Tangents & The Times

Today I would like to address a little topic that I refer to as
“Porn Etiquette” and how it can help you.
Are you unfamiliar with the term ?
That’s fine, I was unaccustomed to the locution myself for quite sometime but as I have mentioned before,
I am the Dian Fossey of Dudes [wink].
So,
Porn Etiquette is something you acquire through observing pornographic films and using the techniques and tactics in relevant situations.

Now that I’ve piqued your interest and before I continue henceforth, there are a couple issues I’d like to address.

First of all, this post’s information does not apply to dudes.
Sorry but it just doesn’t because I’ve seen the way dudes are in porn and they’re retarded. They are totally perpetuating this plague of Moose Lickers and Jack-Rabbit Fuckers that in attempt to perform the Kama Sutra from The Pirate Babe end up sending me running back to my daydreams of Robert Downey Jr. railing me in the Whole Foods bathroom with the back massager I’ve been using since Junior High to get the job done.

Although, dudes !!!
You could totally use these arguments as means to get better blows.
Ain’t no shame in trying to get yo’ business handled in an efficient manner.

Secondly, please take into account the key word which is RELEVANT.
Yes, your dude may have playfully mentioned wanting to test out some electro bondage but I doubt he really wanted you to pull that out while having a quickie in the backseat outside his parents house before his little sister’s birthday party. Be situationally appropriate.

Alright, sooooooo Ladies, I’m not saying go grab yourself a subscription from Kink.com to The Training of O or that you need to watch a lot of porn. You don’t. I know there are a good many of you that abhor the idea of flooding your brain in filthy hogwash like that but I also know a good many of you that probably hate giving head more.
But if you can pick up a good blow job,
you are GOLDEN.
GOLDEN I TELL YOU !!!!!!!

Just skim over some sort of softcore shit on PornTube or whatever it’s called. Notice the way the ladies use their hands. Behold their graceful strokes, the utilization of their tongue, the way they employ their tits… or er… you know, see how they can appropriately apply pressure with their pearly whites… ahem.
Try not to mimic their facial expressions though because that can really, really backfire.
Seriously.

So,
First of all, if you can champion the cock,
the duration of the blow job is decreased.
The less time you have to spend down there,
the better because seriously, after a while that shit gets OLD.
You know what I’m talking about; those thirty minute sessions of lock-jawed hell as you try to breath life into a banana that’s been out on a Tarzana porch in July all day, soaking in whiskey probably (if you get involved with guys anything like the ones I do). It’s just fucking vexing. I know, man, I’ve TOTALLY BEEN THERE. And then it becomes such a hassle. You avoid it, your dude wants it, tension grows, then there’s some like “RAWR RAWR WHY DON’T YOU BLOW ME?!” nonsense met with your “RAWR RAWR BECAUSE I HATE IT… RAWR !” and then you guys will end up breaking up over it (or the bigger issue that you’re using this as an excuse to avoid).
So, just master some maneuvers of the adult industry’s finest and beat the boundless boner.
The quicker you get ‘er done, the more time there is for important things like making sandwiches, watching Seinfeld or sleeping.

Secondly, brilliant blowing
will increase the duration of your relationship.
Do you know how many girls give good head ?
From my sources, VERY FEW.
Do you know what happens when you can perform at a proficient level ?
DUDES ARE SO STOKED !!!
They are soooo going to want to keep you around !!!
And they will recognize that you’ve put some effort into gaining these skills. It may go unsaid but Porn Etiquette does not go unnoticed. Unlike us ladies, men really enjoy porn. And they really enjoy having porn on their penises.
Promise.

So, what I’m saying is by you studying some simple tricks of the trade,
you can have a longer relationship and shorter stints sucking under the sheets.
For all you visual learners, I’ve drawn this nifty illustration for you.
You can visualize it while you’re pumping that shaft and tickling balls.
I’m all about encouragement, people.

DUDE,
IT’S A WIN-WIN SITUATION !!!

Please note the asterisk though.
An amazing blow job will increase the duration of any relationship, whether it be with Prince Phillip (Sleeping Beauty, people, C’MON) or that douchebag from that shitty local band that only rings you up after midnight (texts after two).
Think of it like a drug.
It’s simply going to intensify whatever path you’re already on.

So, if you’re already getting treated like an on call indentured servant of sexual endeavors, you need to check your self-esteem and go hang with your gal-pals and talk it out over a couple bottles of wine until you figure out you’re sleeping with an asshole and maybe cry into some cake batter about the last three months you’ve wasted sitting around waiting to jump into his bed after his jam seshs every night (he’s not even in a band, dude, GET OUT OF THERE NOWWW).

BUT !
If you’re with an exceptional man who appreciates your sparkling personality and even enjoys when you get drunk and act like Kenny Powers, he’s going to appreciate you even more.
And be even more willing to put up with you saying things like,
“DRUNK MARISSA DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK”
while devouring seven layer bean dips at BBQs.

Not that I would ever say that…