Out Of Blog Reply: College Vacayyy.

27 02 2010

Dear Loyal Readers,
Just wanted to let you know I’m in Santa Cruz visiting my little sister at college for her nineteenth birthday. I would be worried about her turning nineteen based on my own experiences at this tender age but she’s still in school and somehow has no apparent interest in uppers so I’m okay with it.

I wish I had to make bears right now because it would make working in the bathroom seem a lot more like “multi-tasking” instead of what it actually is- a shitty hotel room with no electrical outlets anywhere else,
which by the way,
WHAT THE HELL?!

Hey “inn” that doubles as a “motor lodge” & “crack house” that fit in my 1099 budget, thanks for the free internet but if I can’t charge my computer, it doesn’t really do me much good now does it?! It’s kind of like giving me free coffee & then not having any cream…

Oh, wait.
I am also living that freelance nightmare.

Okay, I need to finish some work & then go get stoned & roam a forest with my peace core loving sibling or some shit since that’s apparently what the kids are up to these days.

I will give you guys a full update of my time at college upon my return on Sunday SUNDAY SUUUNNNNDAYYYYYYYY.

See you soon!
Best regards!
Read old posts no one gave a shit about back in the day but you’ll probably really enjoy and share with your friends and then have inside blog jokes while I’m gone!

Affectionately,
Marissa >..<


Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags:
Categories : Tangents & The Times

MY FANS GET ME.

25 02 2010


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags:
Categories : Tangents & The Times

GPOYW: Moms & Cats Edition.

24 02 2010

Today I went & visited my mom, good ‘ole Gail.
She is a recovering cat lady.
When I moved out to smoke weed & waste money (“go to college”) she had this gnar month of empty nest syndrome where she went to get A CAT for my sister’s birthday & came back with THREE CATS, putting the Ross residence at a total of five cats.

That was like five years ago & I’m happy to report that my mother now only has three cats & no longer spends days on end locked in her room with them. She now has a very active lifestyle that includes babysitting the most adorable child I’ve seen in forevvverrr (granted I am NEVER around children to begin with cause I was under the impression I hated them but OMG this one made me want to pop one out), volunteering for a charity for Autistic & Down Syndrome children three days a week, dancing on Tuesdays and being escorted about town by millionaires that want to spoil her rotten & she won’t let. She’s the cutest and I love her so much.

Marissa Ann & Gail Ann.

And her cats are pretty rad too.

Burlioz!

Ellie!

And then this cat, belongs to my sister.
She’s had it for like nine years
and she’s a bitch.

Fuckin' Dinah.

The cat,
not my sister.

I know that in this picture Dinah just looks like she has dead eyes but I assure you getting this picture taken was not an easy feat. She just like, wouldn’t listen to reason. I was like, DINAH WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?! BURLIOZ & ELLIE WERE COOL, STOP ACTING LIKE KIRSTIE ALLEY!
But she wouldn’t and scratched the shit out of me. :(

Aside from that it was a totally cool day.
I bought my mom sushi & she was like,
“Aw, you’re an adult.”
& I was like,
“Aw, you have no idea I’m an alcoholic.”


Comments : 4 Comments »
Tags: , , ,
Categories : GPOYW, Tangents & The Times

ALRIGHT. I Will (Maybe) Lay Off The ChatRoulette After This Screen Shot.

24 02 2010

It’s just great because
the last two lines are him mocking me
because I definitely told that bro to chill on the mic since he wasn’t letting me even type a word in edgewise. God damn angsty, titty hungry teens and their mad copy & paste skills.

I also definitely told him,
“Yeah, that’s fine but can you not f9 me just yet?
Like can you give me a second?”
And he did give me that second
And then I screenshotted this & then
I F9′D THE SHIT OUTTA HIM!
HA! WHO’S F-YOU’ING WHO NOW BIIIITTTCCHHH!
That’s definitely what I said to myself while they were finding me a new stranger to enlighten with my truths of life & gems of the mind.

You Can Click This & It Gets BIGGER. Just Sayin'.

“Lack of tits”.
Psh. Obviously this guy does not read blogs otherwise he would have seen my sweet tits post and maybe been like “Hey, yeah, that’s great- your tits ARE bigger than the girls I’m in seventh grade with!” and I’d be like, “Thanks!” :)

Oh well.
Not everyone is going to think you have sweet tits in your life time. This is a truth I’ve come to know quite well in my nearly [gulp] twenty four years. But you know, you deal with it. You get a sense of humor & a blog & you COPE!

