GPOYW: “Suburban Beverage”

30 12 2009

Alright, so “Gratituous Picture Of Yourself Wednesday” is this tradition started on Tumblr but no one gives a shit about me on Tumblr so I’m doing it right here,
LIVE
FROM MY WORDPRESS PLATFORM.

For my first GPOYW, I wanted something that really epitomized
MARISSA A. ROSS.
Who I am, where I came from, what I stand for.
And I think this picture from my hometown over the holiday fits the bill.

Budweiser, Sprite, Do You Feel Alright?

This was Saturday in Downtown Upland.
Yeah, I’ll give you a second to ha-ha to yourself…
Anyway, I went home for the holidays obviously. Home being Upland, California- a suburb right outside the LA county line nestled in the foothills of Mount Baldy that people presume is a shitty dirt bike loving development like the rest of the Inland Empire but it’s really just a bedroom community of a bunch of upper middle classers smoking dope and shopping online.

My best friend called me and said in so many words that the first-boy-to-ever-fingerblast-me’s new band was playing in Downtown. Knowing for sure I would be getting acquainted with faces I hadn’t seen in the last three to seven years, I did what I always did when I get arrogant & anxious and drank a bottle of wine.

We get down there and she smuggled in some brews for us.
& thus this ever so classy picture ensued.

The rest of the night is a blur of barely recognizable year book faces and free whiskey. People who didn’t give a shit about me pretending to give a shit now. And there is a certain amount of alcohol, somewhere between the bottle of wine, two beers & sweet tea and then bottle of wine, two beers, sweet tea, three shots of whiskey & beyond where I am just as excited to see everyone as they seem to be to see me. It’s like HOLY SHIT YOU USED TO WRITE ME NOTES HOW THE HELL ARE YOU ZOMG?!?! but that only lasts about an hour before I get back to being relatively…

I don’t know the word for it.
You know,
the word for
“HA FUCKING HA BITCHES! LOOK AT ME NOWWW!”

[Sidenote: Check out this awesome footage of Real Estate's Green River > Suburban Beverage from Chocolate Bobka.]


Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags: ,
Categories : GPOYW, Tangents & The Times

Insert Some Lyrics From The Good Life’s “Empty Bed” & Call It A Livejournal.

29 12 2009

I feel like I’ve gotta come clean.
i hate being alone.
When I was single and used to listening to Wayne Dyer and meditating every night high before bed, yeah, sure, being alone was TONS of self-actualizing fun but now, after knowing how fabulous it is to cuddle whenever I feel like sleeping, it just sucks.
& I’ve been alone for like A WEEK !!!
No Dudefriend and NO ZISSOU !!!
So, I did what every logical girl that lives an hour from her mom’s,
and drove home for nine thousand days to the suburbs.
Dude, five days in your pajamz at home = nine thousand work days.
It’s like an eternity that still finds a way to pass so quickly and you wake up and say, “Oh, shit it’s already Sunday? Wasn’t it just Wednesday when I put these sweats on?”
Which is a lot better than waking up one day & saying,
“Shit, I’m still in this cubicle?”

But even at my mom’s I can’t sleep entirely alone.
Even when Zissou is there.
Even when I’ve got the Trundle bed out in my sister’s room!
I sleep
with

a headless bunny.

THERE I SAID IT! Now it’s out there! There’s no taking it back! There’s no making subtle suggestions it’s Zissou’s toy when I accidently leave it out! It’s there! It’s here! It’s in my lap! It’s BUN BUN!

But I think the time is coming to where Bun Bun needs to be laid to rest.
The thing has seriously been loved to death.
No really, I’ve slept with this bunny since my first Easter basically. My other dog ripped its ears off though and slowly, after nearly twenty four long years, its head has completely fallen apart. Its fluff has been worn so thin that it’s just threading. I can’t get it white no matter how many times I bleach it. It is seriously the saddest looking thing of all time, like, I can’t even look at it. If I look at it all I can think is how pathetic it is I sleep with this slab of appendages. At this point it could have been anything- a teddy bear, a Pokemon, a furry baby, who the fuck knows!
Except me.
I know it was a rabbit and I still love it.

