Tangents & The Times

A lot like David After The Dentist,
but with less talking
& more sleeping on pillows
but just as much confusion
& adorableness.

Do you guys ever look at a picture
& think to yourself,
“Wow, this is my future”?

What about now?
Yeah?
Me too.

Today is the one year anniversary of the torrid eight hour love affair I had with Shia LaBeouf at the Troubador. For the past year, I have kept relatively mum about the incident unless I am drunk.

In which case, I love reveling in the fact that for one night, JUST ONE VERY IMPORTANT NIGHT, I had the best game in the game.

I’m not drunk now (oooo surprised, aren’t ya?! Believe me if I knew of a bar open at 8am with free wifi I’d be all over it) but I have come to accept the fact that Shia & I will never be, which is kinda hard to believe when you think about how in love with me (drunk) he was that night. I mean, he convinced like numerous people we were married with a son named Tommy. And I probably would have received the shit out of him all night (even though he claimed he just wanted to watch Rushmore & “snuggle” when I told him I wasn’t taking him home). And speaking of which, I totally would have taken him home if his friends didn’t cockblock me / have the best interests of their walking Steven Spielberg franchise in mind.

But I digress…

I just wanted to let the world know
I’M COOL WITH IT.
Ya know, like, it’s OKAY.
It doesn’t make me any less of a person that when we texted later that week, he thought I was Emile Hirsch. Or that when he saw me like two months later he like blatantly ignored me and then recognized he was doing it and told me “not to take it personally” and I was drunk so I did the only logical thing and got in my car and cried. Or that a year later he hasn’t realized I am the coolest girl in the fucking world.
I’M OKAY WITH ALL THIS.

Dudefriend, I’m sorry, I know you will probably hate this if you decide your “I live this shit & you tell me all the jokes you write anyway” isn’t the same as reading my incredible art,
BUT I JUST GOTTA LET IT GO.
IN PUBLIC.
THIS IS HOW PEOPLE GET BETTER RIGHT ?!
THEY WRITE BOOKS & GO ON OPRAH.
But I didn’t have a mountain.
I had a newsroom and a camera.
Wait…
I mean, I didn’t have a book either.
I have a blog.
And 400+ Twitter followers.

&… it’s like, totally his loss!

Well, guys, tomorrow is the big day.
The day I finally grow up
& get with my own program.
Tomorrow,
I get
TIME WARNER HIGH SPEED INTERNET!!!

The past two & half weeks have been spent in a total frenzy- constantly trekking between Dudefriend’s house and Fix coffee, with occasion pit stops for showers & Morning Star Buffalo Wings at my house.

Sorry my blogs have been so half-assy.
My brain has just been all over the place.
I think once I get internetz at my house and I can make a schedule for myself, I won’t be so frazzled and will able to think of things longer than nineteen line breaks with more substance than a fourteen year old on Xanga. PROMISE.

But, just so you guys know,
I am officially working on the social media campaigns for
Intent.com, which is Mallika Chopra’s amazing wellness site
& for Wildfox Couture, basically the only clothing line that matters
soooo, uhhhh, YEAH I’M FEELIN’ LIKE MONTELL IN ’94 FUH SHO!

I say ’94 because I’m definitely not ’95 Montell.
I feel like Montell had to have known he was getting shit done in ’94. In “This Is How We Do It” he talks about being poor in ’94 & that he blew up in ’95.
I’m definitely not like having bitches in gold bikinis give me lap dances in Aruba while pouring Pina Coladas down my chest yet but I mean, I’m getting shit done.
I may not be rich but god daaaaammmn, I am well dressed.

I feel like one of those kids who are falling asleep while walking out of Disneyland after the fireworks and then they suddenly wake up pulling into their garage, completely devoid of any recollection of making it from the line at Haunted Mansion to the family Sequoia, let alone the two hours spent lifelessly hanging over the constraints of their car seat straining their necks and foreshadowing the years they’ll eventually end up spending hunched over a computer.

I FEEL YA.

Sooooo exhausted.
Except I was just on the internet all day & am not going to wake up to a new life sized Pumba I nearly forgot I cried until my parents bought me.
And then I’m going to wake up
& do it all over again.

SO NOW THIS IS GROWING UP
DUH NUHHH NUHHH
DUN NUHHH NUHHH.