But do not stuff your bikini with your mom’s shoulder pads.
That’s not a good idea.
Blogs > stuffed bikinis.
TRUST.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Tangents & The Times

Hey Guys, Don’t Forget I Love Wine & Have Tits & Don’t Give A Shit It Ain’t Wednesday.

23 02 2010

No really, I don’t know if you guys know this,
but I seriously JUST got boobs
like six months ago.
I literally JUST grew out of the bras I’ve had since SEVENTH GRADE.
NOT JOKING EITHER!
Even Dudefriend was like,
“Whoa, are you hiding babies cause your tits are so sweet now.”
& I was like,
“Nah, I’m just like a woman now, not an anorexic nineteen year old ‘actress’.”
& he was like,
“AWESOME!”

COPY & PASTE THE TITLE HERE KBYE.

I spent like a good fifteen minutes on my Photobooth doing this.
And when I say fifteen minutes,
I totally mean forty.

PS. Did you see how that’s a Facebook status update?
That’s because I AM ON FACEBOOK.
Just like your mom!
(It’s funny cause it’s true.)


Comments : 4 Comments »
Tags:
Categories : Tangents & The Times

Hey Guys, Don’t Forget You Can Use ChatRoulette To Educate People Around The World.

23 02 2010

After spending the last day and a half
exploring the mind fuck that is ChatRoulette,
I have decided that it really isn’t that bad.
And not only is it not that bad,
I think we could really use ChatRoulette
FOR GOOD.

Once you get past the fact you’re going to have to skip past a few penises,
(um like you’ve never been to a gas station in Bakersfield? I mean, whatevz not even a big deal & okay, let’s pretend you’re not from California & have never been to Bakersfield, you know you’ve been to at least one shit hole creepy gas station with penis magazines in your life & if you haven’t, you’re either lying or you’re nine in which case how are you literate & why are you on my blog?)
then you can see ChatRoulette for what it is:
AN EDUCATIONAL TOOL!!!

For reals guys, like today after I did half a day’s work & went to the gym, I had some free time before this coffee date I’m now on with my model friend Brenda (um yeah, I’m dropping that shit, I look cool right now!!!).
And you know how I used that free time?
Oh, you know, just totally
LAID SOME KNOWLEDGE ON SOME PARISIAN HOUSE PARTY!

Yep, it was like this room full of French college students
and they were like, WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH LOS ANGELES!

And I was like,
“Here, I will show you.”
And then I was like,
PUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!
And they were like,
“WHAT IS THAT?!”
And I was like,
“MARIJUANA!”

So, then I got to teach them all about how marijuana is kind of legal here but is totally illegal all at once but for a hundred dollars, you can pay someone to pretend that you are allowed to legally have it. I also told them about how Los Angeles is a dreamworld where you can be anything you want, like a professional Twitter-er, where you work from home & hang out with models & fluffy dogs at sweet coffee shops in your free designer gear because you can manifest anything!!!

AND THEY WERE LIKE,
“LOS ANGELES RULEZ!!!”
AND I WAS LIKE,
“I KNOWWWWWW!!!”

& then
WE DANCED!!!

I’m going to take this moment now and ask you,
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR THE WORLD TODAY?!
Probably nothing. You’re probably fucking around on Buzzfeed looking for something impressive to AIM to that bitch you’ve been chatting up, not making a difference while there are selfless people like me getting stoned & sharing culture with THE WORLD.


Comments : 3 Comments »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Tangents & The Times

CHATROULETTE SCARES ME.

22 02 2010

DUN DUN DUNNN

LIKE SERIOUS GUYS.
IT’S A FACE.
YOU CAN’T JUST LIKE CLICK OUT OF A FACE.
This ain’t no AOL chat room sesh at a seventh grade slumber party.
You don’t just X out and forget A FUCKING FACE!

– - -

UPDATE 6:15pm

& for the record, Rocky is special.

I meant ‘face’ as in it’s really personal.
Like, that shit is FOR REAL.
IT’S THEIR FACE! IT’S A PERSON! A REAL ONE!

I don’t judge people by their faces (aside from friends’ boyfriends’ ex-girlfriends).

- – -

UPDATE 7:14 pm

I LOVE THIS HAHAHHAHAHAAAAA


Comments : 4 Comments »
Tags: ,
Categories : Tangents & The Times

AND THIS IS LITERALLY ON MY TIME WARNER BILL.

20 02 2010

How does this even happen?
How does one with common sense
actually type this into a computer
& think to themselves this is correct?