I'LL BE ON YOUR SIDE of the bed FOR EVER MOORRREEE.

My dad
(wow what is up with him being like ‘the theme’ this week? Holidays… ugh)
used to make fun of me soooo bad…
“You’re going to be in high school with that damn thing
and every one is going to make fun of you.”
But no one did.
“You’re going to be in college with that damn thing
and every one is going to think you’re a dork.”
Well, no one told me that.

& it’s like shit, maybe someone should have made fun of me
since here I am, filling my empty bed at nearly twenty four years old
with my security bunny with the gaping head hole.

I just don’t know if I’m ready to give it up. I mean, I had to give up everything else from my childhood- my Cabbage Patch dolls, my Aladin sparkle t-shirt, my metabolism- it’s like CAN’T I KEEP THIS ONE THING?!

But I’m starting to think the answer is no. :(
I mean, there have been people with this issue on Dr. Phil.
You KNOW you’ve got issues if you can relate to an episode of Dr. Phil.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: ,
Categories : Tangents & The Times

This Whole ‘Disowned’ Thing Is So Hard On Me.

28 12 2009

I just want Dudefriend to come home & take care of me.
So we can LOL away the pain & shit.

The “shit” obviously being the Muppets & bone seshes.
Huuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhwhatttttt.
I bet my mom didn’t see that coming when she taped
eight hours of the Muppet Babies for me twenty years ago.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , , , ,
Categories : Tangents & The Times, Video

Soooo, My Dad May Or May Not Disown Me.

27 12 2009

It’s kinda up in the air.
I mean, it’s a little understandable.
Over the years, I have thrown nearly everyone I am related to under one blogging bus or another.
But it’s all been in the good name of comedy.
This is my creative outlet.
Sure, I could have taken up a nasty drug habit to deal with my issues
but instead I decided to publicly mock all of them.
I feel like my dad should be proud of that, ya know?
I’m bringing LOLz to the masses in the midst my personal pains!
And he should be thankful I have been as kind to everyone as I have.
I mean, I should have ruined him on the internet after he canceled
all my insurance without even telling me this past spring,
meaning I was driving around for a month drunk
waiting to kill someone without the good hands of Allstate to fall into.

But I didn’t !
I only made vague allusions to how pissed off I was !

Look, I love my family and friends, even when I make horrible jokes about them.
Although I refuse to apologize for the things I write, I am sorry if you don’t get my humor and you take this shit seriously.

But this is who I am
and unfortunately I might be related to you.
Unless you join my dad and disown me.
Which I mean, to each his own.
Just don’t try to reown me when I got the world swingin’ from my nuts,
damn it feels good to be a gangsta.


Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags:
Categories : Tangents & The Times

Helpful Gift Giving Ideas For My Dad’s GFs.

26 12 2009

PEOPLE KEEP BUYING ME BEATLES SHIT.
SERIOUSLY.
NO FAIL.
EVERY FUCKING BIRTHDAY AND CHRISTMAS:
BEATLES BEATLES BEATLES.

I mean, once upon a time it made sense because I used to be sickly obsessed,
like beyond the normal obsession one should have with the Beatles, from the age of nine to twenty when I finally took acid and John Lennon personally told me I was a dick.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love the Beatles
but it’s not an all consuming religion
as it once was when I obviously didn’t have anything better to do.
So, for the past thirteen years, I’ve gotten TONS of Beatles stuff.
And it’s never like their records or actual music.
Like, I don’t have any of the imports.
That’d be an awesome gift!
BUT I DO NOT NEED AN EIGHTH BEATLES COFFEE TABLE BOOK!
I DON’T EVEN HAVE A COFFEE TABLE TO PUT THESE SHITS ON!
I HAVE READ BOOKS ON THE BEATLES SINCE I WAS IN FOURTH GRADE!
THE LAST THING I NEED IS ANOTHER ROADIE’S RETELLING OF THEIR TOUR IN HAMBURG!
IT WAS AWESOME I GET IT!
AND MY WALLS…
I DON’T HAVE ANY MORE WALLS TO PUT ALL THE POSTERS I GET ON!

