I HAVE BEEN CHALLENGED.

31 03 2010

It all started on March First, Two Thousand & Ten
where all things in my life start,
on Twitter.

You know, me & Ian of Friendship Bracelet.
Bantering or rapping or some shit per uzh.

(The following tweets have been edited so that all you people who don’t ‘get’ Twitter can understand the flow of the convo & don’t have to bitch at me this weekend when you’re drunk enough to admit you read my blog [xoxo]).

So, yeah that was like FOREVZ AGO!
LOL MARCH!
LIKE THAT EVEN STILL EXISTS!

Then yesterday,
on GChat, I was telling Ian
that there was in fact a Lisa Frank mix.

For everyone who doesn’t “get it” & wasn’t a grade school girl with technicolor golden retrievers on their binders, upgrade yourself:

He then suggested I polish it up so it can be
the first Tangents & The Times mix on the interwebs
and I was
MEGA STOKED!!!

Then THIS happened:

ian: i just want to see what you make and then make a sister mix and attempt to out-do yours
me: WHAT!
NO WAY!
you’ll totally beat me!
ian: thats why i said ‘out-do
me: NOOOOOOO
ian: it’s on
me: THATS TOTALLY NOT FAIR :(
ian: well if youre gona chicken out then thats fine too
me: EW
I’M NOT CHICKENING OUT!
its just that you DO THIS
i write jokes
ian:

me: HAHAHA I HATE YOU!
I’M NOT
ian: wait til word gets out
me: you’ll stomp me! :(
ian: marissa a. is a grade-a purdue boneless breast
me: HOW DARE YOU
I’M WORKING ON IT NOW!!!

That is a true story, kids.
So, since the fateful morning of yesterday I have been diligently working on perfecting my Lisa Frank mix. I am not hoping to “win”, I’m just hoping to hold my own and showcase my steeze, which is always an elegant mix of class & trash.
In essence,
NEXT LEVEL, DAWG.

ROSS
IS
COMING
UP
F#*CKING
SOON!


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One Time, THIS HAPPENED.

30 03 2010


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In A Perfect World, No Babies = Cake.

30 03 2010

I feel like not having a baby
should be a time to rejoice,
like HORAY! I CAN CONTINUE TO LIVE RECKLESSLY WITHOUT BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ASIDE FROM MY DOG & I CAN KEEP DRINKING AS MUCH AS I WANT BECAUSE I WON’T HAVE THE GUILT OF MAKING SOMEONE LIVE AS A RETARD FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE BECAUSE OF IT! YAY! CONFETTI!

But for some reason, unbeknownst to me, I am punished.
Like RAWR! YOU AIN’T HAVIN’ BABIES?! I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE YOU INFERTILE WHORE!

Body & Mind working against me at all costs, trying to bring me down and I just don’t get it. Why don’t you want me to function, Body & Mind? Why are you making me not want to laugh & have fun? Why does it feel like you are shanking my insides? Like seriously why am I about to cry because Dudefriend got a grill and it’s making my grill obsolete? Why do I care about grills? Who fucking cares if he’s grilling at his house instead of my house? I don’t grill anything, of course he should have a fucking grill. THERE’S NO CRYING IN BLOGGING!!!

And most importantly,
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING UP MY FACE?!
On the real!
Pimples?! REALLY?!
I didn’t even have pimples through puberty it’s like why now? Why when I am finally like, not on top but kinda half way to the middle to the top would you start giving me pimples now? When I need my face the most and its features are actually proportional to my body? Like I finally look ALRIGHT and you’re blowing it for me.
THANKS.
THANKS ALOT.
I’M SORRY I’M NOT INTO CONTRIBUTING TO THE POPULATION PROBLEM, BODY.

Jesus.
Here I am just looking out for the world and shit,
and all I have to show for it is a box of Midol & a heating pad.


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THE RUMORS ARE TRUE.

29 03 2010

Family Portrait stayed at my pad on Thursday.
I’m not going to say much
except
I’m the bro in the middle:


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Sometimes I Have Poor Judgement?

27 03 2010

Is this an appropriate shirt to wear to a birthday party your father is throwing you with his whole side of the family after he lost our entire estate & all of our holdings in the past three years and we are now leading a classic riches-to-rags story where the economy & revenge swallow everything and the eldest daughter has to learn to fend for herself and then comes up on her own to become the most ballin’ blogger in Echo Park?

IJDK!!!

Whatever.
It goes really well with my cutoffs.


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While You Were South-By-South-West-ing: A Recap By Request.

25 03 2010

First things first,
pretty relieved I wasn’t totally forgotten.
That is pretty cool, not gonna lie.