UMMMMM, WHO?

Or at least not ask, “What the fuck was wrong with your parents?!”
if not, “Now, let me get this again, your name is Merrisaross Ross?”


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Tangents & The Times

THIS IS LITERALLY ON DUDEFRIEND’S W2.

19 02 2010

UMMMMM,
if there was ever a question of why this dude is Dudefriend,
I think this is the answer.

HOLY SHIT.

Tonight is the first time I can really think
that I have ever truly thought,
“Damn, I really think you could be the first dude to figure out I’m an alcoholic bum but ‘try to work it out’ because you ‘get’ me and then ten years down the line realize although I’m a mousey artsy babe with a sketchy past and a bright future, you need someone who doesn’t ‘self-medicate’ all day locked in her room blogging and divorce the shit outta me.”


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Dudefriend, Tangents & The Times

Devastation Station On Tha A.Ross Ego Express Ya’Allz.

19 02 2010

I just read in this article about love & shit that:
“a ’10′ is a ’7′ who will stand by you.”

This is devastating.
This means I’m a “9″ that’s really a “4 1/2″ who will make you laugh.

BUT I ALWAYS DREAMED OF GETTING BY ON DASHING GOOD LOOKS!

Oh, well.
At least I have these
hibiscus earrings with diamondz in the middle to pull me through.

OOOOOO! AHHHHHH!

And Olan Mills poses.

I feel like the hibiscus earrings & the poses
are at least,
half a point each.

A “9″ that’s really a “5 1/2″ who makes you laugh
is much, much better.
I’ve made it to the better side of “middle of the road”
by a trip to the local strip mall.


Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags:
Categories : Tangents & The Times

HEY GUYS I MADE IT!

19 02 2010

I appreciate all the well wishes you didn’t give me.
Luckily, no thanks to you unsupportive assholes,
I MADE THE BEST APRON OF ALL TIME.

Okay, maybe that’s a little extreme.
It is an alright apron.
Which is better than a shitty apron, which is what I thought I was going to end up producing when I began that voyage into my future-middle-aged-self’s idea of “a fun night” last night.
But all my mad Girl Scout skillz came back like it was yesterday once we popped out some fur trim and a bottle of whiskey.
Maybe Girl Scouts is like riding a bike, ya know?
And now I’ve gotten my eleven year old craft capabilities back.

ANYWAY, back to the apron.

I took into consideration the fact that I would never actually use an apron aside from the occasional role playing (maybe it’d be fun to get off on pretending I’m a skillful & domesticated wife with an insatiable appetite for some back door love while bent over the oven, who knows) and decided the only logical thing to do with an apron would be give it to my incredibly culinary Dudefriend.

Although,
upon receiving this fine gift,
Dudefriend exclaimed
“OH BOY! A HOLSTER FOR MY GAT!”

TOO gangsta.

Pretty cute & girly, huh?
It doesn’t even look half bad
in a shitty picture taken
on a shitty refurbished Blackberry.

Then you get a little closer
& you want to puke.

LOLZ

I mean,
LOOK AT THOSE JANKY ASS PATCHWORKZ!
So embarrassing.
But I had to give it to him.
I couldn’t very well give it to like my dad or something with love notes written after six glasses of fancy berry beer on it. And I can’t justify throwing it out or something. And I can’t imagine like giving it to a thrift store and some hipster picking it up and being like “LOL THIS IS GOING TO BE SO IRONIC!” (in his heart cause in his head he’s like, “This is so cool, it’s totally like what I was kinda looking for on Etsy the other day” [pulls out a pack of American Spirits]) and wear it to his shitty bbqs when Dudefriend could wear it at our awesome bbqZ as a token of my love.
Plus I burnt the shit outta of my finger with the hot glue.
Couldn’t have that go in vain.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , , , ,
Categories : Dudefriend, Tangents & The Times

WISH ME LUCK.

18 02 2010

Tonight, I am going to a Ladies’ Night.
This is a Ladies’ craft night.
Um, do you know how much talent I have outside of my brain spaces when it comes to creativity? Oh, right.
NONE.
I am so not crafty.
We’re making aprons.
Keep in mind I do not cook.
Keep in mind I couldn’t be the only one on the Facebook thread that was like,
“HAY CAN WE LIKE, NOT MAKE APRONS? I’M SORRY IT’S JUST LIKE, I’M THE VULGAR DRUNK ONE WITH THE JOKES SO I’M NOT LIKE, GOOD AT THESE SORTS OF GIRL SCOUT ADVENTURES. CAN WE LIKE, JUST PLAY THE DAZED & CONFUSED DRINKING GAME? LOL!”


