Tangents & The Times

I realize that most people do not spend the hours of eleven to six, Monday through Friday on the internets. But due to my incredibly demanding day job as an executive assistant to a fashion designer, I do. Before the extensive time I have spent on the internets, I too would have been confounded by the same things my RL friends are confounded by when I talk about my life via the webz. And trying to explain any of these things to anyone who is moderately unfamiliar with the internets is exhausting.

“So, I was video chatting with so&so and…
you know, so&so who i met through such&such…
well, I don’t really know such&such I just started following him on Twitter and…
Twitter…
yeah, you can follow people and they can follow you…
No, they have to choose to follow you…
well, I got followed by whatshisname and through his followers…
yeah, you can see who other people follow…
anyway, so I found such&such who wrote this really funny blog about Twitter..
yeah, Twitter, that’s what we’ve been talking about…
ANYWAY, so I’m chatting with so&so…
yeah, such&such’s friend who he wanted to set up on a friend date…
well, yeah, now we video chat…
no, we don’t know each other in real life…
I know, you don’t get it, it’s fine, it’s not relevant to the story…
So, I’m chatting with so&so and he sends me this website he’s StumbledUpon…
StumbleUpon? Okay, StumbleUpon is this toolbar that takes you to random websites that match preferences…
no, you set the preferences…
yeah, you sign up and then you download the toolbar…
THE TOOLBAR FOR YOUR BROWSER! You know, Firefox? Safari? The thing you use to get to Myspace…
okay, yeah, ANYWAY, so he sent me the most hilarious LOLcat…
LOLcat…
it’s a website…
yeah, they take pictures of cats and put funny captions like ‘halp’…
yeah, with an ‘A’…
it’s funny!…
it just is!…
Here look, look at all these cats…
I know I don’t own a cat…
it doesn’t mean cats aren’t hilarious…
here look at this Youtube…
you’ve seen this right?…
OMG you haven’t?! It went viral like two weeks ago, dude…
Viral…
Nevermind…
Look, just watch the video…
yeah, so we all laughed and then we invited such&such to video chat with us because we were all sending each other the same links and…
yeah, you can video chat with three people dude…
YES YOU CAN…
so, we had this awesome cooking show and we took funny pictures and then…
correct, I do not really know these people…
Whatever. You’re an internets fail…
A fail…
Yes, internets with an ‘s’…
Okay, just forget it…
(immediately gets on Twitterberry).”

And the entire time they are staring at me, as if I have suddenly changed into some mutant.
They have no idea what I’m talking about nor can they relate to it because while my day consisted at laughing at kids that are scared to death at puppet shows and talking on camera wishing Rosanne Barr happy birthday and having limitless inside jokes to tweet about kittens and Eddie Murphy, they were doing RL things. You know like dealing with broken copy machines, fighting over whose customer was whose or talking shit on that bitch who took TWO tables in their section. They don’t have time to read PassiveAgressiveNotes.com or watch Bollywood videos or read Shaq’s tweets. They don’t get sent adorable/LOLable pics all day of kittahs in showers.

sent via aim via macintoshz via the emoticonquistador.

And I kind of feel sorry for them.
Yes, I am jealous that they can probably see natural sunlight throughout the day and yes, they probably have actual human contact at some point during their work shift, they also do not get to be exposed to the amazingness of the interwebz as I do. I get to be constantly entertained on a level that is so high octane, coming at me so quick with the click of a button I am like bam bam tweet this bam bam flickr that shit bam bam FACEBOOK FRIENDS! wam sham… WHAT THE SHAMWOW DUDE IS IN JAIL ?! zoom bebop OMG THERE IS A PANDA! poof pop wham bam THANK YOU INTERNETS.

For the record, RL friends, RL means ‘real life’.
That’s you.
The one who was like “WTF is that title…” and has been so confused this entire post (thanks for reading, BTW).
I love you, don’t get me wrong, but… you kinda don’t get some important stuff.
And don’t get all bitter and say, “Sorry I don’t have a blog” like a lot of you do.
I’m happy to help you.
And I will enjoy it just as much as you because everyone I talk to all day on the internetz has already seen “I’m On A Boat” or “David After The Dentist” so now I can show off because you have no idea about WhyTheFuckDoYouHaveAKid.com and you will think it’s hilarious and subsequently think I am hilarious because I have anywhere between five and eight hours of nothing but Stumbling and blogging to do.

And to all my EBuds… HOLLLLAAAA <3