And it’s not really “people”.
It’s mostly my dad’s girlfriends.

It’s like, I get it, you’re dating my dad and you’re in line at Costco Christmas shopping and in the bargain bin you see this great big book full of pictures of the Beatles and you’re like “omg I remember Dave telling me Marissa liked the Beatles!” Apparently, that’s the only thing my father seems to tell anyone about me. So, you get it for me and everything is all nice and well but the truth is, his last girlfriend already got it for me and even if she hadn’t, I’ve seen every picture of the Beatles to be seen at this point. I still don’t like you. You talk about my father & the “last eleven years” like my parents weren’t married for nine of them. There isn’t a Beatles book big enough to wipe your slate clean of the herpes you’ve spread all over my family’s good name. The only thing that could ever even make me pretend to think more of you is maybe an original pressing of Revolver but considering your shopping is limited to Steinmart and you obviously can’t use the internet since you haven’t figured out I have this blog, you probably don’t have the intellectual resources to find anything I would find impressive.

Now, I’m not saying I won’t not hate you,
but here are some gift ideas for next time
(in case you suddenly get savvy to my career in the blogosphere)
that will make me less likely to publicly humiliate you:
- A new Macbook
- Twelve cases of Charles Shaw
- A year’s supply of illegal Adderall from the UK
- Or Viccodin, that’s cool too
- A boob job and bidding/winning a charity auction date with Glenn Howerton
- A friend for Zissou, Jeff
- Landscaping my hill
- A hammock

Alright, so if my dad hasn’t dumped you in three months when my birthday tends to roll around, you have eight bona-fide ideas for presents that would reeeeally inspire me to act like I’m actually having a good time with you guys at Benihana’s.
Just trying to help.


Comments : 3 Comments »
Tags: , , ,
Categories : Tangents & The Times

Merry Christmas!

25 12 2009


Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags:
Categories : Tangents & The Times

References (Part Six, The Final Installment of “The Resume”).

24 12 2009

[Editor's note: OH COME ON!!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THE LAST MONTH?! Sigh. Check out the beginning of this saga right hurrr.]

It was a cold winter’s night on Tuesday.
Really, I was freezing my ass off.
Wind blowing like crazy and shit.
I was in my room, trying to finish my resume through the tears,
chugging wine, anxiously watching the clock as December twenty second snuck away,
knowing good & well that if I didn’t see Dudefriend that night,
I wouldn’t see him again…

Until maybe the thirtieth when he gets back from the Midwest but uh, hello, that’s the night before New Year’s Eve and I needed to seal this deal before then. I haven’t kissed anyone for the New Year in like five years. That is a long freaking time and I’m starting to feel like a loser. Seriously. Last year, I was even kinda dating someone- still didn’t get a kiss. Year before that, I had a bitchin’ party & still, no kisses but then again I was kinda inbetween dudes then & like, it was all my guy pals over & it’s not like they were ever going to finally admit that this whole time during our friendship they’d wanted to bang me… if any of them had wanted to bang me which I mean, maybe they didn’t since I haven’t been banged by a guy pal yet and now the time has kinda passed so we can just file that away in history’s mysteries.

THE POINT IS I REALLY NEEDED TO GET THIS RESUME FINISHED
& WIN DUDEFRIEND BACK ASAP.

Which at that point was really seeming impossible.
First of all, who the fuck tries to win someone back on the whim of some off-hand ridiculous remark
& secondly, uh, do you know how hard it is to drum up respectable references?

