Tangents & The Times

& it’s all this broad’s fault!!!

OKAY.
I just had this awkward moment with a coworker.
Now, let me explain first that my office is way in the back so for me to make a move to go to the bathroom, it’s like, everyone knows I’m going. I have to walk through the entire office. Anyway, I go to go to the bathroom but the keys are gone.

My coworker says, “Oh, yeah, there’s only one key today
and someone’s probably in there, just go wait.”

Accordingly, I go off for half a minute like WTF how do all our bathroom keys go missing?! I don’t even understand it. We have to get new ones like every week. Who takes them and why? Why do they need the bathroom key THAT BAD? Are they trying to covertly use it, make bears on the sly perhaps? Or do I work with weird klepto hoarders? I don’t know but it fucking bothers me.

But the suggestion to go wait was logical so I’m about to go do just that when the girls with the key come in and my coworker gets up and says, “I kinda have to go too, Marissa, let’s just go.”

& she takes the key
& I just stand there.
Because I really did not
want to go to the bathroom with her
Because she’s a pee talker.

NOT KIDDING.

No, I’m serious.
If you ever think it’s appropriate,
YOU ARE SORELY MISTAKEN. There is never an appropriate time to talk while you’re relieving yourself. By the sinks, fine. whatevz. We both have our pants on. But once one of us has locked ourselves inside our solitary sanitation stations, the dialogue desists. IT’S OVER, ALRIGHT?! I don’t care how much you love boots or how cheap you got those Jimmy Choo’s because you’re taking a piss & I can’t even afford them on sale so as far as I am concerned, this convo is moot.

UGH and it is especially awkward with her. I don’t even like talking to her when I’m fully clothed so you can imagine my tension listening to her bodily functions echo as she talks about the college marching band she’s still a part of although she graduated like two years ago (you don’t even know & that’s a tangent you’re gonna buy the book for, believe you me).

Anyway, so I just look at her and say,
“You know… I think I’m going to wait.”
Understandably puzzled, she asks why.
And I’m just standing there & now the other girls
who brought back the bathroom key are standing there,
all giving me “Huh?” looks.

So I say, “Well, uh… I should finish my green tea first actually… you know… otherwise I’ll just have to… you know… go again…”

She gave me an “Uhhh, okayyy…”
and I slunk allll the wayyy back to my office
where I am sitting now
HAVING TO PEE SOOOOO BAD
BUT NOW IT’S NOT LIKE
I CAN GO BACK OUT THERE!
NO WAY!
NOT FOR LIKE, AT LEAST TWENTY MINUTES!
She’ll think I needed to make some mad bears or something!
And she’d tell everyone!

She’d be like
“Dude, Marissa had to poop”
WHICH ISN’T TRUE!!!
I JUST HATE HER!!!!
THERE IS SUCH A DIFFERENCE!!!!