Now, what the hell have I been doing the past twelve days?
Well, not gonna lie again sooo I’m gonna say not a whole lot since I haven’t had anyone to have Twitter banter with or even give a shit about my blog for like two weeks. Fucking depressing.

ANYYYWAYYY,
A lot of my time was spent in meditation, exonerating myself from the tremendous amount of anger & bitterness that was surrounding the whole me-not-being-at-SXSW thing.

Dudefriend was gone for like four days so I spent some time with myself and realized I really only get off imagining myself like four inches taller with a boob job. I think part of it is I feel too guilty fantasizing about myself with anyone other than Dudefriend and although Fancy-Casual George Clooney will always be my go-to, I dunno. I just look really good four inches taller with bitchin’ tits.

I stayed in on St. Patty’s because the next day was my birthday, which I made a great flyer for it (Ian, I specifically thought you’d enjoy it). I briefly got into the evening but my birthday, although thwarted by the city of Los Angeles ripping out my porch and veranda a month ago, was actually a success. I don’t think I’ve had so many good friends since I was in Girl Scouts, when everyone has to be your good friend because you can’t invite half the troupe to your party.
That shit is rude.

I did almost get beat up by this Cholo and his sister, which was also a rude situation. He was hitting on us (I think?) so I lightly popped him in the face. Word to the wise, don’t pop twenty one year olds that think they got street cred. They will spend the rest of the night making your life hell / trying to make out with you, which, oddly enough, is not that uncommon of the men in my life.

That was the drunkest I’d been in forevz.
I never take dirty ass shots with peach Schnapps.
But hey, I don’t say no to presents.

I watched some of movies. I got my hands on Up In The Air finally (swooonz), The Lost Skeleton Of Cadavra, PRECIOUS (OMG), NOTORIOUS (ZOMG) and half of A Serious Man.
Personally, I was serious about sleeping that night.

Other than that, I’ve been drinking a lot more beer.
I’m getting the most outta my coozy from McG.
And lots of wine, per usual.

Zissou though… UGH. He’s driving me to an early grave!!! He’s not adapting well to my work schedule and he keeps shitting in my house which I am really not cool with plus it makes no sense since I’m home everyday by like 3. I’m on the verge of beating him but I just put him in a closet with the lights off today.
He cried a little so I feel like maybe he’s now getting the message.

I broke my phone, which is better than drowning it in red wine or a toilet but frustrating all the same. Life is just making me work really hard for that iPhone.

I dunno.
It’s kinda hard to remember things between
working two jobs, blogging and getting drunk.
All I know is
I WASN’T AT SXSW.
WHICH IS STILL A SORE SPOT.
:(

#freshwounds #salt

BUT WELCOME HOME BLOGOSPHERE!
I MISSED U HARD ON THE REAL! <3


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For The Brave & The Bored.

24 03 2010

Spring Break 2006: A Preamble.


Read the rest of this entry »


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GPOYW: Four Years Ago Edition.

24 03 2010

Last night I wondered about where the change was. Where T&tT came to be what it is now instead of what it started as- a whole mess of shitty insights on current events and decent album reviews for a bitch that doesn’t know shit about music outside of third grade clarinet.
When did I let this “drunken blathering” (what an astute commenter) become exactly that?

I still don’t know.
One day, I’ll be bored & narcissistic enough to figure it out
but that day is not today.
The truth is it started long before this blog. It started in the spring of two thousand & six. I was finally really on my own. Up until this point I had had my father or my boyfriend to reign over me but this, this was the first time I was on my own.

And in this time spent unattended,
I took to handles of Jack Daniels & writing blogs.

March, Two Thousand & Six

& making stupid ass faces in photos.

So, very little has changed in the past four years.
I’ve just grown up.
Instead of downing 1.25 liters of whiskey, I drink two bottles of wine.
Instead of bitching about boys, I bitch about everything else.
Instead of being spineless, I have the conviction to stand behind the fact I love writing on the internet and would never work retail again unless refusing resulted in immediate death.
Or not being able to afford Zissou’s “speciality diet”.

My only question is,
what will two bottles of wine be in four years?


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A TANGENT ABOUT HOW I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS SHIT.

23 03 2010

Dear Time Warner Cable,
I bet you didn’t think I’d find out. Bet you thought you’d just sell my address to numerous random mailers and I’d be like,
“AWWW SCHUCKS! MORE JUNK MAIL! :( “
YEAH.
YOU THOUGHT.
I bet you get away with it all the time. I mean, how are people supposed to know where their junk mail is generated from, right? We just get it and throw it in the recycling bin, just wasting paper and ignoring all the “great deals” that are randomly just thrown in our mailboxes, like “great deals” come through mass mailers, fucking assholes.