Well, let’s see here, I’ve got a couple dozen hobo artisan derelicts that could probably say something relatively nice about me- you know, I can drink a lot and like good music, I respond well to being treated badly and am good at faking I’m enjoying mediocre sex. But then again they’d probably also add I talk too much and whatever other things they didn’t like about me- which I never knew nor can really see now. Like honestly, I’m looking back thinking about how stupid those guys were for not wanting me to be their GF. I’m cute, I’m funny… well, you guys know.
But they’re assholes so I didn’t even want Dudefriend knowing I’d be with fraternizing with a bunch of smelly hipster chumps in shitty bands with too short & tight of shirts (what is up with dudes in shitty bands shopping at Brass Plum for their “ironic” tees?) that do I don’t even know what for an actual living. It’s just embarrassing.

And then I couldn’t very well add the not smelly hipsters in good bands.
I don’t want to look like a groupie or something cause that’s just as bad as admitting you actually were kinda heart broken by the dude that performs weeknight acoustic sets at sushi joints.
Not that that ever happened…

I had one actual boyfriend but I’d never put him as a reference.
His whole crazy issue I think would nullify any arguments he had for or against me.

So that leaves basically one guy.
I have one dude that I “dated” for a couple months that was actually decent. He was pretty great actually- treated me great, had great taste, had a great job. But anyway, he had soooo many nice things to say about me when he dumped me so I don’t see why he wouldn’t relay all that to Dudefriend if need be.

And on Tuesday, I’m sitting there, with my ONE reference put down.
Cursing myself for starting this ridiculous crusade.
And then, there was a rapping at the door I mistook for the wind.
But then I realized it was a knock.
Frightened, seeing as I wasn’t expecting anyone and Zissou was at my mom’s house,
I timidly answered the door, throwing back the last of my glass in anticipation of a rapist
and
IT WAS DUDEFRIEND !!!!!!!!

He grabbed me and kissed me and said,
“Tiger, your resume has been great, I don’t need even need any references.”
AND THEN HE KISSED ME
AGAIN.
Then he swept me off my feet and I nabbed his presents and he took me to his house where we ate my favorite dinner, risotto he spent like two hours stirring because he loves me so much and he looked so handsome and then we opened presents under his glorious tree and he got me NOT ONLY THAT AMAZING SELECTRIC I’VE BEEN WANTING FOR LIKE EVER BUT COULD NEVER FIND A WORKING ONE (& IT WORKS OMG HE LOVESS MEEEE) BUT HE GOT ME A NEW RECORD PLAYER!!!

You guys, like, this is for real I think!
We’re never kinda breaking up again!
Especially because he about peed his pants because I got him the same Persols as Jay-Z.

Still need photoshop on the lap top but we'll worry about that later.

I’m not normally a mush pot but ugh, I mean, it was so special.
This is the first time I feel like IN LOVE.
Couldn’t keep my hands to myself for a minute!
I was like fingerblasting the shit outta that typewriter
ALL NIGHT LONG.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: ,
Categories : Dudefriend, Tangents & The Times, The Resume

OMG YOU GUYS!!!

23 12 2009

DKJHFKJSHDKJSHDFKJSFJSHKFJHSJK !!!

GUESSSSSSSS WHO GAVE ME THIS:

zomgzomgzomgzomg !!!

!!!!!!!!!!

That’s an IBM Selectric, straight from some dude’s basement in the Midwest.
I excitedly/drunkenly tweeted last night it was a series two
but it’s actually a series one,
most noted by the rounded corners but I mean,
the series two wasn’t even introduced until the early seventies
and this gem is from ’69.
It was totally a DUH moment but you know how it goes,
after a lot of BV Coastal reserve you don’t notice really any corners.


Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags: , , ,
Categories : Tangents & The Times

The Real Dialogue Behind “Baby It’s Cold Outside”.

22 12 2009

RE: this.

