Tangents & The Times

Once upon a time in eighth grade, when everyone knew everyone, it was okay to randomly send an instant message to someone saying, “Who is this?” knowing damn well you stole this person’s screen name from your best friend who had science with them so you could chat them up without the voice cracks and maybe even see some titties without showcasing your awkward boner.

But now that we’re in our mid-twenties and we all have new media jobs and are online all day pretending to be busy, when you instant message me, Dude-I-Met-Two-Weeks-Ago-That-Strategically-Commented-On-My-Kind-Of-Sexy-Default, I know my screen name wasn’t just magically on your buddy list, alright? There is no way. There is no way besides my Facebook that you could have obtained this information so you starting with, “Hey, who is this?” is like saying… well, it’s like saying a lot of things.

You could be a pussy. Yeah, a huge pussy. I don’t throw that word around lightly but when you’re sending me smegma like “Who is this?” I don’t know what else you expect me to think of you. You didn’t get my number, you opted for the safe boner-concealing route so obviously you either have a small penis or no balls, both of which leave me with little incentive to continue with the progression of exchanges that will undoubtedly be pursued (words, numbers, fluids).

Or you could have the mentality of a high schooler. Yes, I get it, you’ve been successfully smashing eighteen year old girls via Myspace for the past five years but I am a woman, not an anorexic aspiring actress with low self esteem that’s going to hop your bone because you sent me some kissy-faced emoticons after toying with me for fifteen minutes (“Noooo, who are yoooou?!!! Teehehe”).

Or you’re as socially skilled as a Michael Cera character with an insatiable appetite for World Of Warcraft in which case, I feel sorry for you and at the same time can tell you it wouldn’t work out between us anyway. I blog about porn and indie music, you talk shit on huntards while you’re PvPing after six Dr. Peppers and some PCP to make sure you really disenchant the fuck out of those weapons you’ve been acquiring all over the shire.
Are there shires in WoW?
Point & case, we really just aren’t on the same level.
You’re all about W2S and I’m W4M and yeah, it’s just not going to happen.
Good luck, I hope you meet a sweet Squishy babe that one-shots your heart. <3

Annnyway, the main point of this is I know I put my screen name on my Facebook. I did it so I could talk to people while I am at work. I am not dumb, this was a deliberate informational maneuver on my part so when you decide to use such provided information, be smart about it and just say, “Hey, this is So&So. Check this out:” and send me a funny YouTube.

And it better be funny.

Like really.

Because if it’s not funny, in three days when you IM me again,
I’m going to say,
“Who is this ?”