Yep, I bet it works out great for you.
BUT NOT THIS TIME!
You guys made a crucial mistake.

You see this?

SRSLY?!

No one in the universe
in the history of time
has ever fucked up my name like that.

And now I’ve been getting things like this:

OH WAIT WHAT DOES THAT SAY?!

Um, I’m sorry but I don’t think I am crazy
for thinking there isn’t a direct correlation between the two.
Also, sorry, but uhhh pretty fucking positive I did not sign anything releasing my address to anyone besides you for bills and shit, especially considering I signed up for your services OVER THE PHONE.
I didn’t like, accidently click a button with some small fucking print.
No, you sold my address without my consent!

I want you to know I am really kinda furious about this.
You are killing trees & totally disrespecting my good name all at once.
And then like, throwing it in my face.
Or my mailbox.
Same thing since I have to take it out of my mailbox and read it.
I don’t even have an “unsubscribe” button on this shit.

Believe you me, when I call to pay my overdue bill,
I shall be speaking to a representative in an authoritative tone and I will ask for all of their supervisors until I am given some shit for free cause that’s the only reason to call and bitch to people.
Free shit.
It’s not like you guys are going to call up every insurance company you sold my information to and be like, “Hey guys, this one girl, Merrisaross Ross, yeah, don’t send her anymore great deals.”
PLEASE JUST SAY IT ALOUD.
MERRISAROSS ROSS.
Or like Traveler’s Insurance addressed me,
ROSS MERRISAROSS.
Which although is equally as retarded, does actually make more sense. I bet whoever was there was like “Damn, this person’s name cannot be Merrisaross Ross… I bet it’s a dude named Ross…”
WELL, YOU WERE ALL WRONG!!!

Also, just found out you guys can only pay online via Firefox thanks to my man, McG. Well, I’ve got news for you. YOUR SHIT IS ALL SORTS OF AT LEAST SIX MONTHS OUTDATED! HOW DO YOU EVEN FUNCTION IN LIFE WITHOUT CHROME?! WHAT? YOU GOT AN AOL ACCOUNT TOO?! MANNNN, GO FUCK YOURSELFZ! SELLING OUR ADDRESSES! MAKING OUR LIVES HARDER BY NOT BEING ABLE TO USE CHROME! SHIT’S WACK! AND I AM MEGA SAD AT YOU!!! :(

Bet you didn’t think you’d run into me
on Tuesday afternoon with my coozy full, did you?!


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CAUSE I’M REAL.

22 03 2010

From March Sixteenth, Two Thousand & Ten
& STILL TRUE, YA’ALLZ!!!


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I Have Nothing To Contribute To The World Today. :(

22 03 2010

So, I just tried to go from
MEGA WORK MODE to
MEGA CLEAN MODE to
MEGA BLOG MODE!!!
And my brain like, ran out of gas. It just stopped flipping through tabs and just clunked out on YouTube for awhile and I was suddenly like, wow, this is how working moms or something must feel ya know? It’s like I’m doing my best to keep the wine in my glass & the $100 speciality diet Zissou needs in his fucking bowl while keeping a clean house for a clear mind after the weekend leaves it looking like a warzone bombed by Dudefriend’s boxers (& other stuff, he was doing laundry) AND THEN I’M JUST TRYING TO JUST GET CREATIVE FOR A MINUTE AND MY BRAIN’S LIKE “NAH, IT’S COOL!” WELL IT’S NOT COOL! BECAUSE THIS IS ALL I HAVE, ALRIGHT?! THIS STUPID BLOG! THIS IS IT! I AM A GROWN WOMAN NOW! I AM BUSY! I HAVE REAL JOBS AND I HAVE A HOME AND I HAVE A CHILD (THAT’S A DOG [STILL COUNTS]).

And I’ve only been twenty four for like, four days.
Life comes at you hard kids, just make sure you’ve got your gloves on.

LOL I DON’T THINK THAT MADE SENSE!
I AM DELICIOUS!
UH… DELIRIOUS!
THE ‘R’ & ‘C’ ARE NEXT TO EACH OTHER!
GOD YOU’D THINK THAT WAS A COMMON MISTAKE!
See that?
See how I used caps to accentuate my manic behavior?
You probably just thought I was yelling.
WELL YOU WERE WRONG!
But there,
definitely yelling.
But kinda playfully, lol.

Damn, being sober and productive all day really did a number on me!
It’s like yeah, being a lady is cool and all
but I really miss just fuckin’ around all day.
It’s really just like, I guess this is growing up!

Sidenote: the ‘R’ & the ‘C’ are nowhere near each other.
Not sure how I decided that but it’s written and
THE INTERNET NEVER FORGETS.


