Tangents & The Times

So, I went to dinner with my pops the other night and he requested a Xmas list. I’m not sure when I will be too old for Xmas lists but I will take it while I have the chance. If this was two thousand and five, I probably would have asked for a number of frivolous items and gotten them. But this is two thousand and eight, so I will be asking for things that are practical, such as socks, flea medicine, toothpaste- items that I can’t afford because of necessities (avocados, Cabernet, internet for my blackberry, pharmaceutical grade marijuana, purchasing some music legally).

Anyway, I do have a wish list though which is entirely different than my actual list. This is the list I am sending to Santa with homemade oatmeal raisin cookies* & a handle of JD.

*I don’t bake but my roommate does. And since she spreads vicious rumors around the neighborhood about how I consume an astronomical amount of cookies she bakes I will not feel sorry at all. I understand such behavior may not constitute as “nice” but I have a very strong argument behind my actions which I think will win Santa over. I hear he likes when people get their comeuppance (like coal).

Okay, so here is my list, in no particular order.

A New Broken Social Scene Album.
No, not their self titled or You Forgot It In People or even Bee Hives. I want those Canadians to get their asses back in the studio and make some music. Not one of these half-assed side projects. I have been waiting, patiently even. And you know, the “half-assed” comment was rude- the Kevin Drew album is great. I totally wanted to be referred to as ‘TBTF’ for months after. But what I really want is a ocean of musical amazingness to crash down upon my eardrums… by 12:01 am, Xmas morning.

A New Spine.
Last night I was treated to a fabulous evening at the Improv (see, blogging ISN’T always a waste of time) which made me want a new spine so I can try to tackle stand up comedy again. This may come as a surprise to you. Key word: AGAIN. I’ve already done it once. And I was pretty good. I have witnesses to prove it. I had a great strategy which was to just never stop talking so then I would never technically bomb. I constantly talk anyway so it worked out. The point is, that was the scariest thing in my entire life and I walked off stage and cried and then the dude that was up after me (an established comedian) completely ripped on me and the fact I don’t have boobs. So, when I get my new spine I’m going to go do comedy and womp on assholes who have small penises and have to take it out on innocent cleavage deficient girls… NO I’M NOT BITTER. jesus…

A Make-Out Sesh with Barack.
If you need an explanation, you obviously did not watch TV the past year or know that he and I have totally similar interests such as:
The Godfather parts 1&2 (we both are “ehhhh” about the third).
Bob Dylan.
Blackberry Smartphones.
Macbooks.
Pizza.
That’s a date in itself ! Actually, I don’t even need to make-out with him. If he could just read a script I give him that details his eternal love for the next great American writer Marissa A. Ross, that would be amazing.

BV Cabernet on Tap
I don’t know anything about wine and I am sure there are a lot of technical impossibilities that go along with this wish but Santa also makes mammals fly soooo I think he could figure it out. And when I say tap, I mean it. I want it in my sink. I want people to come over and attempt to wash their hands and instead get drenched with the sweet nectar of life. They’d say, “WTF?!” and I’d say, “I don’t know, man. It happened on Xmas. Must be Jesus.” and they’d say, “Marissa, you’re practically an atheist.” and I would retort, “Yeah, so Jesus has a lot to prove.”

A. Ross x American Apparel Lame Terry Cloth Socks.
Alright, so I worked at AA for a minute. While I was there, I was constantly pushing Lame Terry Cloth Socks. They do not exist. But I think they should. I would like this collab’ to be highly blogged about and want Jay-Z to formally announce he will be the face for the S/S ’09 collection.

Alright. That is my list… so far.
What are you asking for this season?
If you get any of the previously stated wishes instead of me,
I will probably mace you in the face.

Shit, Santa doesn’t regulate on the blogosphere does he ?