“I really can’t stay.”
“Baby it’s cold outside.”
“I’ve got to go away…”
“Baby it’s cold outside.”
“This evening has been…”
“Been hoping that you’d drop in…”
“But you just met me tonight?”
“I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice…”
“No, it’s cool, I’ve got mittens.”
“Listen to the fireplace roar…”
“Yeah, it sounds kind of dangerous…”
“Beautiful, please don’t hurry…”
“Well… maybe just a half a drink more (you do sing like Dean Martin)…”
“Put some music on while I pour…”
“Who the hell listens to Color Me Badd?”
“Baby, it’s bad out there…”
“Say, what’s in this drink…”
“No cabs to be had out there…”
“It tastes like NyQuil…”
“Your eyes are like starlight now…”
“Ahhh, they’re burning!”
“I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell…”
“No! I have hat head!”
“Mind if I move a little closer?”
“Yeah, I do, back the fuck off me!”
“What’s the sense in hurting my pride?”
“Are you jerking off through your pants pocket?”
“Baby don’t hold out…”
“Ahh, it IS cold out here! FUCK I NEED TO RUN AWAY!”
“C’mon baby!”
“No, let go of me! I’m not going back in there!”
“Baby, it’s cold outside.”
“The answer is no!!! I’M NOT GOING BACK INSIDE!!!”
“Ooh baby, it’s cold outside.”
“How are you so strong with only one accessible arm?!”
“I’m lucky that you dropped in…”
“I didn’t drop in! My stupid bitch friends left me here!”
“Look out the window at that storm…”
“DON’T TIE ME TO THIS CHAIR!!!”
“Man, your lips look so delicious.”
“HELLLLLLLPPPP!!!”
“Waves upon a tropical shore…”
“SOMEONE FUCKING HELP MEEEEEE!!!”
“Gosh your lips look delicious…”
“WHO ARE YOU?!?!”
“Never such a blizzard before…”
“I’ve got to go home [crying]…”
“Oh, baby, you’ll freeze out there.”
“No, I won’t I’ve got on a down coat!”
“It’s up to your knees out there.”
“& goulashes!”
“Your eyes are like starlight now…”
“I CAN’T SEE!”
“How can you do this thing to me…”
“There’s bound to be talk tomorrow!!!”
“Making my life long sorrow…”
“In prison you sonuvbitch…”
“If you caught pneumonia and died…”
“YOU HAVE ME TIED UP INSIDE WHO THE FUCK IS WORRIED ABOUT PNEUMONIA?!”


Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Tangents & The Times

Skills & Accomplishments (Part Two of Two of Part Er… Five? of “The Resume”).

19 12 2009

[Editor's Note: OMG really, if you need to know what's happening... just click that link. That's it.]

I finally got around to writing my actual piece for the resume.
I’ve been kind of busy the last couple days,
you know, with holiday parties and
trying to catch up on things
like my Netflix.

It’s pretty exhausting.
But this is really important to me !
So I set aside some time to work on it
after I smoked and took Zissou to the park.
Then the internet wasn’t working,
so I watched Kubrick’s Lolita and I’m not going to lie,
I was kind of bored and just couldn’t believe no one put him in a straight jacket WHEN THEY HAD THE CHANCE. I MEAN, HELLO THE DUDE IS OBVIOUSLY SICKLY OBSESSED WITH HIS STEP DAUGHTER AND YOU BUY HIS WHOLE “OH I’M DRUNK” BIT ?! GET REAL I’M DRUNK ALL THE TIME AND I NEVER GET CONSUMED BY HAVING ILLICIT RELATIONSHIPS WITH UH, CHILDREN.
Sheeesh.

Anyway, the internet is back up.

Yeah, bitches, you read that right.
The Great Wall of China.

Booyuh!
I’m going to have my Dudefriend back by Christmas with this shit!

Well, I better.
His presents just got delivered today & I really don’t think I’d ever be comfortable using the personalized cockrings I got him with anyone else.

I’m kidding!
I didn’t get him cockrings, Jesus.