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BEING BORN RULEZ!

19 03 2010

A lot of people have been asking how my birthday party went.
Well, to be honest,
I’m too hung over to write too much about it.
So, I found a video that captured
the true essence of my twenty fourth birthday:

Like on the reals guys, so popular!
I had like a line of people waiting to buy me drinks!
I’m like damn, how can I make every night my birthday?!

#SHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHOTS

This was like right before I smacked a cholo in the face
& almost got my ass beat along with
the most ignorant forty minute conversation of my life
where supposedly, I was being “taught a lesson”.
Yeah, cholos.
Teaching lessons, guys.
Anything’s possible on your birthday.


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Put Down That Outback Giftcard Cause I’ve Got A Way Better Gift Idea For You!

18 03 2010

So, I figured a lot of you have been totally freaking about
what to give the girl who seems to have everything
except a cash flow from the blog she spends too much time on
and I decided I would help you out.

Alright, this will be the best present in the world
& it really won’t cost you anything
yet, it may be the most valuable thing you can give.

HA!
Someone toss me a green unitard & call me the Riddler
cause I need someone to go to the DMV for me.

On the real, I don’t have time for it & my license expired 12 hours ago. Yeah, sure, you can say I probably should have paid more attention to the mail I was carelessly throwing away when I had the chance to do it via snail mail like a month ago but WHATEVER! Nothing I can do about it now aside for ask for someone to donate their time to this great cause for my birthday now is there?


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The Last Moments Of My Early Twenties.

17 03 2010

Bet you think I’m RAAAAGGGING for St. Patrick’s Day.
More like LOUUUNNNGGING/pouting.
Gotta horizontally max out tonight
in prep for tomorrow/get all the tears out.

SO MATURE AT 23.9999 YEARS OLD!

Speaking of tomorrow,
This is my last hour as
an average twenty three year old with exceptional hair.
In an hour, I will become
an average twenty four year old with exceptional hair.

Just wanted to say thanks everybody, it’s been a great time not actualizing my dreams to be a mega babe on the cover of Nylon with a S550 in the circular drive of my 1970′s mint-teal Palm Springs pad, but hey, you know, I feel like there is a lot of wisdom that comes with growing up.
Like I’m totally cool just aiming for thirty now.
That’s fine, thirty’s like the new twenty one or something, right?
I dunno, let’s just read the last Jen Aniston interview & subtract ten years to whatever “oh see middled aged isn’t old!” bullshit they try to pass off a good plastic surgeon as. By their logic, I’m like nine so I feel like I have my WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF ME ALL OVER AGAIN!

See, wisdom.
& I’ve got forty six minutes to go.

You know,
you improvise.
You adapt.
You overcome.

That shit comes with age.
I’m talking about
“getting” your dad’s favorite Clint Eastwood quotes, of course.


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GPOYW: My Hip Bounce Board Edition.

17 03 2010

I KNOW YOU’RE ALL DYING TO KNOW
WHAT I TOOK TO RECORD CLUB LAST NIGHT.
I KNOW YOU’RE ALL LIKE SO MAD I DIDN’T UPDATE LAST NIGHT
WHEN I WAS DRUNK & HAD GOOD THINGS TO SAY!
Buuuuut I didn’t.
But I did take this photo for you!

HEY EVERYBODY COME SEE HOW GOOD I LOOK ON THIS MAC CAM WITH MY SHITTY LIGHTING REFLECTING OFF MY RECORD!

And yes, that photo was totally on accident! LOL!
I was planning on smiling & holding the record up for some cheese
but you know when you like,
miscalculate the three seconds Photobooth gives you?
I dunno sometimes it’s just the shit you think you fucked up
that ends up making your good side actually look good at 2am.

And yeah, I know,
BLAH BLAH BLAH I THOUGHT WE ALREADY WENT OVER THIS!
GIRLS IS SO LAST YEAR! SNOBS WILL PIG NOSE YOU! BLAH!

Which under any other circumstances would have been true except I’m basically the only music blog aficionado left to say pretentious things (which, I WOULD! HAAAA). This also means that everyone I would have wanted to impress with the HEAT(!) I was planning on taking last night wasn’t around either and I definitely didn’t want to waste that shit on two-bit architects & scary Asian dudes.

I just don’t need to show off to two-bit architects & scary Asian dudes!!!
They’re going to interrupt my convos with
“WHAT DO YOU DO”z all night anyway
and have their minds blown when I tell them
I am actually an engineer for NASA, NOT a model.

So, it’s like, whatever.
I don’t need a bomb LP to know I’ve got that shit in the bag.


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