Cruz has to secede from the Union in order to continue on the righteous path of the CannaBible.

And don’t worry
(or don’t be bummed
for you maniacs that actually think I’m worth seeing naked),
I will not be dancing.
I will only be pimping for Farmer’s market goods
& instructing,
since I do have the moves of a fourteen year old Mexican girl at a junior high dance with studded flared jeans on that simultaneously pops, locks & drops while pulling mad PDAz with her pot peddling, held back high school beau (<- true story, dawg, I got those moves on lock).


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