Not that long ago, I was drunk somewhere when someone
told me about this “Roman period piece with a crazy orgy”.
To which I responded with “INTRIGUING!”
and went home and drunkenly put Caligula on my Netflix queue.
I don’t really care about Caesars and shit.
I just wanted to see a lot of people going at it in a movie.
There’s something about sex in movies that is different than sex in porn- it feels more mischievous, like OoOo! They played this in a MOVIE THEATRE! I feel so naughty without even being caught at Condom Revolution! Rawr!
Five months later, it’s yesterday.
And I get an email from Netflix saying,
“YO, YOU GOT CALIGULA ON THE WAY DAWG.”
I think to myself, “What is that? Why do I have it? Intriguing!”
I go home last night and decide to start watching it before Dudefriend and I went on our ritual nightly Trader Joe’s run. I snuggle up on my couch with a Stella and start thinking maybe I should just fast forward it and try to find the orgy.
But there was no fast forwarding necessary.
Like the boning, the horror came quick and hard.
Videogum has the best description of it:
Caligula is about Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, who ruled Rome for 37-41 C.E. Very little is known for sure about him, and what few historical accounts of him exist are often in conflict with each other. So what better way to teach people about this historical figure than with an INSANE PORNO? Perfect, now you don’t have to go to college*. Basically, his great uncle, Tiberius, was the tyrannical emperor of Rome who had syphilis and lived on the island of Capri. Then he died, maybe by murder, but in the movie definitely by murder, and Caligula (whose name means Little Boots! He’s like a one man Fleet Foxes cover band!) became emperor. For the next two and a half hours he proceeded to fuck and kill everything. Often he would kill people during or right after he was done fucking them. At one point he got sick. But then he got better. And if anything, he only fucked and killed everything more. He really loved fucking his sister, but then she died, so he focused a lot of his attention on killing again. But also fucking, it’s not like he ever stopped fucking. Eventually, after a ton of fucking and killing, he was assassinated. The end.
Wait, There Was This Much Clothing On The Cast At One Point ?
I lasted less than an hour, due to the perversion and boredom.
Anyway, I go about my night with Dudefriend.
We have a fabulous dinner he whipped up for us.
I’m doing the dishes, sooooo enveloped in massive luffz
when I hear the television is on in my room.
And it ain’t the eleven o’ clock news.
Yeah, it’s full coverage
and total poundage.
Before I even had a chance to explain he was half way out the door, yelling something about how he had dealt with me writing about Cake Farts but there was no way he was going to date some broad who got off on seeing dudes pissing on their sisters.
I tried to explain it was a drunk blind-rent
that I had to stop watching I was so disgusted
but he didn’t believe me.
“Right, just like how you ‘didn’t mean to rent’ the first season of Mad About You.”
Which was an honest mistake (I meant to get season two).
Lesson:
Be Careful What You Queue.
