Tangents & The Times

It’s absolutely adorable watching you squirm to secretly smush your sensation back into your Levi’s because we’re just hanging out at a bar and we’re probably just “really good” friends. Ah, yes, friend boners. These prove that no matter how often you claim we’re so bff’d out because I can chug whiskey and shoot the shit about Strawberry Alarm Clock, the truth is you’d still nail me. Ah, the validation. Yes, you may tell people I have a detachable penis, but I see what’s going on here. And I understand, you can’t let me know you’d actually nail me. I mean, I’m “lil bro” and “one of the dudes” and the thought of making out with me “is disgusting”. Well, you better start jerking off before getting hammered with me and get all hot and bothered again over my passionate tangents about the importance of getting the actual audio book You’re Fucking Out, I’m Fucking In. Because that’s what you like about me. You like that I own some Olivia Tremor Control and you like you can talk to me about girls and you like that I will get high and watch Skinamax movies with you. This is why we’re friends and this is why you’re resting your Negro Modelo on your crotch.

I don't think any of my friends wear sweatpants but you know who you are.

But for all you friend boners out there, don’t worry, I ain’t mad at ya. I know you won’t act on it- you have an ego and I have a dudefriend, so it’s cool. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone you secretly dream about the day we bone while Myth Busters is in the background.