So, over the past week I’ve been getting a lot of worried Facebook messages, AIMz, texts, tweets, emails, faxes and phone calls on whether or not Dudefriend and I broke up (via this previous post).
I just wanted to take this time to say, we worked things out.
It took a little bit of Risotto and some sunshine but we’re all better.
Basically, once he found out I was super peeved about the whoring, he came and whisked me away from work.
Yeah, he was debonaire but I was still PISSED.
He split the financial grandma gains with me, which was a nice gesture but definitely not enough to forgive him for the atrocious animalistic acts in bathrooms with senile broads.
Anyway, then he cooked me this absolutely lovely meal.
Look at him go! Such a professional.
Ugh, he is SUCH a great cook. I know, I know, he boned a near-future convalescent home customer but his Risotto is just so astounding that I have to get past that.
And then my dad was like, “RAWR RAWR RAWR YOU’RE POSTING ABOUT HOW YOUR BOYFRIEND WHATEVER FUCKS OLD PEOPLE AND YOU’RE STAYING WITH HIM ?!!”
So, we took this picture after dinner and I sent it to my dad.
TAKE THAT MISTER DOUBTING MUSTAFA!
My dad was like WHATEVER.
And I was like BOOYUH !
But I didn’t want to let him off the hook that easily. I wanted him to know that he could not be sleeping with ANYONE let alone geezers while he’s dating me. Yeah, I mean, he’s my Dudefriend but if you want to be even my Dudefriend, you can’t go around ruining my image like that. So, after telling him that, he decided to take me to a sports event with one of his high profile partners. We had a really nice time.
Larry is definitely my favorite of Dudefriend's friends. He's so cute.
Then Larry wanted to go home because he was tired.
Being that funny all the time is absolutely exhausting apparently.
But Dudefriend and I love raging.
We haven’t really ‘partied’ since the incident.
So, we met up in downtown with our dealer and some shady people who were having a loft party and we got crazy !!!
Ugh, I don't think I ever mentioned he ALSO PLAYS GUITAR. How am I supposed to NOT tap it ?!
Then the next day, we woke up in some gutter next to Gordon (that’s his car, gosh people from the mid-west are so weird, like who names their cars ? Eh, a tangent for another time…).
And I was like, DUDEFRIEND YOU LET ME SLEEP IN A GUTTER ?!?!
And he was like, I’M SORRY ! LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU !!!
And I was like, PSH HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE UP FOR THE FACT A FUCKING HOBO PEED ON MY NEW FOREVER 21 SLUB TUNIC ?!?!
So, being the best Dudefriend that he is that is constantly doing everything he can to make me happy, he took me to the beach !!!
GUSH. SWOON. GUSH !
Sigh.
We had such a nice day. We tossed a football around in the waves and then he tackled me and we rolled around in the sand until we had to rip each other’s clothes off then the lifeguard came and was totally wtf’d out by our epic display of unbridled passion and then I decided we officially made up when we were getting booked for indecent exposure.
But now it’s like kinda f’ed up again because I had to blow this superdouche sheriff so he’d drop the charges.
SUCH A PERVERT I H8 HIM.
And now, Dudefriend is like YOU STILL HAVE FUR IN YOUR TEETH !
And I’m like, YOU COULD STILL BE IN JAIL !
And he agreed.
But won’t kiss me until I go with Zissou to the vet and get checked out, as well as sedated for a serious teeth cleaning.
Which I can’t afford right now (do you know how much vets are ?!?!!) so Dudefriend and I are kind of just being celibate and hanging out, trying to clarify that he is not a Gerontophile and I am not a Zoophile and that we both whored ourselves out for the good of our relationship.
I’m really happy to finally be in a healthy relationship where we can talk about things like this and work through them like mature adults. <3
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