I wasn’t using the Lord’s name in vain there I was really just letting the big guy know what’s up. I don’t need to get put on the naughty list this late in the game. Wait, Jesus knows Santa right ?


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , , , ,
Categories : Dudefriend, Tangents & The Times, The Resume, Video

There Ain’t No Future In Your Follow Friday Frontin’.

18 12 2009

Look, I’m not going to follow you so you’ll follow me back because you Follow Friday’d me when you don’t even fucking follow me so I can see your stupid ass “follow me & I’ll follow you back” bullshit tweets every god damn Friday. I’m really over it. It’s like yeah, thanks for getting my name out there…
You know how many people have followed me because of you?
Oh, right.
None.
And look, great, valiant efforts trying to get your name out there but in case you maybe didn’t ever actually look at my Twitter or my blog, but I am not your target audience. I don’t listen to shitty hip hop from the midwest and I don’t watch girls bang themselves on webcams so please go find some fifteen year olds that would appreciate your services.
Thanks.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Tangents & The Times

Skills & Accomplishments (Part One of Part Four of “The Resume).

16 12 2009

[Editor's Note: Yo, newcomers, if you need to get in the loop about The Resume, I've got you covered right here.]

I’m going to be real right now & just say that
this has been the EASIEST part of this little project.
But hellooooo.
I’m pretty skilled & accomplished.
Or at least everyone thinks I am
(not going to lie, it’s mostly an illusion).

So, let’s see here… what am I really good at ?

Well, for starters, I’m a pretty damn good writer. Yeah, I’m sure you’re like, “What the hell is this broad talking about? She writes about being a drunk and uses internet acronyms GROW UP” but the truth is, I can write pretty damn well when I’m not just laying it out on T&tT.

Secondly, I’m really pretty damn funny. I bring the LOLz. HARD. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little but honestly, once again just gonna be real: I make people laugh all day ever’day. It’s my favorite thing to do. I am quite the entertainer. Get me in front of anyone and my first instinct is to make it… well, the Marissa show I guess. But think of the Marissa show as a really great variety talk show with an outstanding MGWDI (similar to the “manic pixie dream girl”, the “manic girl with daddy issues” is just as quirky but she is also kind of a bitch and definitely doesn’t ‘change’ you for the better, she probably gets you addicted to substances) type with great stage presence. Don’t tell me you haven’t seen at least a commercial to know that shit tons of people watch Tyra meaning MY SHOW IS COMPLETELY POSSIBLE. And okay, no, I’m not Aziz whatever his last name is and I’m not married to Judd Apatow so I’m not really like, showcased in the real world for my hilarity but it’s there. You’re reading this aren’t you? POINT & CASE (jesus, I hope this gets funny).

Thirdly, I am an excellent noodle tester.
Which if you cook a lot (which, uh, if you date me and you expect to not eat out or eat veggie corn dogs every night, then you’re going to need to do), someone who can test noodles well can come in handy. I’m also good with artichokes.

THIS IS THE ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT!
I am a JEDI DRUNK.
That’s what Dudefriend called me. :*(
One night we were discussing the theory that you can really tell what a girl is like from what kind of drunk they are. I said I didn’t know what kind of drunk I was and he said a “Jedi Drunk” someone that “just gets more awesome the more they drink”.
That was seriously one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about me.
I could see how you might think that’s silly (pathetic) but I’m being completely honest right now and if you had all the fun we had together, it would make your heart explode with sunshine fireworks too.

And I am a great driver.
And I can crypt walk.
And I am professionally trained in the Meisner technique.
AND I CAN HULA HOOP WHILE DRINKING/TEXTING.
AND I AM THE BEST SCRATCHER.

So, yeah, totally skilled.

Accomplishments, well, I won best Documentary my senior year at our school’s film festival (which was absolutely hilarious because I lit it horribly and final footage turned out fuzzy with bad audio and I just told everyone it was supposed to be like that to represent that the girls I was interviewing about fashion “didn’t see themselves clearly”).

