I don’t know why I thought today would be different.
Maybe because it’s a Tuesday at 2:13 pm and I’m at home?
Maybe because I’m tired of looking at job ads?
Maybe because I just got off my period?
Who knows.
But for one reason or another,
I thought when I clicked on a link for
“Cosmo’s Easy Sex Positions”
they’d show me something other than what I’ve been reading out of that poor-excuse-for-trash magazine since I was eleven.
Hey, Cosmo, just because you changed the name to “G Spot Jiggy” doesn’t mean it’s not “Doggy Style” and don’t try to convince me “The Dirty Dangle” is actually a move when we both know its really just when your man is going at you hard enough you start falling off the bed. That’s not fun, that’s really fucking uncomfortable. You want to know how I know this? Because it happens and I’m definitely not thinking, “Oh fuck yeah, my neck is killing me as my head fills with blood this is SOOO sexy!”
I’m actually saying, out loud,
“OWWWWW BABY I’VE GOT A CRICK IN MY NECK!”
Which, on the sexy bedtalk scale, is leaning towards a queef.
And the other ones that aren’t already tucked away in my tool belt are made for Dominque Moceanu. If I could actually hold my left leg straight up in the air let alone extend my right leg out at a ninety degree angle, believe you me I’d be doing a hell of a lot more with my career than sitting in front of a computer for sixteen hours a day.
And I’m not talking about gymnastics.
Definitely talking about stripping.
