It’s always kind of stressful the first time a guy sleeps over for me. Mostly because getting through the evening takes some brainpower during my Z’s. This may seem a little crazy, yeah, it probably is but do you want me to wake up with my bangs sticking out all over the place like a seventh grade boy with too much gel in his hands circa 1999?
Because I would rather
you not see me like that.
Granted, I would be sans frosted tips but reminiscent of Lady Liberty all the same. Also, I’d prefer to be pillow mark free without the random deep-sleep, solitary snort that my brain immediately registers as “Holy shit you just let out a fucking snort” and I wake up out of self-inflicted terror. I would also like to not drool all over you. I’m not necessarily a drooler per se, but there is always the off chance it could happen. I mean, just fall asleep in the wrong position and you could wake up in a slough of slobber.
Seriously.
That happened to me.
That’s what started all this !!!
It was probably the single-handedly
most embarrassing moment of my “dating” life…
Somehow fell asleep kind of in between my pillow and this particular dude’s shoulder or something of the sort. I sleep on my stomach so my face got kind of wedged in there face down and subsequently, the next morning, there was an entire spill of spit allllll over the fitted sheet. Not the pillow, the freaking fitted sheet. Can’t just turn that shit over. It’s there, right between dude and me. Keep in mind the dude is against the wall so the only way out, is through the flood damage. So, I did the only logical thing, which was to ball up my pillow under my arms and prop my chin on it, using it to cover my less than sexy seepage soak.
He didn’t say anything and I thought I got away with it.
I was stoked!!!
Until less than a week later he dumped me,
even though I wasn’t his girlfriend
(no matter what he says now).
He told me he was going back to Jesus and couldn’t keep seeing me (sleeping with me) and then like a real asshole put on the Strokes’ “Under Control”
(I mean, really?! That’s just unnecessary and cruel)
and my eyes welled up with tears
as we walked out of my room and then he said,
“Oh, yeah, and I know you drooled everywhere
and tried to cover it up the other morning.”
If I had had balls,
this would have been
a fucking ninja flying sugar glider kick to them.
Do you know how humiliating that was ?!
To be called out on that shit like five days
after I thought I was home free
AFTER being pseudo-dumped ?!
Ugh and being pseudo dumped is an entire travesty on it’s own.
It’s like alright,
you couldn’t treat me like a girlfriend
yet you’re going to dump me like one.
Cool. That makes a whole lot of fucking sense.
Give me half this whole time
& then a full blow right here at the end.
What, you got a conscience all of a sudden?
Feel I “deserve” this moment?
You couldn’t just keep being an asshole
and stop returning my calls could you?
You had to unexpectedly “respect me”, didn’t you ?!
Well, you know what?
Thank you.
You’re so kind.
Your incredible virtue is exactly what is going to make me ignore your texts next week when you realize that Jesus isn’t going to be there to shack up with you after a long night at the Short Stop.
I’m not sure if the two are directly correlated but just in case,
I’m definitely implementing preemptive nasal sprays.
Can’t take any chances.
dang. dude threw in the spit thing, too. that’s almost as bad as breaking up through a post-it.
my psuedo dumping story is pretty bad too… how do you get dumped when you are the one who called the meeting!!
i was pseudo-dumped a few months ago and that shit hurts, i still have random wtf moments about it too…and i drool…::coughs:: alot
wow. its like you live my life and write about it in your own words.
wow, my whole name. awesome. and this is why things happen to me.
i cant do this right