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags:
Categories : Tangents & The Times

I Seriously Was Just Outside For Ten Minutes Looking For This Asshole:

18 02 2010



Such a bum, seriously. Hiding in my bedding, escaping all the chores I have lined up for him today. It’s like, bro, all I asked of you was to grab the dark load out of the washer, hang the delicates and sweep the kitchen. Considering um, I pay for your food, your housing, your Medicaid and the bones to keep you busy you refuse to have anything to do with unless I am watching you do it (thus defeating the purpose, dick) it doesn’t seem like a lot to just, you know, HELP A LITTLE. GAWD. YOU’RE TURNING THIRTY FIVE IN LIKE TWO WEEKS. CUT YOUR HAIR. GET A JOB. UGH.

It’s days like these I wish he had better listening skills.
Since my, “FINE Z, I’LL PICK UP THE SLACK.
LET ME WORK MY TWO JOBS
AND DO ALL THE CHORES.
NO IT’S TOTALLY COOL.
YOU JUST KEEP SLEEPING & SHITTING.
AND I’LL KEEP PETTING YOU & CARRYING A POOP BAG,
YOU JERK.”
is just going through one ear & out the other.


Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags: ,
Categories : Tangents & The Times

GPOYW: Story Of My Life Edition.

17 02 2010

Hi,
My name is Marissa and I have really long hair. I’ve had really long hair for a good portion of my life & everyone is always pretty jealous of it & I always want to tell them about the implications of having long hair.
That it literally gets into EVERYTHING.
Including the glasses of your sparkling Pinot Noir.

UHHH REALLY?! ... Yeah.

& if it’s not in your Pinot Noir,
it’s definitely stuck to your lip gloss.
And then once it has the gloss on it, it really gets stuck just about anywhere,
like on your face
and then you have lip gloss on your cheeks and shit just looks funky.
And even if you are lucky enough not to get gloss on it,
you’re going to get caught in some flannel clad local bro’s
untamed facial pubes.
Just sayin’ guys,
handling this mane ain’t all Herbal Essences commercials.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , ,
Categories : GPOYW, Tangents & The Times

PANDA-MONIUM!: The Link Between Humans & Pandas.

17 02 2010

After watching this video, I have come upon a serious scientific break through that I am incredibly proud to announce to world & have received on this blog so it finally blows the fuck up & I am revered for the fucking GENIUS I am.

My breakthrough is that we are not from monkeys.
We are from
PANDAS!
The evidence is overwhelming & shocking!
I mean, just look at that video.
Captive male Pandas are lazy gluttons who have to watch porn to get off & engage in some experimental sexy times with their homies.
Ummmmm, HI.
Does that not sound like
78% of the married (captive, per se?) men in this country?
Or even just like 78% of the men in this country!
Think about it! Our society is filled with fat, lazy fucks who don’t have sex with their wives and jerk off to porn inbetween reruns of Roseanne and episodes of the O’Reily Factor.

& of course the females don’t like that kind of personality.
How the hell are you supposed to want be the log that lump humps
for 30 seconds to a couple minutes?
Like, what’s the point? I’d be like
CUT YOUR HAIR, GET A JOB!
STOP TALKING ABOUT GLENN BECK YOU ASSHOLE…
YEAH THAT MEANS WE’RE NOT PROCREATING!

& then of course, the males aren’t going to like that personality.
Who likes a woman who talks back?
Uh, NO ONE.
They’re like, WTF IS WRONG WITH GLENN BECK?!
WHAT, NOW YOU’RE GOING TO TELL ME YOU VOTED FOR OBAMA!
YOU AREN’T WORTH THE SEMEN LING LING SHITS OUT!

And then the female is like,
Whoaaaaaa. Hold up wait a minute,
why is Ling Ling shitting semen?

And then the male is like,
NO-HOMO!

& that concludes my case study on (YouTube) the greatest scientific discovery since the beginning of time. I also feel like I should get a Nobel Peace Prize for finally settling what will be taught in schools in regards to Evolution since, obviously, Pandas and humans are undoubtedly related. So, put down your Bibles and your unauthorized Dian Fossey biographies kids because ya’allz are going to start reading my blog on the reg’ for all its universal truths and its incredible use of vocabulary, syntax & straight up facts,
BITCHES.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , , , , ,
Categories : Tangents & The Times, Video

« Previous Entries


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 117 other followers