I was a frequent “Citizen of the Month” at Magnolia Elementary as well as the winner of not one but two awards in eighth grade- the costume contest (I went as a nerd, heh) and “Friendliest”- then to top it off I won “Most Likely To Win An Oscar” for our senior bests.

I got a lot of “6″s on my standardized writing tests and dropped out of college (which for some people, yes, is an accomplishment) and I have a blog and a relatively incredible/pitiful amount of followers.

Basically, what I’m telling you is
I AM A CATCH !

Sorry, this was absolutely terrible.
But all this bragging had to be done!

Even though it’s not done.
I mean, I wrote the blog and it’s been mad funz but I have to write out the actual fourth segment of this solo symposium.
But I’m really getting busy eating cornbread & drinking beer.
I don’t want to get my keyboard all greezy / am in no place to fight with Clippit.
So, I’ll get studious, um… while I’m working tomorrow?


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Dudefriend, Tangents & The Times, The Resume

Holiday Arts & Crafts For Delightful Dipsomaniacs With The Least Domestic Person Ya’allz Know.

14 12 2009

I looked at the calendar today and I was like, oh, shit, Christmas is in like a week and a half meaning I only have eleven days to show my readers that I am not only a wily wordsmith but also a cunning craftslady.

I am going to teach you how to put your alcoholism to good holiday decor !
Or if you don’t like recognizing you have a drinking problem with enough spare time on your hands to make an ornament out of your living room debris,
you can just pretend you’re “going green”.

So, first you go to your kitchen counter & pick up one of the beer cans your ex boyfriend’s friend- the one that is kind of a reformed bro that still hangs around cause he wants some of your ass but tries to pull the ole oh-we-just-got-to-be-such-good-friends card- didn’t smash on his head when everyone was hammered listening to Wavves last night.

You take that can and you bend it in half so it looks like this:

Figure One.

Figure Two.

Then you spray paint it.
Silver or Gold.
Those are the only two choices.
Look, I don’t make the rules.
This guy does:

Yeah, listen to that.
“It means so much more when I see
SILVER AND GOLD DECORATIONS
ON EVERY CHRISTMAS TREE.”
So, gold or silver dude.
Get it right or pay the price
OF EVERYONE’S JOY ON CHRISTMAS MORNING,
YOU ASSHOLE.

Then you add some googley eyes, some fake hair tendrils, a little fake music book, some ribbon for trim and a little bit of red Sharpie for the lips & voilá !!!

You’ve got yourself a fucking bad ass caroling ornament your mother would be so distracted by its cleverness that she would fail to realize you’re hung-over.

So crafty, so classy.

I made that in Girl Scouts when I was ten.
But you know, that’s the test of true art,
whether it is relevant in any time period.
And at twenty three years old, I’m like,
“Damn, those moms tooootttally knew how to hide their addictions.”


Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags: , , , , , ,
Categories : Tangents & The Times

I Feel A Lot Like This Today:

14 12 2009

However you take that,
you are right.

(Thanks Katie for epitomizing my office life in a single YouTube).


Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Tangents & The Times

Experience (Part Three of “The Resume”).

10 12 2009

[Editor's Note: If you don't know what "resume" I'm talking about, scroll your ass down & get knowledged, you lollygagger. You're probably the same dude abusing the right lane in rush hour. GET WITH IT BRO.]

Alright sooooo,
when I started this whole resume thing, I really didn’t think it through.
As with most things I was like,
“ZOMG great idea… ZOMG kittehz… ZOMG I gotta pee…”
But eventually on your resume,
you need to state your level of experience.
Or how many ‘jobs’ you’ve had.
What does that mean for me?
How many ‘jobs’ I’ve given?
Which, I’m going to level with you and just say straight up:
Handjobs are a waste of time.
So, I really don’t have any ‘jobs’ to list.

Unless we just move straight to ‘talents’…
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: ,
Categories : Dudefriend, Tangents & The Times, The Resume

« Previous Entries


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 92 other followers