So, there has been a serious on-going debate since last night between Dudefriend and myself. We have reached a stand-still
and I feel the only recourse left is
to turn this over to the public for deliberation
and vote as to whose fault it is
that I put my foot in the toilet last night.
First of all, keep in mind this is a completely separate occurrence than when I dropped my phone in the toilet at El Prado earlier that evening, although both toilets were clean and unsoiled. That’s only similarity. Minus the fact I had multiple extremities in toilets last night (WTFFF btw?!).
Alright so here’s my take on what I can remember from the event.
So, Dudefriend and I get home from the bar
and I am getting ready to hit the hay.
Dudefriend went pee while I put my pajamz.
So, then I go into the bathroom and I’m brushing my teeth.
Now sometimes when I brush my teeth,
I kinda Captain Morgan my toilet, ya know
I put my one foot up on the lid.
This is something I have done many times that maybe SOMEONE hasn’t ever seen me do because he’s not always in the bathroom with me every time I freaking brush my teeth.
ANYWAY
I go to put my foot on top of the toilet and instead
I fucking put my foot IN the toilet
BECAUSE SOMEONE LEFT THE FUCKING TOILET UP.
I mean, obviously I was so used to doing this action I didn’t even bother to look down because hello, I always put the seat down.
So, in my best judgement,
it’s DUDEFRIEND’s fault my foot went in the toilet!!!
LIKE DUH!!!
Like oh, all of a sudden we’ve been dating for like forever and now he can just start leaving the toilet seat up whenever he feels like it like maybe there won’t be any repercussions for an innocent party who is used to having the seat down.
Dudefriend has issued the following statement on the evening:
People of the Planet,
Friends of the Forest,
Sultans of the Sea,We live in a country founded on self-determination and for that reason I refuse to accept blame for Marissa’s sodden appendage. For my innocence, like many of my past kinsmen who have been blamed for such incidents, is as thick as early morning ocean mist making babies with the LA smog.
I don’t think anyone could or is willing to spend as much time with Marissa A. Ross as myself. From such acquired time together, I have NEVER seen Marissa “Captain Morgan” anything – especially the mentioned toilet. Speaking of, who the fuck “Captain Morgan”s things – especially a toilet. Was she trying to seductively scrub her foaming mouth while hunched over with Coloniel Kitty cleavage “Captain Morgan”s style? That should be called the boner eliminator.
Secondly, who is truly to blame here? Let’s recap Marissa’s evening from when we met at the bar:
- At the bar, Marissa is showing signs of a stimulant, my guess – Midol.
- A glass breaks at the bar, I turnaround to see Marissa’s rosy cheeks grinning with the “I didn’t do it because I’m so cute face.” Lies…
- Moments later, Marissa emerges from the bathroom with toilet sodden Blackberry and a soaking arm to match.
- On the drive home, Marissa decides it would be fun to drive in the middle of the road instead of the LADOT ruled lanes.As we are home brushing our teeth, I hear the noise of a submerged appendage. I turn around to see Marissa’s foaming mouth gritted with grief and a soaking wet foot of despair.
So I ask you this, who is to blame? Is it the drunken boracha with an appetite for danger and a seemingly hidden fetish for toilet bowl water or is it her kind, peaceful partner who left the seat up?
-DudeFriend
(LOL I TOTALLY FORGOT I BROKE THAT GLASS!)
Ahem,
So, there you have it folks.
Two lovers, two sides, ONE BLOG
&
One poll
FOR
ONE ANSWER.
You’re totally losing the poll, btw.
I KNOW! you guys weren’t there. you guys don’t get it.
I don’t understand how you didn’t at east hit the lip with your foot
we don’t ask questions that make sense around here, bennum.
*least
dudefriend’s response gets him off the hook. BUT put the effing seat down. also… borracha has two Rs (sorry, i’m like that).
let the records show that “captain morganing” things is totally acceptable… necessary, even. i have to have a leg hiked up somehow. sometimes, i “captain morgan” my stationary leg.
yeahhhh, his statement kicked mine’s ass.
& THANK YOU. see i knew i wasn’t the only one who “captain morgan”s shit.
UMMM….. YOU FORGOT TO MENTION THAT YOU HIT ME IN THE EYE BALL!
shhh! that’s a secret for tomorrow’s blog!
ps. imsorryiloveyou3000
I was 50/50 from the start. Using the captain Morgan as a verb put Marissa ahead, but dudefriends super eloquent manifesto using terms like boner eliminator and boracha gives him the win.
i’m never letting him actually contribute again.
oh my god this is the funniest thing ive ever read. this is an incredibly complex case, even without all the mitigating circumstances… mariss- i have seen you captain morgan things… or if i haven’t, i can picture it no problem, it makes perfect sense to me that you would do this while brushing your teeth, it goes along with your cartoon presence. … ben- leaving the toilet seat up? really? i thought your mother was a strong presence in your life. tsk. but mariss you do sound wasted. i cant believe you drove you sinner. however in conclusion- the toilet seat should always be down. i vote for you mariss. even tho i already placed my vote for ben.
well beks, thanks for laughing & for leading me on only to support that guy. psh.
[...] Fine. I’m linking back to the toilet incident. But only because [...]
[...] sometimes act like an insecure drunk high school girl. Not like I’m saying I’ve never put my foot in my own toilet. Just sayin’ you should try not [...]
THIS is the first time in my life that I’ve read something online and WEPT with laughter. TEARS, people, TEARS.. Pouring down my cheeks as I’m trying to suppress laughter at 6am. This shit made my week.
Thank you so so much, I can’t tell you how much that means to me! <3