Tangents & The Times

Dear Time Warner Cable,
I bet you didn’t think I’d find out. Bet you thought you’d just sell my address to numerous random mailers and I’d be like,
“AWWW SCHUCKS! MORE JUNK MAIL! “
YEAH.
YOU THOUGHT.
I bet you get away with it all the time. I mean, how are people supposed to know where their junk mail is generated from, right? We just get it and throw it in the recycling bin, just wasting paper and ignoring all the “great deals” that are randomly just thrown in our mailboxes, like “great deals” come through mass mailers, fucking assholes.

Yep, I bet it works out great for you.
BUT NOT THIS TIME!
You guys made a crucial mistake.

You see this?

SRSLY?!

No one in the universe
in the history of time
has ever fucked up my name like that.

And now I’ve been getting things like this:

OH WAIT WHAT DOES THAT SAY?!

Um, I’m sorry but I don’t think I am crazy
for thinking there isn’t a direct correlation between the two.
Also, sorry, but uhhh pretty fucking positive I did not sign anything releasing my address to anyone besides you for bills and shit, especially considering I signed up for your services OVER THE PHONE.
I didn’t like, accidently click a button with some small fucking print.
No, you sold my address without my consent!

I want you to know I am really kinda furious about this.
You are killing trees & totally disrespecting my good name all at once.
And then like, throwing it in my face.
Or my mailbox.
Same thing since I have to take it out of my mailbox and read it.
I don’t even have an “unsubscribe” button on this shit.

Believe you me, when I call to pay my overdue bill,
I shall be speaking to a representative in an authoritative tone and I will ask for all of their supervisors until I am given some shit for free cause that’s the only reason to call and bitch to people.
Free shit.
It’s not like you guys are going to call up every insurance company you sold my information to and be like, “Hey guys, this one girl, Merrisaross Ross, yeah, don’t send her anymore great deals.”
PLEASE JUST SAY IT ALOUD.
MERRISAROSS ROSS.
Or like Traveler’s Insurance addressed me,
ROSS MERRISAROSS.
Which although is equally as retarded, does actually make more sense. I bet whoever was there was like “Damn, this person’s name cannot be Merrisaross Ross… I bet it’s a dude named Ross…”
WELL, YOU WERE ALL WRONG!!!

Also, just found out you guys can only pay online via Firefox thanks to my man, McG. Well, I’ve got news for you. YOUR SHIT IS ALL SORTS OF AT LEAST SIX MONTHS OUTDATED! HOW DO YOU EVEN FUNCTION IN LIFE WITHOUT CHROME?! WHAT? YOU GOT AN AOL ACCOUNT TOO?! MANNNN, GO FUCK YOURSELFZ! SELLING OUR ADDRESSES! MAKING OUR LIVES HARDER BY NOT BEING ABLE TO USE CHROME! SHIT’S WACK! AND I AM MEGA SAD AT YOU!!!

Bet you didn’t think you’d run into me
on Tuesday afternoon with my coozy full, did you?!